Friendzoned
by MrzEdCullen
Summary: Bella & Edward have been best friends for years. They are themselves when they are together, but in school they act differently to fit in with the popular kids. Bella is in love with Edward and gets sick of pretending, what happens next?
1. Chapter 1

**SM owns everything twilight related.**

**Mari, thank you! **

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><p><strong>A Different Kind of Start.<strong>

"_Between men and women there is no friendship possible. _

_There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."_

_Oscar Wilde_

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><p>"Did you fall asleep on me, Bella?"<p>

He murmurs from his place on the blanket. I smile at his nickname, it always makes me feel warm inside. Here, resting on a black and white blanket on his backyard, looking at the stars, while sharing headphones, I'm not _"B" _or _"Swan" _or _"Izzy" _nor either of those annoying names people call me at school. To him, to _us _I'm just _Bella; _The girl who gave him his first pop tart when we were 6 years old, and the only girl who saw him cry when his dog died, when we were eleven

I'm the same girl who knows he'd rather eat pie over ice cream, and his hate for all things chocolate. I'm the one who shares his same taste in music and books. The one who knows his obsession over Beethoven, and that he is a little OCD with his things.

He lifts himself to a sitting position; I only know this by the sound of his movement and the loss of the headphone we were sharing. My eyes are still closed but I can feel the heat that radiates from him. The heat gets closer and closer and my heart starts beating faster.

"_Bella?" _I feel him whisper in my ear. His hot breath dances over my skin. His hand removes some hair from my forehead and leaves a trail of electric current on his wake. My whole body feels on fire from that touch alone. I know there are goose bumps on my arms and I silently thank God I wore a long sleeved sweater.

I hear him sigh and his breath once again caresses my skin. I decide it's been enough indulging for one night, so I open my eyes. He smiles down at me, _my_ smile, the real, sweet one. Not the one he uses to get away with something, or the panty dropping, crooked one he gives to the girls in school. Although this smile is pretty panty dropping itself, at least that's what the flutter in my belly thinks so.

"So, you're alive then. Good. Get up, it's getting late." He tells me at the same time he starts to stand up. I sigh, and get on my feet.

"Did you like the song?" He asks me after a moment of silence. We are picking the blanket from the grass and collecting our garbage in a black bag.

This has been a tradition of some sort between us. Each time one of us discovers a new song or artist, we meet here and listen to it together. We've done it since 8th grade. Nobody knows we do this, not his family, definitely not mine and least of all, our friends.

"Yeah, it was really nice. I mean, it's so powerful in its calm."

"Yeah, right?" He nods, like a little boy who's proud of his new discovery, encouraging me to go on.

"I felt like something great was going to happen at the end. It was like it was building something more…

…passionate." We finish at the same time. I grin and nod at him, feeling smug that we get each other so well.

Suddenly, he drops the now folded blanket and grabs my shoulders to pull me in for a hug. At first, I don't react, standing limp between his strong arms, but then my moronic teenaged brain catches up and I wrap my arm around his waist. I smell his unique, intoxicating scent, prominent on his well worn favorite hoodie.

"Thank you for understanding. Always. I'd go crazy if you didn't." He whispers in my hair and I know exactly what he means.

"You too, Edward." I croak with a lump in my throat. He lets go of me, picks up the blanket and holds his hand out to me.

"Come on, I'll walk you home." He says with authority, as if I'll ever find the strength to fight him.

While we walk holding hands, the well known path to my house, I marvel at how normal all of this is to us. We walking hand in hand, spending an incredibly long amount of hours together. It's natural, easy. It's what we've always done.

"So, you ready for tomorrow?" He asks when my house comes into view. Tomorrow it's the first day of school.

"You mean for the constant talk about shopping and summer vacations, and gushing about how unruly your hair is?" I mutter. He chuckles before nodding and responding.

"Yeah, that."

"Oh, of course, I can't wait." I murmur sarcastically.

He bumps my shoulder in a playful manner, and I almost lose my balance. He catches me and laughs.

"Don't be like that. It's going to be a good year. I can feel it." He says always more positive than me, so confident.

I shrug, not really looking forward to it, no matter what. We reach the back door of my house. All the lights are out. My dad must be dead in his sleep.

I let go of Edward's hand and open the door cautiously. I turn on the kitchen light and turn around to face him.

"If you say so, champ." I answer his last statement. He grins at me and steps forward, closer to me. I look up at him, momentarily surprised by his proximity. He grabs my arm, pulls me to him, and kisses my forehead.

I feel his lips on my skin, in such an innocent gesture. It's like I'm his little sister, or a cousin. He's done it before, and it always leaves me feeling so special and so insignificant at the same time. Before I can really appreciate it, he lets go of me.

He starts walking, facing me, before talking.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow, Swan." He half yells, winking at me. He's back to his fake self, preparing himself for the day ahead of us.

I just smile and wave at him, before closing the door.

I go to my room, put on my sleeping clothes, and settle in my bed. The feeling of dread for the beginning of the new school year is not stronger than the butterflies in my stomach after being with Edward, my Edward, for the past few hours.

That night, I sleep with the sweater I wore tonight as a pillow, because it smells like him.

It is then, that I realize that this year is going to be harder than the other ones.


	2. Out With the Old

** Stephenie Meyer owns these characters. I have fun playing with them.**

**Thank you to my lovely friend Mari. You Rock, big time.**

**Please read A/N at the end.**

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><p><strong>Out With the Old, In With the Not So New.<strong>

"_The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere."_

_Anne Morrow Lindbergh_

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><p>I wake up at 6:00 am and start getting ready with heavy limbs. I am never in the mood for school, but today I am dreading it like never before. Not being myself is hard enough, but not being able to be myself next to a person that knows the real me is even harder. Never mind the fact that said person has managed to get a hold on my heart with both hands.<p>

I shower and get dressed in fitted jeans, ballerinas and some cute, new blouse I bought last weekend. I start doing my make up at 6:30 and by the time I'm done I hear the sound of Edward's car coming down the street. It's still early so I know he will park the car on my entryway. I start making my way down the stairs and when I get to the kitchen Edward is already sitting on the counter eating a pop tart. He must've used the key I keep hidden in a flower pot outside. He's been using it since I showed it to him a few years ago.

When he sees me his eyes sparkle with a bright glow that could blind me. He whistles and smirks at me.

"Looking hot Swan." He says with his mouth full. He's already on character, treating me with a fake affection that I've started to notice just how much annoys me. I see his long legs swinging; he touches the chair in front of him with his Nike sneakers each time. He's wearing normal jeans, not too loose, not too tight, and a dark blue t-shirt that is a perfect contrast to his white skin. _Dear God, I am such a girl._

I don't exactly remember when I started to feel like this about him. Maybe it was when I realized just how green his eyes are, or how captivating his stare is. Or maybe it was when his arms grew stronger, or when I noticed his broad back.

Perhaps it was when his hair grew long and its' soft texture became an intriguing thing to me. It might have been when his innocent touch started to send little waves of shock straight to my heart. _And other parts of my body._

Growing up with someone like him should've made me immune to his charms. I thought I was, but then I started paying attention to how handsome he truly is. Foolish of me. His sharp jaw, his piercing eyes, his straight nose; his hair, his height, his long eyelashes; his cheekbones, his arms, his fingers; his crooked smile, his timid smile, his _real _smile…

All of a sudden he's not "Cullen" or "Champ", or "E", he's Edward; the hottest guy, the smartest person I know, the most interesting human being on the planet…my stupid _best friend._

Since when being friends with someone became such a curse? _ Since you fall in love with them. _ The little irritating voice inside my head reminds me. It's like you're on the verge of being something, but nothing pushes you to the side you want to be. So you just stand there, on the very edge, having someone without really having them.

I know girls envy me. They want to be in my shoes. They want to be the person I am to him. If only they knew…

If only they knew I sometimes wish I was one of them. The girls he sees, the girls he flirts with, the girls who end up on his bed, or his couch, or his backseat, or under the bleachers; the girls who turn him on. Not me, plain old me; his best friend.

I ignore his compliment because I know he doesn't really mean it. I open the fridge and pull out a milk carton. I need a glass, so I go to open the cabinets that are behind Edward's head. He moves to the side, knowing what I am going to do, without me having to say anything. After I find the glass and pour my milk, I take the pop tarts box out of his hands, only to find it empty.

"Jeez, make yourself at home, why don't you?" I tell him, giving him a glare and throwing the empty box back at him. He catches it and shrugs with an apologetic look on his face.

"Don't be mad. I was hungry." He says while I gulp down my milk, just to have something to do.

"Don't they feed you in the Cullen residence?" I ask him with the residual annoyance from him eating my breakfast.

"Ah, you know Mom is always making that healthy crap. That is no real food for a real man." He says in a whining voice. I do know this. I've eaten so many meals in the Cullen house along the years, that I've lost count. I don't particularly enjoy all the healthy eating either, but I pretend out of politeness. However, Edward and his brother Emmett are always complaining, which always lead to the healthy food crap speech from their father, Doctor Carlisle Almighty Cullen. I don't blame Edward's mom from trying to please her husband with her cooking. I mean, if I had to listen to all that constant babble about how a serving from a certain food can lead you to your grave, I would have gone mad by now. So, anything to shut him up is good, even if that means cooking non appealing food.

I gasp in mock surprise, returning my thoughts to my conversation with Edward. "What would Esme say if she found out about this? I'm sure she'll have your head." He just smiles at me.

"Are you quite done with that milk? We need to get going." He says jumping from the counter, landing right in front of me where I can smell his cologne. I turn around and put some space between us before my stupid brain sends any stupid ideas to my stupid body and I end up licking his stupid perfect face.

"I just need to grab my bag." I say walking away from him, towards my room.

"Hurry up! I'll wait in the car!" He yells at me in a chirp voice. _So exasperating. _Why does he have to be so happy all the time? _You're just bitter. _My inner voice says. I mean, I know I would be happy all the time if I looked like him, if I had his life. _Shut up, bitch, you know better than that. _My brain argues with me. It's true, I do know better. I know to everyone looking from the outside, his life seems perfect. He's the living example of someone who has it all. Except he really doesn't. It's all a make believe.

I drag my feet, not wanting to ever reach that car and the destination it'll take us. I lock the door behind me and make my way to the car. I get in and fiddle with my seat belt.

"Do we really have to go?" I ask like a petulant child once we start moving. He chuckles and shakes his head before answering me.

"Yes, Bella, we have to go." He says slowly, using my favorite nickname.

I huff loudly and cross my arms in front of me. _No wonder he treats you like his sister. You're acting as a five year old. _I roll my eyes at myself. Stupid inner voice, always scolding me.

"You know, you might want to start pulling yourself together. You've been out of practice. You might slip." He tells me after my small tantrum.

"Oh, you are _so _right E! I am _so _sorry. Let's get this started. It's going to be _so _awesome!" I say in my high pitch voice clapping my hands at the end, like a cheerleader. I wish I was really being sarcastic, but this is who I'll have to be for the next months. He smiles and pushes my shoulder.

"That's more like it, Swan."

The rest of the drive is filled with talk about music and gossip about our friends. We need to be in constant reminder of what we can really talk about once we get to school.

He moves into one of the far spots. Once parked, we stay on the car for a little while finishing our conversation.

"Okay, so Irina and Kate spent their summer in LA, where they did a photo shoot for an upcoming magazine. Tyler had a thing with one of the cheerleaders named Jessica, but Kate doesn't know about it. Peter and Ben met an important agent from a football team who is supposed to come watch us play this year." He recalls the news we need to know, to have something to talk about with our friends.

Irina and Kate Denali are sisters. They are beautiful girls with a killing sense of style and a nonexistent sense of morality. They've been whoring themselves around since I met them in freshman year. And I am pretty sure they also have been consuming some illegal stuff since then. It's a pity really. If they continue on this rode, I don't know how they'll end up.

Tyler Crowley is Kate's boyfriend, for all intents and purposes, but everyone knows they spend more time with someone else's partner than together. He is the ultimate cars fan. He knows everything about expensive automobiles and he plans to be a car dealer like his father. Peter Withlock and Ben Cheney are in the football team like all the guys on the popular group. Peter is kind of layback and has hooked up with Kate on occasions, but nothing serious. He doesn't really talk much, he's kind of mysterious and very cryptic, but I guess that makes him cool or whatever.

Ben is the geek out of the bunch. If he wasn't in our group, he'd be with the nerds. I swear he is too damn smart. He can jack computers and stuff and is always fixing our electronics devices. I don't know how he ended up being one of us, but then again, I don't know how Edward and I did it either.

Yes, he is the captain of the football team and yes I am a cheerleader, but we did those things, _after_ we were in with the cool kids.

"Alice went to some cruise or whatever and met a guy, I don't remember his name, and anyway, Emmett didn't approve, and ended up getting into a fight with him." He continues on, sharing information about his siblings and bringing me out of my thoughts. I know he doesn't really like betraying their trust like that, but it's all part of who we are inside this place.

"What about Tanya?" I ask timidly. Tanya Her Highness Denali, cousin of Kate and Irina, head of the cheerleaders' squad, blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect body, perfect face, perfect clothes…. and above all, Edward's on and off girlfriend. They've been together since 9th grade, but in between break ups and their so called time off, I don't know how many months they've actually been together since then. All I know is they always manage to get back together in time for the school dances and Valentine's Day. They are always a couple when it matters the most. Besides everyone knows they'll end up back together anyway. It's stated in some kind of invisible law that the captain of the football team and the principal cheerleader must be together.

"I don't know about her. We decided to take a break before summer started. I haven't heard from her ever since." He replies.

I know he said "we" but I'm sure he was the one who suggested the break. It's usually him. Whenever he gets too tired of playing perfect boyfriend, they take a break and he has his fun for a while. Tanya pretends it doesn't bother her to see him with other girls until she admits it does and they get together again.

I give him a sad smile, not knowing what to say. We get out of the car and make our way to the building. Everyone is already going inside; I guess we took too much time. I say my goodbyes to Edward, and start walking the opposite way from him. Making my way to my first class, I bump into Alice who squeals like she usually does when she's excited.

"Oh My God B! I missed you so much!" She kind of yells in my ear while hugging me. "We have _so _much to talk about!" She says eagerly, hooking her arm with mine. I smile at her before replying.

"You arrived so late yesterday. Edw—E, said you were tired so I left you alone." I answer her, mentally slapping myself for almost saying Edward's name. He was right. I am out of practice. Alice nods and doesn't comment on my almost mistake before talking again.

"Yes, I was. It was such a great trip! I met this guy, his name is Jasper, but we can talk about that later." She whispers at the end. We make it to our classroom just in time to sit before the teacher closes the door. I make eye contact with Irina and Kate who take this class with us and smile at them. They respond with a bright smile and a gracious wave. Thank God we don't have time to talk right away. That gives me time to compose myself and remember my fake self.

The day goes by surprisingly busy for a first day. I managed to get in time to all my classes, but without minutes to spare. I've been walking slowly and on a dazed from class to class feeling particularly out of place. People have waved, winked and yelled at me on the hallways and I have responded in the way I was supposed to. Still, I feel weirder than usual.

AP Calculus is the only class I have without any of the group and it's the period before lunch. Therefore, I get to walk to lunch by myself. I make a detour to the bathroom to reapply my makeup. Lunch is where we're all going to be together for the first time in a couple of months. I know I have to look my best.

When I open the bathroom door, I am met with the Blondie-Bunch. Tanya, Kate, and Irina are all there checking themselves out in the mirror. I have already seen them today, but we haven't been able to talk. I take notice for the first time of their outfits. Kate and Irina are wearing short but classy dresses with some platforms shoes, looking very much like models out of a magazine. Tanya is wearing tight skinny jeans with some flat knee-high boots and a sweater that screams European. She looks so effortlessly put together. Their makeup is impeccable as usual, perfectly fitting for this time of day, and making them stand out from the rest of the girls in school. Their hair is shiny and soft looking. It would almost make me jealous and insecure if I didn't know that my hair is one of my greatest traits.

"O-M-G! Look who it is girls, it's B!" Kate screams making Tanya and Irina turn around to face me. They encircle me in a group hug, murmuring how great it is to finally get to talk. They all let go of me at the same time, always in sync, to take a look at me. Irina is the first to give her opinion.

"I kind of like that blouse B." She says giving me a nod of approval while looking at her sister and cousin for reassurance. Three long seconds of silence pass before they nod back at her.

"I would've liked to see you with some height Izzy." Kate says referring to my ballerinas.

"Oh hush, you guys, flats are super cute." Tanya finally comments, winking at me and pointing to her flat boots. I could almost fly with the relief that overwhelms me.

"Thanks girls, you all look amazing… as always." I say giving them a smile. They smile back without thanking me, because there's no need. They don't need my approval.

After pleasantries are exchanged, I get in front of the mirror next to them and start retouching my makeup before heading out together.

Kate and Irina are leading the way while Tanya and I fall behind them. Tanya never enters the cafeteria first. She lets us walk in front of her to capture the attention of everybody and then she takes five seconds, building the anticipation, before walking in like the star she is.

When we reach the cafeteria, Kate and Irina go inside right away. I start to follow them quickly so that Tanya can be the last one to enter, but she grabs me, pulling me back, letting the doors close before I reach it. She walks us to the side of the hallway so that we don't disturb anyone.

"Tell me everything!" She says with an expectant look on her face.

"About what?" I ask completely lost. Oh my God, what did I miss? What is she talking about?

"Duh, silly B, about E! Did he miss me much?" She asks me before I get all paranoid. Of course she would ask me of all people, if Edw—E missed her. I am his best friend after all. That is not a secret. Our true selves might be a secret but our friendship is not.

"Um, I actually couldn't tell you T, we didn't hang out much this summer." That answer earns me a skeptical look. She raises an eyebrow in question. "I mean, he traveled back and forth with his Dad, so…we didn't…really talk much." I explain. It's not a lie either. Doctor Almighty spent all summer traveling to various cities to give some lectures about important surgical procedures. Obviously he dragged Edward along, since he wants him to become a doctor and all that.

"Mmm," she contemplates the truth to my answer before smiling her one hundred watts smile. "Well of course he did! He already texted me to meet him after school." She says with a dreamy yet smug look on her face. I smile back at her pretending to be happy for her.

"There you have it. That's great!" I tell her in an excited tone. She nods at me but then a determined look settles on her face.

"By the way B, you should find yourself a ride home. I plan to get E to drive me so that we can spend as much time together as we can. We need to reconnect." She says seriously, leaving no room for argument.

"Of course T, I'll talk to Ali." I say with a false smile plastered on my face. This is not the first time I am left without a ride, especially at the hands of Tanya. Alice and Emmett have always ridden together while Edward designated himself as my personal driver. Despite my insistence that he lets me drive with his brother and sister, he always says no. He always picks me up in the mornings and drives me back home in the afternoons. Unless something comes up, like Tanya claiming her ownership to him, seducing him into doing whatever she wants.

"Sure you will…now let's go to lunch." She says giving me no time to argue and encouraging me to walk ahead of her. I get to the cafeteria and all eyes turn to look at me for a moment. Guys take appreciative looks at me while girls give me glares of jealousy. I make my way to our table where the girls are eating and chatting. The boys are in the table next to them eating their food. Just when I am about to sit, the cafeteria doors open once again. Tanya makes her way towards us walking as if she is floating. Her hair sways around her with the movement of her body. I could swear everyone has stopped talking and moving just to watch her, myself included.

Instead of sitting with us girls, she sits on the boy's table, next to Edward. She ruffles his hair and kisses his cheek. I look away.

"Hey Ali," I whisper. She looks at me expectantly. "I need a ride home." I tell her, pointing with my head to Tanya and Edward. He has his arm draped around her and is hanging unto every word coming from her lips. Alice nods her head, understanding evident on her face. I think our little exchange has gone unnoticed but then Kate leans in to prove me otherwise.

"Isn't it great B? T and E are going to get back together." She murmurs in my ear. I smile and nod, taking a grape from her tray and chewing slowly to keep my mouth busy. My feelings are all over the place and I don't like it. It's getting harder by the second to pretend to be who I'm not, to pretend that I'm happy for them. I sigh and keep taking fruits from the girls' trays. Any other day, I would've bought my own food, but today I know it'd go to waste. I am eating just to do something with myself.

"Did you guys hear?" Irina asks excitedly, getting the attention from both ours and the boys' table. I chance a look at Edward, afraid that I missed out on some important information. The look of confusion on his face tells me he knows nothing so I breathe a sigh of relief. No one asks Irina what she's talking about, but she answers anyway. "We are getting fresh meat! Two new students will be joining us tomorrow, a girl and a boy. They are siblings."

"How is this exciting Inna?" Tanya asks looking bored, placing her fingers in Edward's hair. For a moment I let myself day dream about her fingers falling off one by one in a painful way.

Irina shrugs and with that the conversation is over. Lunch is over all too soon, thankfully, and everyone stands up to go their merry way. I linger behind giving them time to leave without me. When I exit the cafeteria, I am met with Edward, looking very much like a teenage dream resting his body against the wall. His left leg is propped up and his arms are crossed in front of him. I sigh and start walking towards him. When I get close to him I keep walking and he starts walking next to me.

"What's up B?" He asks me, pushing my shoulder like he usually does. I shrug.

"Not much." But then I remember. "I got myself a ride home, so you have nothing to worry about." I say, surprising myself by how bitter my voice sounds. He looks at me with a weird expression on his face.

"What are you talking about? Why would you need a ride?" He says when just when we get to our classroom. We enter the classroom and take our sits quietly, because the teacher is watching us intently. We are the last ones to arrive, so after we are seated, he begins the standard lecture that's given on the first day.

Edward looks at me in confusion, asking me with his eyes to explain what I said outside. I just shake my head. I hear the huff of annoyance he makes, before he searches a blank sheet, writes a message and passes it to me. I sigh. We've always done this. It doesn't matter how old we get, it's like middle school, when we used to have endless conversations on little pieces of paper. I take the paper to read it.

_Bella, what did you mean? Why do you need a ride home? Is something wrong?_

I take my time looking for a pen or a pencil to write him back, and when he realizes I am wasting time, he passes me his pen, muttering under his breath.

_E, I meant exactly what I said, I needed a ride home and I got it. Nothing's wrong. You can go to T's house without having to worry about me. _

I pass it back to him. For a moment I regret being so cold to him and letting my feelings get the best of me, but I can't help feeling a little thrown back that he plans to be with Tanya and I got to hear it from her. He usually tells me where his mind is regarding her. This morning when I asked about her, he seemed so aloof, like he really didn't care about her whereabouts. I guess one look at her changed all that. Her beauty must have that much power.

He stares silently at the paper and when I chance a look at him, I can't decipher the look in his face. It resembles anger but before I can figure it out, he crumples the paper and looks up. Mr. Banner is looking at us, knowing we weren't paying attention. He gives us a severe look and continues talking. After that, Edward doesn't write and I don't look back at him.

I spend the rest of the class coming up with a plan to exit the room before Edward gets to talk to me.

I don't think I can pretend anymore.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading and for adding me to your alert list. It means a lot.<strong>

**I hope you liked this chap, and please, if you come up with a better short for Tanya, let me know :)**

**If you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them.**

**Till next time, xo.**


	3. Broken Illusions Hit Harder Than Reality

**SM owns. Thank you to my lovely friend Mari for being awesome!**

**Special thanks to my friend Teppy (Jay) for helping out. **

**I heart you both!**

**Please read A/N at the end.**

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><p><strong>Broken Illusions Hit Harder Than Reality<strong>

"_Anyone can tell you it won't hurt tomorrow. _

_I'm here to listen while it hurts today."_

_Unknown_

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><p>I pace back and forth in the narrow hallway. The white walls mock me in their calmness. The stench that all hospitals seem to have is making me dizzy. I can't wait to get out of here. Edward comes out of the room with a strange expression, his hair is a mess, more than usual, and his clothes are rumpled.<p>

I go to him right away.

"Is she okay?" I breathe. He smiles a bit before answering.

"She's fine. She has a broken leg and a couple of bruises, nothing too serious." He tells me.

"I'm so glad." I say honestly.

After our little argument, Edward got pulled out of Biology to be informed his mom was in the hospital. She was hit by a car on her way to a neighbor's house. Alice and I were left with Emmett's jeep while he drove with Edward to find out what was going on. We came here straight from school. Alice was going crazy with worry. I am almost 100% sure that the only reason she was left behind was so that I could get a ride with her. And I am completely sure that the one responsible for that is Edward.

"Why are you here by the way?" He says with indifference.

"What do you mean?" I ask not understanding why he would ask that.

"You hate hospitals." He replies, giving me a pointed look. I can't even deny it, because it's true. He knows it and I know it, so I won't even bother to pretend I don't. I shrug, trying to look nonchalant. "Your mom just got hit by a car Edward." I say by way of explanation.

It doesn't matter how much I hate hospitals. He's my friend and that woman in there treats me like her own daughter. Of course I'd be here.

He doesn't comment and we fall into an awkward silence. I play with the hem of my blouse feeling weird. In all my years of friendship with Edward, we've never been awkward together. Our relationship is easygoing and natural. I don't understand. _Or maybe it's just me. _Maybe it's because I have a crush on him, that suddenly everything is different for me.

_A crush? Really? Is that what we're calling it now? _My inner voice asks annoyingly. I groan softly at myself.

"You were mad at me." It's not a question. It's a statement I don't even bother trying to deny. He's resting his weight against the white walls, staring into space. I am slumping next to him, watching his profile carefully. When he looks at me out of the corner of his eye, I look away.

"I don't like being out of the loop. You could've given me a heads up." I mutter. He places himself in front of me getting my attention automatically.

"You're right. I'm sorry." He tells me looking at me straight in the eyes. I know he means it. I sigh and smile a little, letting him know it's okay. Because, honestly, it _is _okay. I can't go on blaming Edward for how I feel. It's not his fault. We've been friends forever; our fake selves have existed for a while now. Why would we change now, because I have feelings for him? That's not his fault either. It's not his fault he is totally dreamy and maybe the one and only guy who gets me. It's not his fault that his skin brings my body alive whenever I come in touch with it. It's not his fault he looks like a freaking Adonis.

If anything, I'm the one to blame for this. I am the one who let my stupid teenage hormones get the best of me.

"Bella?" I hear him whisper, waving his hand in front of my face. I snap out of my thoughts and focus my eyes on his handsome face. When he's sure he has my attention, he speaks again. "You should go. I know this is hard for you." His voice is soft and delicate, his expression full of compassion.

He's right of course. It is hard for me to be here. After my mom's death, I've only been here a handful of times, just for a few minutes and never in this part of the hospital. I am all too aware that I am just a few doors away from the room where my mother lived her last months. Edward must know that the reason why I'm not joking around with him, trying to cheer him up, has more to do with that than with me being mad at him earlier.

I nod at him and spot my father talking to a nurse. He was here when Alice and I arrived, asking a couple of questions to the man who was driving the car that hit Esme. For a small town Police Department, this must be the most action they've seen in weeks; asking questions to a guy who maybe just wasn't paying attention to the road. It's not like he's a criminal who got paid to kill Esme Cullen. He's probably even friends with her.

"Bella?" Edward once again whispers, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, you're right. I'll go see if I can catch a ride with my dad." I tell him, pushing away from the wall and walking away. He grabs my arm, pulling me back, really close to him. "Are you sure? I can get someone to drive you." He speaks in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. His voice is full of worry, always concerned for my well being.

"That's not necessary. I'll go with Charlie." I turn my head slightly so I can give him a reassuring smile, but careful not to get face to face to him. He lets go of me and I sigh with relief. Every time he gets that close, I get all jumpy and nervous, like the stupid girl I am. I start walking away from him and towards my father.

Before I reach the end of the hallway, I look back and see Edward standing in the middle of it. Our eyes meet and for a minute there I see something different in the way he looks at me. My heart twists inside me, and my breath falters a bit. Although I know I have to look away at some point, I can't. I just can't. His gaze is mesmerizing, his green eyes spark in the bright room and it burns right through me. Just when I think I can't take the intensity of the moment anymore, he smiles my smile and makes a gesture with his hands. He's letting me know he'll call later.

I bump into my father's back and my Mexican soap opera moment is over.

"Bells?" He asks, steadying me.

"Hi dad…would you give me a ride home, please?" I tell him softly. He gives me a once over before reaching my eyes. He nods and makes his way to the exit door wordlessly. I follow silently as well. We reach the police cruise and once inside I fetch my cell phone and text Alice. I let her know I went home with my dad and wish her mom a full recovery.

The confined space of the old car feels even smaller with the tension of my father and I together in it. It's been forever since I drove anywhere with him. His eyes are dead, as they've always been after mom died, and his mouth is set on a grim line. I don't bother offering any kind of information about my first day at school because I gave up trying to get to him long ago.

We don't say a word to each other until he parks in front of our house.

"Here's some…money…for, uh…dinner…I'll work late tonight." He stutters giving me a few bills. I take them from him, muttering a quiet "thanks" before stepping out of the car. He waits for me to get inside before driving away. As soon as I lock the door behind me, the phone rings. I run to the kitchen to answer it.

"Hello?"

"_You're home." _His velvet voice breathes through the phone.

"Well, isn't that where you called?" I say sarcastically.

"_Yes, but you love lying to me, so I figured if I called directly to your place, I could find out for sure if you made it there safely." _ Edward has this obsession with my safety. Ever since we were kids, he's placed upon himself the duty to look out for me, especially after my mom died. At first, it used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I even like it. It makes me feel special that he worries about me. He still goes a little overboard with it, though.

"Of course I made it home safely Edward. Charlie is a cop, remember?" He chuckles quietly. "How's Esme?" I ask and hear him sigh.

"_She's in high spirits, as usual, cracking jokes with Em, and the nurses." _I smile, because I can totally picture that scene in my head. Still, the sad tone of Edward's voice worries me.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"_Later…tonight." _He whispers. _"Emmett will spend the night here with her and I'll go back to the house with Alice…I'll text you when she goes to sleep, okay? I have to go now." _

We say our goodbyes and I go to hunt down some food. I am feeling a bit better, knowing that no matter what, Edward and I will always have our sanctuary to go to. Even though most of the times we only hang out there to discuss music and literature, sometimes we meet up to just chill.

After I heat and eat some leftovers, I take a shower and get dress in my favorite jeans and a black tank top. By eight o'clock, I've eaten twice, taken a shower, organized the dates of the few assignments left today and cleaned up the kitchen.

I am feeling restless, and impatient. I haven't heard from Edward after we talked earlier and it's making me anxious. I've check my cell phone a thousand times.

Irina and Kate have both texted me to hear from Edward, and of course to inform Tanya. I don't understand how she and Edward can even be a couple. She cares so little for the important things in his life. She should've been at the hospital today supporting him.

_Why would she, when he has you for that? _ I stop myself from dwelling deeper into those thoughts.

I turn on the TV and lie down on the couch. Of course it's impossible, because I don't like watching TV. Therefore, I keep checking my cell phone every two minutes. I find an old movie, and I try to pay attention. Apparently I dozed off, because the next thing I know, I am awaken by the vibrating motion of my cell phone in my hands.

It's already ten thirty. I have three missed calls from Edward and a text from him a few minutes ago. He's asking me to meet him in ten minutes. I get up from the couch and search for an old purple hoodie to put on, along with my sneakers. When I'm ready to go, I half run to the kitchen on my way out. My heart is thumping from running around so much inside the house and because I know I'll be with Edward. _Jeez, will you calm down? _

I slow my pace once I'm outside, so that I don't draw unnecessary attention. The last thing I need is to be mistaken for a burglar. Edward's house and mine are connected by a narrow path hidden between the mini forest behind my house. We discovered it years ago and we are the only ones who know about it. But I don't always use it, because honestly, it's creepy as hell at this hour. So I'm walking on the sidewalk, hoping that our neighbors are locked up for the night. Later tonight, I'll have to walk back through the passage, because it'd be too late to risk being seen. Of course Edward will be there. I sigh. _Get a grip!_

I get to the Cullen's backyard only to find it empty. Edward is nowhere to be seen. I circle the round space where we hang out, thinking that maybe Edward is running late. A few minutes pass and I'm starting to panic a little when my cell phone rings. It's Edward. I answer while pacing back and forth.

"_Where the hell are you?" _Edward screams at me through the phone. I am startled by his question because I could ask him the same thing. I'm about to do just that when I hear movement behind me. I feel my blood run cold and my hair stand on end at the back of my neck. I turn around slowly, thinking I'll find my death, only to be met by Edward. He has his cell phone glued to his ear and a look of confusion mixed with relief on his face. He's wearing jeans and a long sleeved sweater that fits him perfectly. I don't even know how I can even focus on that stuff when I was just saying my final prayers seconds ago. _Maybe you are just horny. _I snort.

Edward stands in front of me, takes my cell phone from my hands and presses the end button. He puts both of our phones in his pocket and envelopes me in a strong hug. We both sigh at the same time. I feel his heart beating in my ear.

"You scared the hell out of me." He breathes, talking to my hair, rocking us a little from side to side before letting me go. I look up at him in confusion. "You didn't answer your cell phone, and then I ran to your place and you weren't there. I called your home too, and no one answered." He says, explaining.

"Sorry. I fell asleep and then I came here straight away when I saw your text." I tell him, leaving out the part where I ran like a crazy person just to be here with him.

"Yeah, well, next time let me know you're on your way please." He says bumping my shoulder and smiling a little. I smile back and shrug.

Edward goes inside the house to search for our blanket and comes back with it and a book on his hands. We arranged ourselves on the ground, enjoying a moment of silence. He is looking up to the stars while I look at his profile. The air is humid and already colder than yesterday night. I hug myself to keep from shivering. Edward notices this and instantly gets closer to me, wrapping his strong arm around my shoulders. He looks down at me and smiles softly, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.

I sigh in contentment, allowing myself to enjoy this moment. A few more minutes of silence pass. I don't talk, because I have nothing to say. Plus, I'm afraid that my voice will betray me.

"Dad paroled me around the hospital the whole afternoon. I couldn't even be with mom all that much." He says out of nowhere.

So this is what was bothering him earlier. It had nothing to do with his mom's condition.

"I'm sorry." I tell him as a reflex. He just shrugs. It's not like it's a surprise for either of us. It sounds like something his dad would do.

"Yeah, well…there's nothing I can do about it." He says full of resignation.

"You could always…you know…_tell _him the truth." Edward doesn't want to be a doctor. He doesn't even know what he wants to be. He claims that's the real reason why he hadn't said anything to his dad, but I know he's just being a coward. _Oh! You want to talk cowards, do you? _My not so nice inner voice retorts. I ignore her, as usual. I've always advised him to be honest with his father. I know I'm not the right person to give that advice, but it's not the same to pretend to be someone during my high school years, as to choose the wrong career I'll work for the rest of my life. This is important.

"Bella we've talked about this. I can't just…tell him." He says, scooting away from me.

"Yes, but—" I start but he stops me.

"I don't want to talk about this, okay?" I nod at him, repressing my bitchy comment, because I know he doesn't need that right now.

"By the way, I have one of your books here. Thanks again." He says taking the book he brought earlier and handing it to me. I don't even know which book he's talking about. Sometimes he just goes to my room, grabs one and I don't notice it's gone until he returns it. I stare at the book in my hands. It's a copy of _Lolita _by Vladimir Nabokov. I bought it online last year.

"Ugh, you are such a perv." I tell him hitting his shoulder. He's read this book so many times since I l lend it to him after I read it. He smirks at me.

"I am not a perv, that's a good book." He says confidently.

"I don't like it." I say while he gasps in mock horror.

"How could you say that? That's a classic! Do you know how many stories, songs, and general culture that book has inspired? There's even porn named after that." I roll my eyes at that but then smile at his words, not because of what he says, but because of how passionate he is. I smile because I know I may be the only person who gets to see him this excited talking about a book.

"I am aware it's a classic. That is the only reason why I bought and read it in the first place. It doesn't mean I have to like it."

We banter back and forth for a while and I can't help but feeling incredibly happy. This is us and I love it. I am not distracted by my feelings for him, for once in a really long time. I don't feel any residual anger towards him from what happened this morning. There's no awkwardness. It's just Edward; the boy who played with me at the beach and danced with me in the rain when we were little. The one who lets me eat the last slice of pizza whenever I am hanging out at his place with his siblings. The boy who let me cried on his shirt when Lauren Mallory said I looked like a squirrel.

There is no need for awkwardness. There is no place for anger. I can still be his best friend.

After our bickering about literature, Edward announced he was tired. We walk to my house without talking. I am feeling tired too, and just like last night, I am not ready for the day ahead. We get to my backyard and Edward stays behind as I walk to my kitchen door. I turn around to wave goodbye, only to find him right in front of me. I can't contain the sharp intake of breath at his unexpected proximity.

"Did I scare you?" He says clearly amused. I punch his chest.

"You are such a jerk sometimes." I tell him honestly. He gets serious before inching closer to me, removing a lock of hair from my face.

"I'm glad you put up with me, though." He says looking at me in the eyes. I am lost in the green of his stare. I see his eyes flick for a minute to my mouth and my heart starts to beat faster than it already was. I can't move, I can't think, I can only see him. I can only _feel _him. I stay put, paralyzed, waiting for him to make the move. After what feels like forever, he ducks his head to mine. I close my eyes at the same time his soft lips connect with my right cheek.

"Good night Bella." He whispers in my ear before straightening up and walking away. I stare at his retrieving form, watching it disappear in the darkness. The only reminder of his existence is the perfume of his clothes in the air, and the burn of my skin where he touched it.

_Damn it! _

Yes, inner voice, damn it, indeed.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.<strong>

**Hit review and let me know.**

**If you have any questions, ask and I'll answer. **

_**Till next time, xo.**_


	4. Alcohol & Feelings Don

**Stephenie Meyer owns every Twilight related thing I may use.**

**Other owners own every reference I may use. The plot is mine though :)**

**Super Thanks to my AWESOME Fellow Rockstar Mari, for reading this and helping me out.**

**You Rock "Little One"**

**Please read A/N at the end.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: Alcohol &amp; Feelings Don't Mix.<strong>

"_Love is when you shed a tear and still want him,__it's when he ignores you and you still love him,_

_it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, _

_when all you really do is cry."_

_ Kay Knudsen_

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><p>I want to punch someone, something, a wall, a face…anything. It wouldn't make a difference. I just have this need to hear the sound of something breaking. It'd be better if it were me doing the damage.<p>

_Jeez, would you calm down already? _

That's my inner voice trying to be all calm and stuff. Not working.

Last night Edward got me all flustered and hopeful only to crush my hopes without even realizing it. Or maybe he did. Maybe he knew what he was doing. I don't know. The point is, I allowed myself to be confused by his actions. I let my guard down completely waiting for that kiss, only to be met with disappointment.

He picked me up this morning being his cheerful self, not having a clue of what goes through my mind. He commented once on my more than usual bitchy attitude, but otherwise appears to be unaffected.

"B, you look like you could kill someone." Kate tells me, from her place beside me. We are having lunch, or at least I am. The rest of our group is drooling over the new girl. Rosalie Hale. Ugh, what kind of name is that?

She's blonde. Another one. Like we need any more blondes around here. She's tall, voluptuous, and looks like a freaking Barbie. She can give Tanya a run for her money any day. If the look of every guy in school is any indication, she already is.

Rosalie is the sister of Jasper, the guy Alice met at her summer's cruise. What are the chances right? They have been sucking faces since they saw each other in first period. Alice is elated to say the least.

"I don't know what you mean." I say to Kate trying not to break my plastic fork.

"Come on! You look like you want to bitch slap the new girl." Irina comments. How perceptive Irina! How many brain cells did that cost you?

"Who doesn't?" Tanya adds. Edward has been fighting with Emmett the whole day, about who gets to have a shot with Rosalie first. They're not even on the boy's table next to us. That's the real reason of my murder desires. Of course none of them know that.

"B's been single for too long. She needs to get laid, like A.S. A.P." Kate says earning giggles from her cousin and sister. They're referring to my several hook ups with Mike Newton since freshman year. He's on the football team with the rest of the guys, but he's not exactly part of the popular kids. He was accepted as my date several times, because he's on the team.

"Mmm, I think K is right Izzy. You have too much pent up energy going on right now." Tanya speaks. This is just great! Now they're going to be all over me with this. I'll have to come up with some excuses soon enough to deflect this. I am not in the mood to let one of the jocks cop my field just to get these girls off my back.

"I just need to sleep. That's what I need." I say, trying not to sound too bitter, or angry, or pissed, or all the other things I feel right now.

"Just go out on a date, or hell, a make out session would do the trick." Irina pressures. I want them to just shut up. I can't deal with this right now. I look to the window and catch a glimpse of Alice smiling brightly at Jasper who is looking at her with puppy eyes. I glance to the other side and see Edward and Emmett talking to a smug looking Rosalie. Kate and Tyler are now giving each other lustful looks from across the tables. Everywhere I look there's something sexual or loving going on. In the meantime, I get to feel sorry for myself for being the classic "I fell in love with my best friend" girl. So pathetic.

The bell ringing saved me from the Blondie Bunch dwelling deeper into my life and I get to escape them to go to Biology. Edward is late that day, and the rest of the week. Not only for Biology but also to every other thing that he needs to be on time; football practice, picking me up to go to school, meeting me at his backyard one night.

Late, Late, Late.

It's starting to get on my nerves. I've been a bitch this entire week which is not helping my case against the "let's get Bella laid" squat. Cheerleading and football practice are on the same days and Tanya, Irina and Kate have been restless, pointing out guys while they work out on the field.

I hope they don't notice my eyes search Edward's naked chest whenever I can. I hope he doesn't notice either. He hasn't been his usual self since Rosalie got here. He's been distracted, he doesn't know what's going on around him and he hasn't called me not even once on my attitude. The moments we spend together have been spent on silence or filled with talk about Rosalie, which I've tried to block to the best of my abilities.

We've only met once in the backyard after the almost kiss, and he was late and not really there. I don't like this. I feel like I'm losing him, the bit of him I call mine that is. The point is, it's affecting me much more than it should. It's starting to show in everything I do. The girls all think my mood is due to some lack of sexual relief, which I won't really admit even thought they might be kind of right. In their own shallow, slutty way. I've let them think that's the reason because it's better than the alternative. Although they are driving me insane! Just this morning, Tanya said I was worried Mike would hook up with Rosalie, and that I was jealous. What is she, like completely out of her mind? I'd say so.

Mike Newton, for Christ's sake! The only reason I slept with him was because I was a bit naïve that first year, and pretty much drunk that night. Not exactly the best way to lose my virginity, but nothing that hasn't happened before to an American girl. Anyway, the point is I am _not _worried about Mike doing whatever he wants with Rosalie, or any other girl. I don't care about Mike. Now that I think about it, I'd rather be thinking about Mike instead of Edward. I'd rather feel something for anyone who wasn't Edward.

"You should go if you want to catch a ride with E." Alice's voice brings me out of my thoughts. We are on the locker room, taking a break from practice.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"He's leaving early today, I don't exactly know why. I don't care. Jazz is picking me up." She tells me with a dreamy look on her face. She's been pretty much invisible to us since she and Jasper got reunited by this chick flick coincidence. How very Grease of them.

"Whatever, I'll just walk." I say before trying to get past Alice to leave the room. She stops me.

"I think you should just talk to him." She tells me like it's the most obvious thing in the world. I look at her like the crazy person she is.

"Talk to him? Him who? And what about exactly?"

" Oh come on B! Don't give me that. I know you two have been acting all weird with each other these pasts few days. I just don't know why. But whatever it is, can be solved by talking…so please get your stuff and go." She says talking a mile a minute. I didn't know the change in my relationship with Edward was evident. But Alice has always been a little more observant than the rest, so maybe it's just her.

After a bit of coaxing and some punches she threw my way, I decide to listen to her and go to meet Edward at the parking lot.

I run because I don't want to miss him. Alice's talk about us acting weird, just reminded me how much I enjoy having Edward in my life and how crappy it's been to be upset with him. I arrive to the parking lot out of breath. Luckily for me, he parked on one of the closest spots so I don't have to walk that much to reach him.

He's putting away something on the trunk when he notices me.

"Hey." I say like the intelligent human being I am.

"Hey." He answers closing the trunk.

"Alice said you'd be leaving earlier from practice today, so I figured…you know…" I trail off, because the functioning parts of my brain have left town. Plus, I'm all awkward and nervous.

"Right." He says not moving from his place next to the car. I am standing in front of him at a respectable distance.

"Unless you don't want to…since you didn't care to let me know." I accuse him bitterly. Since when does he leave early from anywhere without letting me know. Since Football and cheerleading practice are the same days, he also drives me on those days. Sometimes I have to wait for him to be done because he gets a little carried away exercising.

"You can drop the attitude Bella, it's getting old." He spats going to the passenger door and opening it. I just stare at him. So he has noticed my bad mood but just decided not to comment on it. Why?

"Get in." He commands holding the door open. I didn't realized when he moved to the other side of the car.

"What?" I ask him forcefully. He has lost his mind, I'm sure of it.

"I need to go, so if you want me to drive you, you need to get in." He says with fake calm. I don't understand what's going on. Why is he acting this way? I know my reasons for my mood, but what are his?

"What the hell is your problem?" I almost scream at him in frustration. He can't tell me to drop my attitude then push me around to get in the same car with him, when he's clearly not interested in driving me.

"Me? What the hell is _your _problem?" He screams back slamming the door and walking to get in front of me. He's really close and now I can see his eyes better. Their green is full of fire and energy and I am lost in them. "You've been a complete bitch this past few days and I don't know what your deal is." He continues in a loud voice.

"Oh! And you have time to notice this? I thought you were too busy following Rosalie around!" I say angrily. I can't believe I just said that! I just gave away my jealousy. Forget the almost kiss; this is what's driving me crazy. I'm jealous of Rosalie because he has spent this entire week with her while I burn with rage inside.

"Is that what this is about? You're jealous of Rosalie?" He asks me softening his voice. I shake my head and cross my arms in front of me. He gets closer to me and lowers his head to search my eyes. I avoid him.

"Come on Bella, you know better than that." He tells me and I hear a bit of the Edward I know in his voice. "Get in the car." He commands once again. I stay put. "Please," he whispers and this time grabs one of my arms and pulls me to him. I comply without resistance because I've lost my conviction.

Edward has the ability to calm me even when he may be the one driving me insane. I don't know why. There's just something about his presence that's soothing. I remember when my mom died, he was the only one who could make me stop crying. He would hug me, or take my hand in his, or just sit down next to me, and for a moment I could breathe better.

Of course now, when I know I feel this way about him, the feeling has intensified. Everything he does affects me much more strongly than before.

"Rosalie's uncle is…capable of getting me into a college where I can do music. It's kind of a big deal. She says that if I'm good at anything music related, he can get me a scholarship. I'm supposed to be working on improving my abilities and stuff." He says while we are sitting in the car with the engine off. He's facing me with an expectant look on his face. It's almost as if he's waiting for my approval.

I'm happy for him. I truly am. He's thinking about the future, his future, and that makes me proud. However, I cannot stop thinking about the fact that I am no longer the only person who knows about his love for music.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask. He shrugs.

"I don't know…" He answers and for some reason I feel like he's lying. I don't call him on it though.

"If this is what you want, you know I'll support you. I…I'm glad you're doing this." I tell him after a while, making sure he knows I mean every word.

After that, he drives me to my house and we talk like nothing happened. Like he didn't break my heart the other night with the almost kiss, or as if he hasn't been ignoring me for the most part this week.

I guess I am to blame for our distance this week too. After all, I _was _being a bitch to everyone around me. He was giving me space, I suppose. I still would've preferred if he had just confronted me, like he has done in the past when I get like that. But I understand he had his own things to deal with.

I understand. I always understand.

The next day, Saturday, is the first football game of this season and there's a big party afterwards to welcome the new school year at Tyler's house. All the girls will be spending the night at Tanya's house, including me. _Yay! _

Edward and I arrive together to the field and I could say we are back to normal. The game is exciting, for people who enjoy it. We win thanks to the Cullen brothers and I pretend I am really happy for this trivial thing. The truth is, wearing the really short skirt of my cheerleading uniform for the first time in a couple of months; I have never felt more like a joke.

I am a joke. I come here wearing this and the false smile and the fake cheers, pretending to be someone I'm not. Every day I get closer to snapping. Every day I dream about telling everyone to fuck off and be myself. The saddest part is…I don't remember what "being myself" feels like.

After the game everyone goes to their house to dress up for the party. Instead of going to my place I stay at the Cullen's so that Alice can help me out. Of course she doesn't know that the reason I come here to get dressed is not to spend girl time with her, but to make sure I look the part.

She picks out a short pink skirt, a black top and a black pair of high heels. She claims my look is edgy feminine, whatever that means, so most of the time she dresses me in dark colors coupled with some electric one. I let her do whatever she wants.

While I wait for her to be done, I venture downstairs and find Edward on the living room. He's wearing dark jeans and a green sweater, as if his eyes need any more help. They are green enough. I go to him and punch him from behind and he screams some curses until he notices it's me.

"No need to be aggressive." He says.

"Oh you can't take that big boy?" I joke, mimicking the stance of a boxer.

"Damn, Swan, you look…smoking hot tonight." Emmett tells me coming out of the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand.

"Thanks Em." I say with a smug look on my face. I may not like dressing up and all that jazz, but I do enjoy the compliments. It makes me feel less…out of place.

"Are you trying to get laid at this party?" He asks me winking at me. I laugh at the funny look on his face while Edward snorts behind me. What was that noise for? I turn around to question him with my eyes but he doesn't answer.

Before I can ask again, Alice comes down the stairs pushing us to leave because she can't wait to see Jasper. Tonight the four of us are riding together on Emmett's jeep. Edward wasn't in the mood for having his car subjected to Emmett's puking. Because that is how the night is going to end. We all know that.

Tyler's house is packed by the time we get there. There are cars up and down his street. The music is loud and obnoxious, but thankfully there are no close neighbors to call the police or anything.

As soon as we are inside the house, I am left alone. Alice finds Jasper, Emmett finds Rosalie and Tanya corners Edward. I stay put in the middle of the living room while people walk around me to get drinks. The real party is happening in the backyard so I grab myself a beer and go outside. Kate is making out with Tyler and Irina is nowhere to be seen.

Great.

So I guess it's just me.

"Hey Swan." A masculine voice says from behind me. I turn around to find Peter. He is wearing a black leather jacket and is rocking the bad boy look that seems to be his only look.

"Oh, hi Peter. What's up?" I say nervously. Peter and I don't really talk. I don't know how to act around him.

"Not much." He answers cryptically. This is why I don't talk to him. I can't read him. I nod and smile awkwardly. We stand there in front of each other, sipping our beers and looking around. He looks so calm and collected like nothing fazes him. I don't know if it's an act but I wish I could look that cool.

"So…" I say awkwardly after a while. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye with a barely there smile.

"So…" He says back. I want to say something clever, because for some reason I think he thinks I'm stupid. Just when I open my mouth to talk, I see some movement inside one of the bedroom's window. The view is not that great because is on the second floor but I can clearly make out the two bodies there; Edward and Tanya. I see enough before looking away.

Peter gets in my face giving me a knowing look.

"You were saying…?" He tells me and I can't talk. I can't really breathe either.

"I need another beer." I tell him and he nods and walks to the house. While I am left alone, I try to control my breathing and take deep breaths. Peter returns and handles me the new bottle and I drink it quickly. He asks me to follow him after I'm done and I comply even though his presence is not really helping me feel better.

We walk to the deserted side of the backyard and sit on a big rock facing the house. It's a tricky thing wearing a short skirt but I manage. Being away from the crowd and the loud music soothes me a bit but my eyes still stare the bedroom window every five seconds. After some minutes of silence, Peter hands me a bottle of vodka. I give him a look and he just shrugs.

"I always carry one to these things." He tells me with a stoic face. I swear I can't figure him out. I take him up on his offer and welcome the burn of the alcohol in my chest. I know that I will start feeling buzzed in a while and that's exactly what I need. We drink in silence and I'm surprised by how normal this is. I complain about the cold and without uttering a word he takes off his jacket and places it around my shoulders. It smells…divine.

Why don't I talk to Peter? He is obviously not like the other guys at school. He is different. He is almost kind of dangerous. Maybe that's why. He kind of scares me a bit. I feel like if I get too close to him, he will notice the real me. Or at least notice I am not who I pretend to be. I can't let that happen.

The only one that can ever know who I am is Edward; Edward who is having sex with Tanya right this moment. I take a long shot of the vodka bottle.

"So…when are you going to tell him?" Peter asks me once I've passed the bottle back. The alcohol must be kicking in because I am sure I misheard him.

"What?" I ask back, and I'm surprised by how even my voice sounds. Maybe I'm not drunk yet.

"When are you going to tell him?" He questions slowly and I stiffen.

No.

No.

_No._

"What are you talking about?" I mutter nervously. Maybe it's not what I think it is…

"When are you going to tell Edward you're in love with him?" He asks looking at me directly in the eyes, making sure I understand every word he just said.

And I do.

I hear him loud and clear and I want to die.

I throw up instead.

_Great._

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><p><strong>Can I say WOW? Because really, WOW. I am blown away by the response to this story.<strong>

**You guys, along with the friends that have been supporting me on this, humbled me deeply.**

**It makes me feel AMAZING to know that at least one person takes the time to read, when it's more**

**than one, it's like winning the lottery! THANK YOU!**

**I hope you liked this chapter, so please drop a review and let me know, if you have questions, I'll answer.**

**Link to Bella's Outfit: www . polyvore cgi/ set?id=42712455& .locale=es (Remove Spaces where Needed)**

**_**Till next time, xo.**_**


	5. New Conflict

**SM owns, you guys know that.**

**I need to thank my superstar friend Mari, as usual.**

**Please read A/N at the end.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: New Conflict<strong>

"_Mankind is governed more by their feelings than by reason."_

_Samuel Adams.~_

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><p>"Fuck!"<p>

I hear Peter yell from beside me. He's unusually agitated and it's starting to worry me.

"What's up with you? Can you calm down already?" I ask him after taking a sip of water. He managed to get me to a spare bedroom that's next to the kitchen without getting noticed by anyone. I don't know how he did it. After the puking part, I don't remember much. It's kind of foggy.

I still feel the alcohol swirling inside me and I'm hoping he would focus on that instead of bringing up again that dreaded question.

_When are you going to tell Edward you're in love with him? _He couldn't have been any clearer. Some part of me wants to ask him what makes him think I'm in love with Edward. I want to know how I'm acting around him that made Peter pick up on that. The other part wishes to never have to talk to Peter again. I don't really like that part. I can't understand why.

Peter's pacing in front of me is making me dizzy. He's mumbling some words and running his hands through his hair. I never notice how attractive this guy really is. I must be drunk in some way. What am I doing thinking about Peter's attractiveness?

"Peter," I groan, "will you stop with the pacing already? Please." I tell him, collapsing onto the small bed behind me. This room is obviously not used in this household. It's full of boxes. It's kind of dusty and messy. I'm sure no one will find us here. I hope.

"If Edward finds out I got you drunk, he is going to _kill _me." Peter finally stops and looks at me with intense gray eyes.

"What? Why? Edward wouldn't…" I trail off when Peter comes closer to me, only to step back again.

"You don't know that. He's always going on and on about how much you…" He stops himself in the best part. My heart is hammering in my chest.

"How much I what?" I ask, getting up from the bed, losing my balance a bit in the process. Peter instantly grabs me and keeps me from falling. He looks down at me with a soft yet amused expression. I grab onto his arms while he keeps hold of my waist with his strong arms.

"What were you going to say? He's always going on about how much I…?" I prod because I need to know what he talks to the guys about me. Peter just shakes his head and gives me a tiny smile.

"He just…" He starts, but gets cut off by the door opening abruptly.

"What the hell?" Edward screams, closing the door behind him with a loud thud. Peter and I jump away from each other at the sound, but since I'm still weak, I lose my balance again. Both Peter and Edward make to grab me, and since Peter is closer he's the one that stops me from falling, yet again. I give him an appreciative smile.

"Get away from her." Edward commands, looking furious. He makes his way closer to Peter and grabs my arm to pull me to him. Peter doesn't let go of me, and I am left trapped in the middle of two very hot guys. Oh the things my mind is conjuring up right about now. _Such a slut. _My inner voice claims.

"Edward…what are you…?" I start but the look in his eyes shut me up.

"What am I doing? What are _you _doing? I've been looking everywhere for you. Alice told me she saw you get in here. Thank God I got here on time." He says frustrated.

Alice. Of course the know it all pixie would've seen me get in here. Before I can dwell on that, I focus on what Edward just said.

"In time for what?" I ask confused. He tightens his hold on me until it starts to hurt a little. I try to shake my arm free but he doesn't comply. "Edward…let go." I tell him but he ignores me. I shake my arm again, but I still can't get out of his grasp. Just when I'm about to ask him again, Peter pushes him away. The sudden movement caught him off guard, so he let go of me while stumbling backwards.

I instantly feel the tension in the room increasing. If Edward was angry before, he's losing it now. His eyes are so wild it scares me a bit. I know what he's about to do and I can't let him. I get in the middle of Peter and Edward again, facing Edward, asking him with my eyes to stop.

"Edward, calm down."I implore.

"Bella, get out of the damn way or I swear to God…" He threatens. I stay put in front of him.

"What are you going to do? Punch me? Why are you mad anyway?"I ask him trying to figure out what's going on. Because I've honestly never been so lost in my life.

"Why am I mad? You've got to be kidding me." He laughs a humorless laugh and backs up away from me. At least he's not trying to rip Peter's head off. "I can't believe you of all people would do this." He tells me looking disappointed. I don't understand.

"Do _what?" _I ask frustrated because I still don't have a clue of what he's talking about.

"Fuck some random guy at a party _Bella_! What were you thinking?" He spats, saying my nickname in a tone I really don't like. I cannot believe this is what this is about. I cannot. I just can't.

"Are you serious? This is what this is about? You thought I was going to have sex with Peter?" I ask him, getting angrier by the minute.

"Were you?" He asks back.

"Yes, she was. Get over it now." Peter answers from behind me and I almost want to kill him. I had forgotten he was even in the room. I turn around and give him a death glare. What is wrong with this guy?

Edward moves again to launch himself at Peter screaming names at him. Before his fist can make contact with Peter's face, I grab his shirt from behind with all the strength I can muster. He turns around livid.

"What the hell is your problem?"I hiss at him.

"What the hell is yours?" He screams back.

"No, what is your problem Edward? What's the big deal? So what if I was going to fuck Peter. What is it to you?" I ask defiantly.

"You are not that kind of girl, Bella." He tells me softly, stepping closer to me.

"What kind of girl Edward? A_ normal _one? What difference does it make, huh? Or didn't you fuck Tanya at this very same party? Isn't it that the same damn thing?" I scream in frustration, hitting his chest forcefully. Tears are starting to pool at my eyes and I blink them away slowly. He envelopes me in a hug and I sob uncontrollably into his chest.

He shushes me and pets my hair, whispering loving words. But all I do is cry. I cry so hard I can't breathe; so hard my eyes can't focus on anything. I cry because it hurts. I cry because I'm jealous of anyone that has ever slept with him. I cry because I'm in love with someone I can't have, but can't really walk away from either.

I cry because I'm a liar. Because I've let myself be so focused on fitting in that I don't know who I am anymore.

"Damn it, what the hell did you give her Withlock?" I hear Edward's voice full of anger.

"Don't blame this on me pretty boy. Why don't you ask yourself what did you do to your _Bella, _Cullen?" Peter retorts and both Edward and I stiffen. No one knows he calls me like that and Edward's been calling me that since he walked into this room. I let go of Edward, sniffing and sure I must look like hell. Edward catches some of my tears with his hands and kisses my forehead. I cringe.

"Let me take you home, okay?" He whispers. I shake my head.

"I…I…I'm su-supposed to, to…go to, T-Tanya's." I stutter, sniffing. He assures me he will tell them all I got sick and that he had to take me home. I don't question him. I don't fight him on it. I have no energy. I just let him drag me down the front door of the house. The party is still going strong at the backyard, so we can make an exit through the living room without interruptions.

"How are you planning on taking her home genius?" I hear Peter ask from behind me. I didn't realize he followed us out. Edward has his arm strongly wrapped around my waist, supporting all of my weight. He turns around and gives Peter a glare, while raking his hand through his hair.

"I'll just text Em, he will bring me the keys." Edward says confidently.

"Right, because your brother will handle things discretely. I'm sure Swan will enjoy being the spectacle of the night." Peter counters.

"Don't act like you know what's best for her. If it weren't for you she wouldn't be in this state in the first place." Edward spats tightening his arm around me.

"I wouldn't point any fingers if I were you, pretty boy." Peter defies Edward, and I wonder why he seemed so worried when we were alone. It seems like he's managing just fine. I give him a glare. He knows how I feel about Edward. I think he also caught up on the fact that his question was the trigger to my…indigestion.

"E," I start, trying to return to my façade. Edward flinches and I wonder why. "He's right," I continue, "Em, won't handle things well, I'm sure he's drunk by now." I reason. I earn a snort from him.

"He's not the only one." He says giving me a look. I get away from his grasp.

"I'm not drunk." I counter to which he rolls his eyes. Just when I'm about to start talking again, Peter walks past us and towards a black car that's parked in front of us. I'm only noticing it now. He opens the back seat and motions me to get in. I start walking but Edward's hold on my wrist stops me.

"Where do you think you're going?" Edward hisses at my ear. I give him a confused look.

"Peter's taking me home." I answer him, gesturing with my hands towards Peter's car.

"I don't fucking think so, _B._" He says full of anger. "I am not letting you get in that car." He continues in a final tone.

That's how I end up riding Peter's car with a tense looking Edward on the front seat. Peter just shook his head when Edward got in. He spends the entire drive giving me looks through the reviewer mirror, until Edward snapped at him and ask him to focus his eyes on the road.

"Where to?" Peter asks once he's out of Tyler's neighborhood.

"My house." Edward and I reply at the same time.

"Swan's house it is, then." He says, smirking at me through the mirror again. Edward just crosses his arms and huffs loudly. Such a child. What is up with him?

We get to my place and both guys jump out of the car to open my door. I am left in the middle, facing the decision which side to take. After a second of debate I use the door closer to the sidewalk, which happens to be the one Edward is holding open for me. He gives Peter a smug look and I wonder, once again, what is up with him.

I go to the backdoor of my house and Edward follows easily, knowing the path. Peter looks around confused, before following us.

"This is where you part, Withlock." Edward tells Peter, halting his movements with his hand on Peter's chest. Peter just looks down at Edward's hand, amused. He shakes his head and continues to walk to my door.

"Edward…it's okay. I need to talk to him." I tell him softly, hoping that me calling him Edward is going to make a difference. He looks at me surprised that I would say such a thing. I implore him with my eyes to stay behind for just a few seconds. He's clearly not happy with me, but stops a few steps away from where Peter and I are standing, just shy of my kitchen door.

Peter gets closer to me, smirking down at me. I know what he's doing. He's trying to block me from Edward's sight. He's trying to get a rise out of him.

"Peter, stop." I tell him, placing my hand on his chest. He is strong and his muscles flex underneath his shirt. He is warm, so warm and I wish I wasn't noticing this kind of things. He places his hand on top of mine and changes his expression to a sweet looking one.

"Swan…why do you let him do this to you?" He asks me softly and my eyes well up again. I shake my head. I imagine what tonight must have looked to him. I don't know what has gotten into Edward. He tugs a lock of hair behind my ear, keeping hold of my hand on his chest. "You're broken. He does this to you." He tells me, caressing my hair. The tears fall freely now from my eyes. I start shaking a bit, until Peter wraps his arms around me.

Damn it, I am such a girl. Why am I crying so much? Why am I acting like a damsel in distress? Peter strokes my hair and I feel myself relaxing under his touch. This has never happened before. I've never felt soothed at the touch of someone who wasn't Edward.

"It's all going to be okay. You'll see." He whispers and I let go of him to look into his eyes. He kisses my forehead softly and it doesn't make me feel small like when Edward does it. It makes my skin tingle a little. I just stare at him, wondering what's going on through his mind. What I wouldn't give to read minds. It would save me so much trouble.

I've spend this past few hours wondering the intentions of these two guys. I don't know if Edward's attitude is just him being the overprotective best friend he is, or if it has to do with something else entirely. On the other hand there's Peter, who seems to be in on my secret about my feelings, making me wonder who else might know about it. He's also acting extremely nice and sweet and I don't know what's going on.

He smiles down at me and I return his smile with a small one. I could swear we're sharing a moment. It feels like the beginning of something.

"You should…go." I tell him, breaking our moment, because I'm terrified of what I'm feeling inside. He nods and kisses my forehead again before walking away from me, bumping Edward on his way.

I stand there, with my back pressed against my door; in the very same spot I've said my goodbyes to Edward for years. In the same spot he almost kissed me a few days ago. I spot him on the far end of my backyard, wearing an apologetic smile. He has his hands in his pocket and his head turned down.

He starts walking towards me and I sigh at the hammering in my chest. How can a person feel so much, so many different things in this short amount of time?

"Hey…you feeling okay?" He asks me when he's standing right in front of me. I nod stiffly.

"Are you…sure?" He asks me again, stepping closer to me. I try to back away but I'm met by the already pressing on my back, door. He stops himself and lowers his eyes to my arm, where I'm rubbing the bruised skin from where he grabbed me earlier.

"I'm…I'm so sorry, Bella. I don't…I didn't mean…I honestly…don't know what's wrong with me." He stammers and it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and tell him is okay. I stay silent. He takes another step towards me and I give him a look that stops him again.

"I honestly don't know what's wrong with you either." I start, shaking my head. "Did you have to act like a caveman? Were out of your freaking mind? That's not the Edward I know…" and love, I add in my head. He has the decency to look remorseful.

"I…I know Bella, I know. I'm so sorry. You have to understand, though. I don't trust Peter, he's not…good for you." He says getting worked up.

"That is for me to decide." I tell him, not being moved by his words.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

Oh my God. It takes me all the strength I don't have to hold in my snort. He doesn't want me to get hurt. He, of all people, is telling me this. How ironic. You are the one that hurts me Edward. If I could only tell him that.

"I…won't." I tell him, because he's got it all wrong. Peter is not going to hurt me. I have nothing left to hurt inside me.

"You sure you're okay?" He asks me after a minute of silence, and I sigh. He looks so worried and sad. I don't want that. I nod and give him a tiny smile. He returns my smile with one of his, and gets closer and closer to me. Since I don't move or anything, he hugs me.

He rocks me in his arms and I enjoy the perfume of his clothes. This is so different from Peter's hug. My entire being has come alive under Edward's touch. My skin is burning, my heart is thumping loudly and my mind is blank. It's just him and me and this all consuming fire that runs through my being whenever he touches me.

"I was so worried, Bella. God, you have no idea." He whispers into my hair. I step away from his embrace, cleaning my face with my hands. I give him a look.

"Why, why do you always worry so much? Nothing is going to happen to me…" I start but he shakes his head. His face looks troubled.

"You don't understand, Bella. I'm supposed to take care of you." He tells me. He's right, I don't understand. I get that we take care of each other. That's what friends are for, but he takes it to another level. And lately is just increasing. If tonight is any indication to how things are going to be, I am definitely worried.

"Well, you're not supposed to act like that, Edward." I scold him.

"It's not like I was going to kill him." He mumbles under his breath. I narrow my eyes at him.

"Well, it looked like it." I tell him, crossing my arms in front of me.

"Since when are you and Peter buddies anyway?" He asks, stepping farther away from me, kicking dirt under his feet. I sigh.

This is weird. This school year has barely started and it's already exhausting me. Summer was so easy. I didn't see Edward as much as I'd like, but it was still better than this constant struggle to maintain things cool.

"He…kept me company tonight…when all of you…didn't." I finish shyly. I talk in plural so that I don't sound like a needy bitch, but truth is, all of this wouldn't have happened, if Edward had stayed by my side tonight. We are usually an united front at parties. He doesn't leave me, and I don't leave him. That went out the window tonight.

"Damn, I'm the worst friend ever, aren't I?" He asks me with dismay. I just stare at him. He's not. He's a good friend. I don't say anything.

"I promise I will never fail you again, Bella." He tells me coming closer to me, looking me dead in the eye. He takes my hand in his and holds them tightly to his chest. "You deserve better from me. You deserve the best from everyone." He continues.

He's right.

I do.

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><p><strong>I need to tell you guys that I am overwhelmed. You guys are awesome, thank you for reading, reviewing and everything else.<strong>

**I cry happy tears because of you. I am a little bit scared with this chapter, so please tell me if you like it or not.**

**I'm willing to answer any question you may have.**

_**Till next time, xo.**_


	6. Trying to Cover Up

**S****orry, it's been so long.**

**You know the deal, SM owns.**

**Mari, you are [the] boss my friend. Love You.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6: Trying to Cover Up<strong>

_"A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool _

_who knows what he is talking about."_

_Miguel de Unamuno.~_

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><p>Things were the same, yet different today. I wake up at the same hour as every other school day, I get dress in a girly outfit, I eat a pop tart for breakfast. It's part of my routine, but I feel strange. Last Saturday was that stupid party where I basically made a fool of myself. I mean, seriously, what is wrong with me? Drinking pure vodka with Peter Whitlock? I can't allow myself to lose control like that ever again.<p>

It's not like it's my fault Peter decided to spring that question on me like that. Of all the things he could've asked me, he decided to ask that one. If he has been paying enough attention to notice my feelings for Edward, there must be something I've been doing wrong.

He seemed nice enough not to tell anyone, but still I must confront him today.

"Knock, knock." Edward says from the almost open kitchen door.

"Since when do you knock?" I ask drinking the last of my glass of milk. He shrugs, stepping inside the kitchen, looking around as if something is going to grab and bite him here. _I could definitely bite him. _My always horny inner voice muses, catching on to the delectable way his neck looks under that t-shirt.

"Since I'm not sure if you're mad at me, or not." He answers giving me an apologetic look.

"I don't know…I should punish you for that stunt you pulled at the party." I say only half joking. Deep down I am still a bit bitter about him being such a jerk towards Peter, without good reason. Being overprotective can only excuse your actions for so long.

"I really am sorry Bella." He tells me looking me dead in the eye so I know he means it. I punch him lightly in the chest, grab my bag from the table, and wait for him outside.

He joins me on my backyard a couple of minutes after I've stepped outside. He locks the door behind him and walks towards me. We get in the car and he drives us to school.

Everything's different, yet the same.

We ride in silence; neither of us says a word. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, like I can't quite fit inside the seat. I feel like the tension in the air can be felt from miles away. I fidget a lot the entire drive, but Edward doesn't comment on it.

When we get to school, he parks in one of his usual spots, and I almost jump outside the car. The only thing is that before I can make it, Edward grabs my hand to keep me from it. I turn and look down at my hand covered in his and then look at his face.

"Bella…" he breathes, and squeezes my hand, "I hate fighting with you, you know that right?" He asks and I nod numbly. "I feel like something's wrong with my world when you are not speaking to me, and don't say you are, because we both know you are not. You are still mad at me." He finishes before I can even attempt to deny his reasoning.

I take a deep breath before talking, the smell of him clouding my senses. However, it's not enough to keep me from saying what I want to say.

"You're right. I'm still mad at you…But Edward, you need to understand, that guy at the party, the way you behaved? That wasn't you. You…you _scared _me. I've never thought I could be afraid of you, ever. So, please, let me…process everything, okay? Let me…come to terms with that disastrous evening." I tell him with as much conviction as I can manage. He may not know that what I need to _process _about Saturday night goes beyond his actions, but I could use the space.

I spent the entire day yesterday analyzing how Edward is present in every aspect of my life. It's not that I don't want him to, it's just that it hits me, it's all too much. Our friendship is too much, my feelings for him are too much, and our fake selves are too much. I need peace, I need to breathe. I need to figure out how to deal with everything and I have a feeling that I won't do that successfully if I don't put some space between us.

"I understand…I just…I don't want us to fight, and then stop being friends because I've been stupid." He says in a low voice. His hand is still covering mine and I take advantage of it to squeeze it like he did earlier.

He looks down at our hands then at me, and I smile timidly. "One fight is not going to make us stop being friends." I say with my smile still in place. He looks up at me shocked.

"One fight?" He almost screams at me, letting go of my hand to flail his arms around. "I feel like we've had our share of fights and then some! Do you have any idea how many fights we've had over the years? I feel like one of these days, we will have the last one." He says passionately. He looks so intense about this, that it makes me laugh out loud.

"You're right." I say when I stop laughing. "We've had a lot of fights…about silly things Edward. It's not a big deal. Relax, will you?" I tell him jokingly, slapping his arm lightly. He smiles at me and pushes my shoulder.

"Do you remember when you called me a giraffe in fifth grade? I was so mad at you." He says with a small smile on his face. I laugh and nod.

"I remember. You didn't talk to me the entire day after that. I had to give you my lunch the next day to get you to forgive me." I say when I stop laughing. He nods and smiles warmly at the memory.

"It was really difficult not talking to you for that long. I almost gave in when you apologized the third time." He says softly. "It's always been hard to resist you." He adds in a murmur, looking down at his hands. My heart races at his admission but I'm not sure what he means. I'm about to ask him exactly that when someone taps Edward's window.

_Perfect timing. _I think bitterly. Edward turns around, to tell Ben to wait up, and then turns to me.

"We should go." He tells me, grabbing his backpack from the back seat. He opens his door but before getting out of the car he talks to me. "We should meet tonight."

I stay silent for a few seconds before speaking. "I'm not sure we should." At least not tonight I think to myself. He looks devastated.

"Please." He says and his eyes are so damn perfect at this begging thing that I just nod at him. He smiles a great smile and steps out the car. After I get myself together, I get out as well, saying hi to Ben, Emmett and Alice who were all waiting for me to join them before walking towards the main building.

The first two periods are uneventful, except from being embarrassed by one of my teachers. He called me to answer a question in the exact moment I had spaced out. I managed not to snap at his lecture about paying attention. When the bell rang, I almost collapse with the door in my haste to get out. I want to find Peter before third period starts, but he's nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, Ali! Have you seen Withlock?" I ask Alice in front of her locker. She looks at me funny, as if she can tell something's up with me. She doesn't say anything about it, as usual.

"I saw him go out into the parking lot a few minutes ago." She answers me grabbing some books and fixing her hair in the little mirror she has glued to the inside of her locker. I'm confused as to why Peter is outside, but I don't have time to second guess myself, I just walk.

I stand outside, trying to be discrete about it. The last thing I need is for a teacher to think I'm skipping class or whatever. I manage to get outside without interruptions, the entire student body walking toward the other end of the school. I spot Peter leaning against a car, not visible to everyone but not exactly hiding either.

"Peter," I say standing in front of him, concealing myself behind a truck. "Can I talk to you for a second?" I ask him, watching him warily. He has his hands in his pocket and oozing confidence. It's like nothing fazes him. Everybody is inside, trying to get to their classes on time, while he's here, just…existing or something. _And looking like a super model. Can't forget that._

"I don't know Swan, _can _you?" He tells me, smirking at me. I just roll my eyes at him.

"Listen, I…" I start but his eyes are so deep and focused on me, that I feel myself growing warm inside. I'm also feeling self conscious and not at all determined to have this talk with him. "Um, It's…" I try again but fail, when he turns his head to the side expectantly. He raises his eyebrow at me, daring me to speak. I shake my head, trying to regain some IQ points and start again. "I just, I was just…um…"

"Wow…You weren't joking about the _can I _part. Did you lose your ability to speak or something?" He asks, shaking his head with a smile on his face. I feel a blush on my cheeks from acting like a moron in front of a good looking guy. I shake my head again, trying to get some sense back into me. I take a deep breath and start again.

"I just wanted to talk to you…about Saturday night." I manage in between big intakes of air.

"What about it?" Peter asks, not a single emotion displayed on his face.

"Are you—how did you—I mean-What are you-?" I stutter through all the questions I want to ask. Peter just lies back against the car, and crosses his arms in front of him.

"Are you going to talk like a normal person at some point during this conversation?" He asks me calmly.

"Trust me, I'm asking myself that same question." I mumble, fumbling with the sleeves of my blouse.

"Why are you so nervous anyway?" He asks with intense eyes. As if he'd really like to know the answer to that. "I mean, it's not like I'm Cullen, right?" He adds and my mouth goes dry. At that moment, all my blood rushes to my heart and I panic. I can't help it, I pour my heart out in a long ramble that leaves me breathless.

"Oh my God, Peter! You need to hear me out. It's not like that, Edward, I mean, Cullen and I, we're just friends…best friends actually. We've known each other forever….He's always been there for me, you know? And yes, I care for him, it's just…Nobody really understands our situation, it's…it's different, but you can't say anything, Peter. Please, you can't ever, _ever_, say anything to anyone. I would die. Please, please…"

Peter grabs my shoulders, startling me. I shut up abruptly, and look into his eyes.

"Jesus Christ, Swan. Calm the hell down." He tells me, and lets go of me. I stare at my feet, not knowing what to do. I'm aware I'm missing my third class, but I don't find it in me to actually care. "If I wanted to out you about your feelings for Edward, I would've done it already." He says after a minute of silence.

I look up to him. "How…how long have you know?" I ask softly.

"Since ninth grade." He answers coolly. I stare at him in shock. I didn't even know I had fallen for Edward at that time.

"But how? Why? Do I do something that shows it? Does everyone else notice it? How do you know?" I ask frantically, desperate to know how can I disguise my feelings better. Peter smiles a sad smile at me, and then snorts.

"Who the hell would notice? Everyone is too wrapped up in their own things to know this." He says. "I just happen to be a very good observer." He adds looking pleased with himself.

I give him a look that states I'm not happy with him, but that only seems to make him feel smug that he got that reaction out of me. I sigh tiredly, not sure what to do now. I wish I could be home, or hell, I wish I could be somewhere else. Somewhere far away where no one knew me, like Guatemala or something.

"Listen, Peter…I just don't want this to be some kind of thing in the school, you know?" I tell him half lying. What the other students think is the least of my problems. Tanya and Edward, and our little group are the problem. And if I had to narrow it down, I'm only concerned about Edward's reaction.

"Swan, I already told you, I'll stay quite. It's not a big deal." He shrugs. "I just don't understand why you would fall for that guy. I thought you were smarter than that." I look at him in shock, because I've never thought Peter gave a crap about anyone, much less me. And yet, here he is, completely aware of everything that goes on around him. "I guess he has his ways." He adds after he has started to walk away.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I yell after him, but he doesn't turn around.

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><p>"I can't believe you skipped third period!" Irina whispers passionately at me, while we are having lunch. Edward turns around and gives me a hard look. I pretend I didn't notice.<p>

"She was with Whitlock." Kate says looking at her nails. I turn my eyes to her in shock while the girls gasp around me.

"How did you-?" I start but she answers me before I finish.

"I have eyes in this school Izzy." She winks at me.

"OMG! All these days we've been pointing out guys to you and you had already your eyes on someone. Why didn't you tell us?" Tanya asks with what appears to be a genuine smile on her face.

I look around to the boy's table and I sigh in relieve when I see Peter is not there.

"Are you going with him to the dance?" Kate asks after I've ignored Tanya's last comment. Right, the stupid dance in a few weeks. I am not looking forward to that.

I'm glad Kate seems to be okay thinking Peter and I are on our way to something. The last thing I need is to be bitch slapped by her.

"I…um…I don't think so." I mutter, answering her question about the dance.

"Come on! Why not?" Irina asks.

"Because, um…I…" I start but get cut off by Edward, who forced his chair next to mine, and has his arm in the back of mine.

"Because she's going with me, right Swan?" He says looking down at me, asking me to play along.

The Blondie-Bunch stares at Edward and me with a skeptical look.

"Is that true?" Tanya asks, and while the question is posed for me, she's looking at Edward.

"Of course it's true. She promised we would go together and now she has to keep that promise." Edward continues talking as if I'm supposed to know what he's saying.

"Cullen, I don't remem…" I start talking in a low voice but he cuts me off before I can out him.

"It was years ago, we were talking about dances in high school and we promised we would go to together to this one s_pecifically_." He says giving me a look, not to contradict him.

"Yeah…I remember…I think." I state after a while, not very convincingly. What the hell is he doing? Does he want Tanya to hate me or something?

"You can't expect B to hold on to a promise that was made when you guys were little, right?" Irina asks in Tanya's behalf.

"I can and I will, she better come to this thing with me or else…Do you hear that Swan?" He says standing up and walking away. I just stay put in shock as to what in the world is going on.

"I'm so sorry cuz." Kate tells Tanya giving her hand a squeeze. Tanya wears a confused look on her face but then composes herself.

"It's okay. He's just trying to make me jealous anyway. Why else would he come to our table to have his little moment there?" She says confidently, and for some reason it makes me livid.

"We did make that promise, though…" I add timidly just to prove her wrong. _Such a liar._

"Sure you did." She tells me condescendingly while standing up. "I have a date already anyway, so his plan back fired." She adds giving me a perfect smile and motioning Irina and Kate to follow her just as the bell rings.

I stand up in a daze, still confused and wait for everyone to be outside the cafeteria to exit. I find Edward in the hallway, looking down at his cell phone with a frown. When he sees me standing a few feet away from him, he places his phone on his pocket and smiles at me.

"You're welcome." He tells me, stepping closer to me.

"What are you talking about? And what the hell was that in there?" I ask frustrated.

"What do you mean what was that? I just got you out of having to go to the dance with Whitlock. Again, you're welcome." He says walking in the direction of our class. I follow him quickly, my temper rising.

"Is that what this is about? Didn't it occur to you that I can take care of myself? Or that maybe I would like to go with Peter?" I spat at him, angry that he keeps taking the protecting thing too far. He turns around at my question, a look of shock and pain on his face. The shock I get, but the pain throws me back a bit.

"Do you? Want to go with him, that is." He asks softly. I shrug.

"Um, not really, but still, it would've been nice to have a choice." I answer honestly. It's not like Peter and I are the hot item of the month. It's not like something has happened anyway.

"I can't get anything right with you these days, can I?" Edward says frustrated, tugging his hair. "You don't have to go with me, okay? I'm sorry…again." He continues and starts walking to our classroom.

I half run towards him before he gets too far, and when I catch up with him, I punch him hard on his chest.

"Don't be an idiot, of course I'll go with you." I say passing him and entering towards the classroom.

The brilliant smile on his face when I look at him, makes me wonder just what is his true motive about asking me to the dance.

This should be interesting.

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><p><strong>As usual, I want to say thank you to everyone out there, reading, reviewing and everything.<strong>

** It means the world. To my friends supporting me through this, my gratefulness has no end.**

**Anyway, make me smile and review. Tell me what you think of this chapter. **

**I'm willing to answer questions, doubts, etc...**

_**Till next time, xo.**_


	7. Whatever Words I Say

**SM owns.**

**Mari, I heart you.**

**Please read A/N at the end.**

**Both the name of the chapter and the quote come from "Love Song" by The Cure.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 7: Whatever Words I Say<strong>

"_Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again."_

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><p>"So…are you really going to the dance with me?" Edward asks me as he sits down next to me on our black and white blanket. I roll my eyes at him, because he's asked me that question three times now.<p>

"Are you hoping I change my mind or something? Because if you changed your mind, you can tell me…" I trail off, feeling a hard pain inside me as I consider the thought.

He nudges me and scoots closer to me, his warmth invading my body and settling inside my soul.

"Of course not, Bella. I just…realized I went about it the wrong way. I should've asked you in a…nice way." He says scratching the back of his neck. I'm not sure if the slight pink on his ears it's because of the chilly night, or something else. I could swear he looks embarrassed.

"Relax, you thought you were doing me a favor, right? Isn't that why you're taking me?" I remind him. He doesn't need to do a grand gesture to ask me to the dance if he thinks he's just getting me out of having to go with Peter.

He stays quiet for a long time, gazing at the few stars grazing the sky tonight. I allow myself to watch his profile; his strong jaw line, his nose, the swell of his cheeks. I bite my lip, repressing a sigh. Why is he so good looking? Why am I so affected by him? Is this just because I'm a girl and he's a boy and this is the natural reaction? Or is it because it's _him? _

I've seen the way girls look at him so I know it's just not me.

"Stop watching me, Bella. It's creepy." He says without looking at me, but I know he's smiling. I look down at my hands hoping to disguise the blush creeping to my cheeks.

"Whatever, freak." I joke with him, nudging him like he did earlier.

"I'm too handsome to be called a freak, you know? Take it back." He tells me with mirth written all over his face. I laugh at his cockiness and push him away before standing up, ready to play.

"Never!" I say before starting to run. He chases me whisper-shouting some names at me. I run, but my body is not into it. I want him to catch me. Other times, when I've felt competitive, I give a fair fight and I've ran so fast and so much that he gives up. But it's been a while since we've played around like we used to. Things are so complicated now.

So tonight, letting go of my apprehensions about our friendship and my feelings for him, I let him catch me. When his body collides with mine, I feel like flying from that contact alone. We fall to the grass in a heap of tangled limbs and I can't help to think back to all those romantic movies where fighting and tickling turns into…more.

He's tickling me and I can't stop laughing, and when it gets too much I try to fight him off. He grabs both of my hands, pins them beside my head, and that's when my laughter stops. Just like the movies.

He stops laughing and his green eyes flicker with something more that amusement. I've never seen it before. I can't catch my breath but it's not from laughing. My heart is beating so fast but it's not from the running. It's all him and his closeness. It's him and his full pink lips a few inches away from mine. It's him and his body on top of mine.

His face is so serious as he gazes down at me. I can't break our stare despite the fact it's too much. I can feel him looking inside my soul and tearing me apart. I can feel him undressing my heart with the force of his stare.

Seconds, minutes, or hours may have passed and neither of us moves. His grip on my wrists is loose, but I don't try to stand up. I'm waiting for him to make the move, and when he does, it's not like the movies. He stands up and says we should go home for the night.

It's after midnight when I realize he didn't answer my question about the dance.

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><p>The rest of the week goes by uneventful, except for cheerleading practice when Tanya seems to think I'm supposed to be made out of rubber. She pushes me harder than all our teammates and when I asked her why yesterday, she claimed it was because I had potential. <em>Yeah, right. This has nothing to do with Edward taking me instead of her to the dance.<em>

In reality, it's been an okay week. Considering the exclamation point moment in Edward's backyard earlier in the week, things haven't been awkward at all between us. I've been hanging out with him and Rosalie, helping him out with the college stuff. It makes me happy to see him trying to pursue his true passion.

I've always known I'll be studying literature when I graduate high school. I haven't decided where, but I have a pretty summed up list taped to a wall on my room. Ever since I started high school, I've always known my future is away from this place. That much I know. Edward on the other hand, has always been hiding behind his father's shadow. He's insecure about making a life on his own, trying something new, stepping out of what his family expects him to be.

I'm glad he seems to be reconsidering. I wonder what changed, but I haven't had the chance to question him. Besides, I'm afraid he'll get scared again and go back to Future Doctor Cullen Jr. Mode. _We definitely don't want that._

"Do you have a dress, B?" Alice asks me, on our way home. She's riding with Edward and me because Emmett was going to Rosalie's to…yeah.

"Um…I must have something in my closet." I answer lamely and I see Edward with a small smile as I answer.

"Something in your closet?" Alice exclaims on the back seat, startling both Edward and me. "As in, something you've already _worn?" _She spats the last word like it's a dirty one and I want to die. Thank God it's just us. The Blondie Bunch would've disown me.

"Edward, as soon as we get to our home, you're stepping out of this car, and I'm driving Bella to the mall." She says in her no-nonsense voice. Edward looks at me, gauging my reaction and I give him a small nod. It's not like I can get out of this now. Besides, I'm not even sure I _have _a dress to wear tomorrow night.

We get to the Cullen's house and Alice jumps out of the car, running inside, claiming she needs to pick something up before leaving.

Edward turns to face me in his seat and I mirror his position. He looks nervous.

"You know you don't have to…you know…let her drag you into this." He says, dragging his hand through his hair, mesmerizing me in the process. "What I mean is I'm sure you'll…figure something out. I mean, I'm sure you'll…look, um, good, either way." He says and I think I hear him curse at the end. Why was that so difficult for him to say? Is it really impossible for him to see me as beautiful or pretty or something?

My stomach, chest ,and head hurt all of a sudden. I give him a nod, just before Alice opens his door, pulls him out of the car, and gets inside. He waves me goodbye, and gives me a sad smile.

I don't return either.

Minutes later, while Alice is driving like a crazy person, my cell phone chirps with an incoming text.

_Is everything okay? _Edward's text reads.

I sigh.

"Is that my stupid brother?" Alice asks without taking her eyes of the road.

"Yeah," I answer, while I rack my brain for something to reply to Edward.

"Ugh, can't he just leave you alone for like, two hours? Give me that." She says, taking the phone from my frozen hands. She throws it to the backseat and gives me a look. I just shrug. I didn't know what to say to him, because everything is definitely not okay.

I'm not okay.

Not with him taking me to the dance thinking it's a favor to me. Not with him having so much trouble saying a real compliment to my appearance. Not with him hurting my feelings over and over again without realizing.

For a moment I let myself wonder what would happen if I told him. If I sat down with him one day and told him "Hey, I'm in love with you. Let's hook up." How much would things change for us? On my side, things changed so long ago. I'm stuck on the awkward, suffering, constant second-guessing side. In the meantime, he gets to enjoy the happy, oblivious and unassuming side, enjoying our friendship much more than I.

Maybe I should tell him so I could drag him to my side of misery. Things would be awkward for the both of us and I wouldn't have to feel so much like a fool. If we remained friends, he would have to watch his words and his actions before talking to me, because there would be different feelings involved. He would hate it, not being able to be who he truly is, with the only person that has ever known the real him. It's kind of like how I am. Showing him only a part of myself and holding back the other.

Yeah, telling him out of spite sounds like a very good idea. Except, the problem when you love someone, honestly love someone, you don't want them to suffer. I wouldn't be able to deliberately cause harm to Edward. Not with the way I feel about him. And even if I wasn't in love with him, I wouldn't have it in me to hurt him. After everything he's done for me. After all the tears he's cleaned from my face. After all the sacrifices he's made over the years for me, for our friendship.

I can't tell him just to hurt him. I love him too damn much for that.

_And of course there's the fact that you are a huge ass coward. _

Of course, can't forget that.

…

Alice picks a long dress for me to wear. It's much more elegant than what I would've picked for a dance on Forks, but I didn't have much say in the matter. After eating some junk food that Alice swears is bad karma for her figure, we go back home.

She parks in front of my house, and turns off the engine. For a minute I panic thinking she's going to come inside my house, and I'll have to spend more time talking about clothes, but she just turns to me on her seat. I mirror her position, waiting for her to speak. When she doesn't, I do.

"Thank you, Ali." I tell her with a real smile because I am grateful for everything she does for me.

"Don't mention it. My brother is going to lose his shit when he sees you tomorrow night." She says excitedly.

"I don't really think so." I tell her, trying not to show how much that hurts. She shakes her head.

"You and Edward may be best friends and all, but he's still a guy. Trust me." She says, winking at me, and turning the engine back on. I assume our conversation is over, so I say my goodbyes, retrieve the shopping bags, and step out of the car.

The house is empty, as usual, but there's a weird feeling inside me that I'm not alone. There's a presence, something that makes my hair stand on end.

I go upstairs slowly, looking behind me every two seconds. I feel my heart on my ears ringing from thumping so fast. I consider turning back and calling my dad, but I refrain.

I open my bedroom door carefully, and the room slowly reveals Edward lying on my bed. He's resting most of his weight against the bed frame, and has his legs crossed. He has a book on his hands.

"Hi," I tell him tentatively, closing the door behind me. He looks up to me, his green eyes intense, as usual. "You're…here." I state the obvious.

"You're back." He breathes, closing the book.

"It appears so." I say stepping farther into the room.

"You didn't answer my text." He accuses after a few seconds of silence.

"Alice…intercepted my phone." I half lie to him.

"I…thought you were mad at me." He tells me, scooting to a side of my bed and motioning for me to sit down next to him. After a bit of debate with myself, I join him.

"You're always thinking I'm mad at you." I say after I've sat down.

"Because, lately it feels like you always are." He says and I let that sentence hang in the air. I don't reply.

"What were you reading?" I ask, searching for the book.

"Water for Elephants, I was feeling like depressing myself." He says with mirth.

I scoff. "That's not a depressing book."

"But it is. It's about this man who's so in love with someone he can't have; someone who is unattainable for him. Imagine how hard it is for him to watch her every day, be close to her every day, talk to her every day, but not watching her the way he wants to, not being as close to her as he would want to, not saying the things he really wants to say. It must be torture. It has to be." He argues, and I see his point. I see it completely.

"But I guess you wouldn't know…since you've never even been in love." He adds, staring at me, daring me to deny him. For a moment I consider outing myself right here, right now.

"I guess not." I say eventually.

His eyes burn with emotions, and I could swear I see disappointment.

"But it's better that way. I don't think none of the fuckers around here are good enough for you." He tells me winking at me, and playing with the book on his hands. I smile lightly, not knowing how to respond to that.

"I still can't believe you got it on with Mike…Ugh, that's disgusting." He shudders and makes a face.

"Right, because you "getting it on" with half the student body is any different…" I accuse him bitterly.

"Um…no, but…" He shrugs.

I roll my eyes, before muttering "whatever" and standing up, walking around the bed to put some space between us.

"I shouldn't have said anything. You're mad again." He stands up, running his hand through his hair, looking at me apologetically.

"I'm not mad." I lie. "But you shouldn't have said anything. I don't control who you sleep around with, just like you can't control who I sleep with." I add in a firm voice. He nods and stays silent for a few seconds after that.

"So, you and Peter…?" He sort of asks out of nowhere.

"Nothing's going on with me and Peter, Edward." I sigh, then add, "But even if it were…"

"I know, I know…none of my business." He says with annoyance. "I'm gunna take off, okay?" He climbs out of the window without waiting for my reply.

_That ended well__._

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><p>Getting ready for the dance is easier than I thought. Alice didn't come over, and I decided to stay home and pep talk my way into this night. The last social event I went to ended up being a disaster, that can't happen tonight.<p>

I need to remain in control. I need to remain collected. I guess being able to get ready without Alice's help is part of my process of being in control.

I do my makeup and my hair with no problem whatsoever. I look in the mirror and I'm happy with the result. I look the part. My fake self stares back at me with long eyelashes, and soft blushed cheeks. I'm not Bella anymore.

I put on my dress, carefully, its soft fabric hugging my body with the most delicate touch. It makes me want to vomit. Alice chose a soft pink long dress, with a heart shaped form. It accentuates my waist and falls freely, softly down my body with a long slit on my leg.

My hair is down with the slightest curls at the end, and my shoes are sinfully high.

I stare at my reflection for what feels like forever, and tears threaten to come out. I feel like a joke. Again. I try taking deep breaths, but it's doing nothing to my resolve. I decide to text Edward.

_Is it too late to change my mind?_

_**Don't you dare, I'm already outside, come down. ;) **_He replies.

In the time that it takes me to take my keys, he enters the house. I feel it the minute he does. Not because I hear the kitchen door or his strong steps, but because I just know.

I come down the stairs, slowly, trying not to step onto my dress. Before I make it fully to the living room, Edward places himself in my line of sight. He's wearing a black suit, and a light cream shirt underneath. His eyes are the softest green, and when he finally looks up at me, I hear his intake of breath.

His mouth is hanging open, and my heart is dancing inside my chest. I smile the tiniest bit at his reaction.

"Bella," he breathes, taking my hand in his when I walk the final step. "You look," he takes a deep breath, "just…damn, you're…wow." He finally manages.

Apparently Alice was right. Edward just lost his shit. Because of me. I soar. I giggle. He laughs.

It feels amazing.

"My shoes are killing me." I finally add, like a moron. But Edward looks down to my exposed leg and shoe and his eyes darken. And that expression right there, that look that burns my insides with its intensity, makes all of this worth it.

"You can always take them off later." He murmurs quietly, _seductively. _I gulp.

"Um, are we ready to go?" I ask, fidgeting. He looks up at me abruptly, startled. His ears pink a little and he stutters a quiet yes.

The ride to school it's fun and light and it makes me remember why I'm friends with Edward in the first place. He has a flask of something in his jacket, but refuses to let me take a sip. He doesn't want a repeat performance of Tyler's party. I sulk and pout until he gives in.

"Just a sip, Bella Swan." He reprimands jokingly. I take the flask from his hands, wink at him and take a long, long sip. My chest burns, but it feels amazing. I take another.

"Holy shit, Swan, that was _not _a sip." He says taking the flask from my hands, smiling and drinking a long sip himself. I shrug.

"I'm going to need that if you want me to put up with this dance crap for the entire night." I say, remembering what's waiting for us on school. He playfully pushes my shoulder.

"You know, lots of girls would die to be in your shoes. Attending the first dance with the smoking hot Edward Cullen." He jokes, making faces, imitating the high pitched voice of the girls in school. I roll my eyes at his cockiness while my inner voice agrees with him.

"Who's to say guys wouldn't die to be in _your _shoes Cullen?" I ask with false confident and full of mirth. He stays silent for a bit, looking at me in that intense way he does. He shakes his head.

"You have no fucking idea, Bella."

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><p><strong>There you have it my lovelies. <strong>

**Please review, and while we're at it, thanks for reading! You guys make my life a bit better with your attention.**

**Feel free to ask anything, of course.**

**The link to Bella's dress is going to be on the next chapter, okay? okay.**

**Lots of hugs your way.**

**_Till next time, xo_  
><strong>


	8. What Could Have Been

**Hey there, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE read A/N at the end.**

**You know the deal, SM owns.**

**Mari, thank you for forcing me to write, you know what I mean ;)**

**I love you like strawberry cheesecake. xx**

**This chapter is dedicated to my_ "Bruja" . _You are a real pain in the ass, but I love you. **

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><p><strong>Chapter 8: What Could Have Been.<strong>

"_Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it?"_

_Neil Gaiman. ~_

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><p>We arrive to school and the parking lot is full with cars. I can hear the music loud and clear. I can also feel the dynamic between Edward and I changing. I'm already uncomfortable and the two little sips of alcohol in my system are not enough to relax me.<p>

Edward's face is serious, and his jaw is set. He looks frustrated. Maybe he caught up to the fact that we have quite the night ahead of us. I don't know. He parks really far away from the building and I mentally curse him. Didn't he see the shoes I'm wearing?

When he's parked and the engine is turned off, he gets out of the car and opens my door. It feels…odd, but nice. I smile and thank him. His expression softens. _Bipolar much? _

"Why did you take me to the dance?" I ask him while we walk hand in hand. He looks startled by my question. "Don't look at me like that. I know I wasn't your first choice."

"What makes you think you weren't?" He mutters, looking down at his feet.

"Was I?" I question him softly, searching his eyes while trying to calm my erratic heart.

"Izzy! O-M-G look at you!" Alice screams from the entrance making her way to us and hugging the shit out of me when she arrives to us. Edward looks annoyed again. I pretend to be happy to see Alice. She buys it.

"You look _so _pretty. Did you tell her E? Did you tell her she looks _pretty_?" Alice asks nudging Edward and giving him funny looks. He looks like he could kill her. Alice laughs loudly before hooking her arm around mine and tugging me inside. "Come on, B, we need to take pictures!"

I look back at Edward and he gives me an apologetic look. It's going to be long night.

The gym is serving as our dance room tonight. It's decorated in earth colors; I think the theme is autumn or something like that. There are fake leaves hanging from the ceiling, and dark orange trees painted on the walls. There's a small stage on the far away part of the gym, where the basketball hoop usually is. The stage is made of fake grass. Overall, it's just another high school dance. Nothing extraordinary.

On the sides are small round tables, covered in more fake leaves, and a large square one that's filled with punch and stuff. I wonder whose idea was it to have the tables. It's expensive to rent this stuff. I'm sure it was Tanya's.

I don't pay attention to the decorations, because it really doesn't make a difference to me.

I still don't want to be here.

I still have to just play my part. And that's exactly what I do.

I smile.

I giggle.

I take stupid pictures with even more stupid poses.

I retouch my makeup.

I silly dance in a circle and sing silly pop songs.

I don't complain about my shoes.

I don't fidget inside this dress.

I am the perfect friend to the girls. At least for Tanya and Alice, I haven't seen Kate and Irina.

"Managed to get away?" Edward asks me, sitting down next to me, on our table. He has a plastic cup, that is supposed to be punch, but I can smell the alcohol coming from him.

"Yeah. I said I spent too many hours fixing my hair to get it all sweaty by dancing…which is sort of true anyway. It took me _forever _to get my hair this sleek." I say while rubbing my ankle ungraciously. My feet are killing me.

"It looks…nice." He tells me, before taking a sip of his drink. He eyes my exposed leg, and takes another drink. "But I like the curls better." He winks, and I smile softly, savoring his compliment.

The loud, sickly sweet music changes to a slow one and people start to pair up. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I can sit this one down too.

Except, Edward has other plans, and when I look to the side at him, he's standing, offering me his hand. I look at him for a few seconds, before I place my hand in his and stand up.

We stay away from the crowd, while he places his hands on my waist. He's close, so close, and I am so dying. He smiles softly, while the song allows us to sway.

_For fear of what you might do, I say nothing, but stare at you. And I'm dreaming, I'm tripping over you…_

My heart soars and my insides turn to mush, while he moves us expertly in a small circle. He pulls me closer and holds me tighter. I manage to get my heart under control, before exploding into million tiny pieces of hormones on fire.

I rest my head on his shoulder and feel him take a deep breath.

_...Truth be told, my problems solved, you mean the world to me but you'll never know. _

_You could be cruel to me, while we're risking the way, that I see you…_

…_That I see you, that I see you._

I want to ask him what song is playing, I'm sure he knows, but I don't want to disturb our moment.

It's so peaceful inside this bubble we've created. There are no fights, no questions, no second guessing, no fakeness, no lies, no Tanya, no broken hearts, no broken friendships, no sour taste, no confusion, no insecurity.

It's just us.

I want to cry happy tears while he holds me to his chest. We've never danced this close before. A song has never meant so much, a dance has never been so perfect, his presence has never been more powerful.

I didn't know that I could enjoy something tonight, but Edward has managed to prove me wrong. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know. It doesn't matter that he's not feeling the same that I do. When I look back to this night, this is the only thing I'll remember.

The song ends and Edward keeps me in his arms for a few seconds more. He kisses the top of my head, and I can't help but looking up at him. His eyes are soft, calm, liquid green, full of emotion.

"Why did you take me to the dance Edward?" I ask him softly.

He closes his eyes and backs away slowly from me, but still holding me by the waist.

"I…I just…" He starts, but we get pushed by the others students around us, everybody is rushing towards the stage, and they don't care who's on their way.

Homecoming queen and king time. Amazing.

Edward and I try to stay close, holding our hands but someone pulls him away from my grasp. I think he's nominated or something and he's supposed to be on stage.

_The bubble fucking burst._

I let people push me and stay behind while everybody gathers around the stage.

Alice, Rosalie and Tanya are already placed beside our principal. Jasper, Emmett and now Edward are on the other side.

Alice looks amazing in a pink flirty dress, filled with ruffles. I wish she would win. I know she won't.

Rosalie and Tanya are both wearing red dresses. I heard Tanya huffing about how Rosalie is _totally _imitating her. I almost died trying to stop my eye roll.

Our Principal gives a long unnecessary speech about God knows what, before announcing Homecoming King.

"Your Homecoming King is…Emmett Cullen!" He yells into the microphone after people started booing him out of the stage. People go crazy, yelling for Emmett and he entertains the crowd by kissing his muscles.

I'm not surprise Emmett won. He's a people person. He's nice, funny, goofy and a very good football player. It's not a coincidence he won. I'm a bit surprised Edward didn't won, though. I mean, he's not as charismatic as Emmett, but girls are crazy over him. Besides, Tanya is going to win, and they're supposed to do the King and Queen dance or whatever.

I'm guess they won't be able to do that now. I'm glad.

"Mr. Cullen, calm down." Mr. Something, tells him before pushing Emmett behind him. "And now…your Homecoming Queen is…Rosalie Hale!" The mixed feelings inside the room are clear. I hear some shocked gasps, while some people cheer Rosalie on.

I look up and see her walking elegantly across the stage to get her crown. Emmett is whistling, clapping, cheering her and she just smugly blow kisses the student body. We are all in awe of her.

Honestly, Rosalie is rocking that blood red dress much better than Tanya. I smile and clap my hands at Rosalie and Emmett while they position themselves in the middle of the room.

I look up to the stage and Edward is already out of sight. Alice and Jasper are hugging each other, while walking down the platform. Tanya is currently stomping her way across the gym, pushing everybody out of her way. I see the annoyed look on her face and I smile so big I fear my face is going to break. _I'm such a mean person. _

"You are a really mean person, Isabella Swan." _Wait, what? _A smooth voice tells me in my ear, making me jump. I turn around hastily, stumbling. Peter catches me, holding my body close to his chest.

"Peter," I breathe, surprised to even see him here. "Wh- how—You..." I stutter, trying to think why he said what he said.

"Are you going to be a stuttering mess every time you talk to me now?" He asks with a smirk still in place, pressing my body closer to his. I can't deny the reaction I get from it. My heart thumps faster and my skin flushes slightly. I'm not immune to his proximity.

I just shake my head. He is still holding me close but I'm not comfortable in his embrace. I don't know what to make of this guy. I don't understand him.

"You're tense. Relax, just dance with me." He tells me rocking our body to the slow song that's been playing for a while now. I feel my body fighting against his lead but after a few intakes of breath, I slowly melt in his arms.

I look at him unashamedly, trying to figure him out, trying to find something, anything in his gray eyes. For the moment, I just see amusement.

"You're happy your best friend didn't win, huh?" He says all of a sudden, before spinning me in a circle that doesn't fit the song.

"I don't care about that stuff, and Edward seemed fine with not winning so…" I trail off, distancing myself from his body. The heat coming out of him feels too good. It scares me. He snorts.

"I was being sarcastic Swan. I'm talking about Tanya. What? Isn't she your _best _friend?" He says dryly.

"Peter…" I plead with my eyes for him not to do this. He knows about my feelings for Edward. But I don't want him to know my feelings about everything. Even though I'm almost sure he knows.

"It's okay, Swan. Just dance, yes?" He tells me with what seems to be a genuine smile. I smile softly back at him, and keep on dancing. He spins me around again, and I laugh because we must look really awkward together.

"Those two spins have been completely out of rhythm Peter." I tell him when I'm facing his body once again. He shrugs.

"Who cares? Is someone going to come up and tell us that? Is there a rhythm police here tonight that I don't know about?" He smugly asks me.

"They might not come to tell us, but they think it." I mutter, looking down at our uncoordinated feet.

"Again…who cares? Besides, you don't know that for sure. Never pretend to know people completely. They might surprise you." He tells me all serious looking, with piercing eyes, before spinning me again.

I yelp, and he laughs out loud. It makes me smile.

* * *

><p>"Do you want to get out of here?" Peter asks me after our not-so-bad-after-all-dance. We're standing close to the door, and close to each other. The music is loud and obnoxious again, so we have to shout in each other's ears to talk. He takes advantage of it, and places his hand on my back every time.<p>

I shrug in response to his question, not really knowing what to do. I haven't seen Edward since we separated a while ago, and I think I should look for him. _You shouldn't, but you want to._

I roll my eyes at myself. Whatever, should, want, it's all the same.

"Text Cullen goodbye, and come take a ride with me." Peter whisper-shouts in my ear, sensing my apprehension about leaving with him.

I don't know why he's doing this. Why is he interested in me all of a sudden? Why does he want to spend time with me at all? Why isn't he telling everyone I'm in love with Edward? I don't get him at all. He makes me curious. He makes me want to figure him out. It scares the crap out of me.

At the same time, I know how my body responds to his touch and closeness. I know that I could surrender to that, if only for a minute, for a couple of hours, for a night.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea." I yell at Peter, because I don't.

"Do whatever Swan, I'll be outside." He says in a controlled voice and walks away. I start my search for Edward inside the gym, without success.

I try his cell phone but it sends me to voice mail. I go to the nearest bathrooms, but they're all deserted. I start to get a bit desperate, asking random people as I encounter them, if they'd seen him.

I don't know why I want to find him so bad. Is it to tell him I'll leave with Peter? Is it because I want him to stop me? Why am I all of a sudden so interested in finding him?

I start walking the hallways that are supposed to be off limits tonight. There's a classroom with the lights on. I have a feeling Edward is there.

The door is slightly ajar, and it leaves me the perfect view of what's going on.

Edward has Tanya on top of the desk. Her legs are wrapped around his waist. Her dress is scrunched up. His jacket is tossed on the floor carelessly, there's desperation in their touch. It's what I imagine angry sex looks like, or make up sex in this case.

I turn around hastily, not being able to see any more of it. My abrupt movement causes the door to shut making a loud sound. I start walking down the hallway quickly, almost running back to the gym. I hear the door open and I feel Edward's steps behind me.

I can't deal with him right now.

"Bella!" He shouts hot on my heels. I stop before I get to the gym remembering Peter's words about being outside. I'm going in the wrong direction. Fuck.

I take a deep breath and turn around to face him. He's trying to catch his breaths, holding a hand over his chest.

His shirt is rumpled, his hair is a bigger mess than usual and his lips are swollen. I cringe at it. He tries to talk and I know he's going to say some stupid explanation about ditching me. I don't let him.

"I was looking for you. I'm leaving with Peter." I say with fake enthusiasm in my voice. As if the sight of him all sexed up at the hands of Tanya is not killing me inside. He looks at me with confusion, dragging a hand through his hair.

"What?" He says surprised. "He's driving you home?" He asks in calmer tone.

I shrug.

"My home, his home…somewhere else, don't know yet." I lie checking my nails, before smiling at him sweetly.

"Bella…" He starts in a pleading voice. He doesn't like this. I can tell. The thing is, seeing him with her, for what has to be the hundredth time, gave me strength. The sight of him right now, is disgusting to me. It's like he doesn't even have the will to resist her. It's like it doesn't even matter he was supposed to be my date tonight. He didn't care where I was. I guess he will always choose her over me.

So I stop him mid sentence again.

"What Edward?" I spat forcefully. He flinches at my tone and grabs his hair again.

"Um…nothing. Just…be careful, okay?" He says looking at me with soft eyes. I hate him. In that moment I hate him. He didn't say what I wanted him to say. He's not going to stop me from leaving with Peter. I take long and even breaths to stop my tears from falling. I close my eyes and try to get a hold of my emotions. If only for a little more time.

"Of course. I'm sure Peter can take care of me." I say after I reopen my eyes, just a bit calmer than before. He looks up at me with anger in his face. I raise an eyebrow, taunting him. I don't know if this is having the effect on him I'm looking for. However, I'll take his anger. Anger means he cares. Right?

"Anyway, he's waiting outside. Bye." I say before walking past him, leaving the gym, the dance, and him, behind.

I think he said something, but I didn't stand around to hear.

I pray that Peter is still outside.

When I get to the parking lot, I realized lots of people have already left. There aren't as many cars as before. I don't see Peter anywhere.

I start to panic. If Peter is not here, I don't know how I'm going to get home. My tears are finally falling freely from my eyes. I wipe them away furiously, angry at myself for being weak. I don't know how long I stand on the steps of the main building, facing the parking lot, watching cars go.

I'm almost ready to start walking back home in the chilly night, when a familiar black car stops right in front of me. I see Peter and I don't think I've ever been more relieved in my entire life.

I almost run to the car. He opens the passenger door from inside, before I make it and I jump inside the car.

My tears are still flowing down my face but I don't wipe them away. Peter hesitates to move the car and faces me. I see his pity out of the corner of my eyes.

"Don't say anything. Just drive." I say through clenched teeth. He nods and drives out of the school parking lot. Minutes later, we passed both mine and Edward's house.

I relax against the leather seat.

I don't know why Peter is being nice to me.

I don't know where we're going.

And for once, I don't care.

I'm done choosing Edward when he refuses to choose me.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, this is going to be a LONG AN but please read it.**

**1- The song Edward and Bella dance to is I See You by Mika, one of my personal favorites. Listen to it, it's beautiful.**

**2- As promised, the link to Bella's, Alice's, Rosalie's and Tanya's outfit is here: www . polyvore . com /cgi/set?id=47766607&.locale=es**

**3-I'm still in shock by the response to last chapter. Lost of people adding me on alert, favorites, and stuff, and a couple**

**of long passionate reviews that made me smile so big I thought I was going to break my face. Honestly, I still can't believe you guys actually like my story**

**and are willing to wait and see what I do with these two. Shout out to jmeec316 who left me a very, very kind review, that I've re-read a bunch of times. Thanks for making me feel like my writing is worth it. All of you guys, thank you, thank you so much.  
><strong>

**4- Last but not least, You liked this one? Let me know. Review. :) **

_**Till next time,xo**_


	9. Hours to Let Go

**Hey there, you guys know the deal, SM owns.**

**As usual, thanks to Mari, she forces me to put clothes on people. **

**You'd be reading naked Edward and Bella all the time if it weren't for her.**

**Read A/N at the end.**

**Enjoy**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9: Hours to Let Go.<strong>

_"I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, _

_those who keep silence hurt more."_

_C.S. Lewis.~_

* * *

><p>"Aren't you going to ask where are we going?" Peter asks me with a confused look on his face, slowing his driving.<p>

I wipe my tears and shrug. "Aren't you going to ask why I'm crying?" I counter. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Do you want to tell me?" He asks and I shake my head. "I have a good guess." He adds.

"Whatever…" I mutter.

We drive for a long while and I feel like we're going in circles, but I won't ask. I don't want to worry myself with stuff like that. I just want to…be. I guess. I suppose my perfect dance with Edward won't be the thing I remember when I look back to this night. I sigh.

"If you sigh one more goddamn time, Swan…" Peter snaps at me, shaking his head with a scowl on his face. I flinch at his hard tone and bury myself in the passenger seat.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just…it's pissing me off seeing you like this." He says after a while. I nod and stay silent. "Come on, Swan, shake it up. You're a strong girl." I nod again and smile a tiny, appreciative smile at him.

"No questions for me tonight? I figured the next time you were alone with me, you were going to ambush me with them." He tells me after a couple of silent minutes. I snicker, but don't say anything.

He stops trying.

"We're here." He says after a while, turning off the engine. I look up to see a small house in the middle of nowhere. It looks like one of those haunted houses, abandoned, uncared for. I stay inside the car, while Peter steps out and walks to the dirty porch.

When he gets to the door, he turns around and sees me sitting still inside his car. He sighs and goes back to me. He opens my door and gives me his hand. I stay put.

"What is this place Peter?" I ask him, wrapping my arms around me. It's really cold outside.

"What? Now you want to ask questions? It's a little late for that." He replies as cryptic as usual. I'm starting to wonder if this was a good idea. He sees the worry in my face and lowers himself to the ground. He kneels in front of me.

"Listen, this is not exactly the safest place to stand outside and chat, so I recommend you to come inside with me." He says in a hard tone and with a serious face, before standing up. I shakily place one foot on the ground. Peter is watching me with amusement. It annoys me.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me where we are." I defy him once I'm outside the car, crossing my arms around my chest again.

He eyes my breasts.

I drop my arms.

He smirks.

I huff and turn around to face the car.

"Just come the hell inside Swan. Fuck, are you always this difficult?"

I turn around to glare at him. He stares back at me. I huff and turn my back to him again.

"You're taking your shit out with the wrong person. Just tell me if you want me to drive you back to your precious little Cullen friend and call it a night." He says drily. I face him again.

"Please don't." I mumble. He offers me his hand and without putting up a fight, I take it.

We enter the ratty old house and Peter flicks a light on. The insides of this place are not what I expected. The walls are painted a soft cream, the floors are carpeted in white, and the couches in the living room are plum and sky blue. It looks like a sanctuary.

The kitchen is still dark, but I can't make out any signs of dirty dishes. If anything, I can almost see the glow of some metal utensils.

What is this place?

Is this Peter's house?

"I don't live here, if that's what you're thinking." He says, taking off his jacket and placing it in a nearby hanger. "This is my grandmother's -was…she left it to me. My parents don't know I've kept it like this." He adds, moving to the kitchen, turning more lights on.

I was right, no dirty dishes.

Then, he goes to the narrow hallway, flicks another light on, and comes back to the living room. He looks at me, before sitting down in the biggest couch, facing me.

Being here feels weird. This place is obviously some kind of a secret, some kind of special place for him, and he brought me here. Why? Is this some kind of trade? He knows my secret so now I know his?

He pats the spot next to him on the couch. I look at it for a long time, before going to him. I plop down with a big sigh. His arm is immediately wrapped around my back.

"What did I say about you sighing again, Swan?" He murmurs in my ear. I shiver and very slowly turn to face him. We're so close now. I can feel his breath on my face. His eyes are deep and hooded. I know what's happening.

He inches even closer to me, placing his other arm on my waist, holding me tighter. My heart is beating out of my chest, and before I have time to over think it, Peter's lips crash against mine.

It's been so long since I've kissed anyone, sober or otherwise, but Peter's kiss is so…different. He's passionate, strong and raw. He's attacking my mouth in the best kind of way and I can't stop myself from responding. I wrap my arms around his neck, and join him on the fight. He groans hot and sexy to my movement. I kiss him a little deeper. I claw my hands at him a little harder.

He meets my reactions one by one, giving me exactly what I give him.

I can't breathe well, but I don't care.

It feels good. And when he pushes me on my back so that he's on top of me, it feels even better.

It's exactly what I need.

I just need to surrender to this feeling of being wanted.

For a few minutes.

For a few hours.

For a night.

"I'm not having sex with you." I blurt all of a sudden, while his lips move to my neck. _Where the hell did that come from you stupid girl? _

Peter stops kissing my neck and looks down at me, chuckling.

"Good, because I'm not having sex with you either."

"What?" I question, shocked, pushing him off of me. We sit up, facing each other and I look at him confused. He looks back at me more confused than me.

"Did you think I was going to have sex with you while you're all sad and broken? And because of Cullen of all people? No way…" He answers, shaking his head.

"Then why did you bring me here?" I mutter, feeling rejected, again, even though I rejected him first.

"You needed to feel better." He shrugs. I just nod. He slowly starts crawling on top of me, pushing me on my back again. He bites my ear before whispering, "And we don't need to have sex for you to feel good."

Peter is a genius.

* * *

><p>I wake up to an empty bed and cold sheets that feel foreign under my skin. It takes me a minute to remember what happened the night before, but the memories come back to me slowly. Edward and Tanya on top of that desk is the first that pops to mind. Peter's magic fingers are a close second.<p>

I'm glad we only fooled around last night, or I think I'd be regretting things this morning. I may be done with Edward and his obvious ignorance to me, but I'm not about to jump to someone else's bed to forget about him. I like to think I'm better than that. Peter was a nice distraction, though. I can't deny it.

I get up from the small bed and make my way to the adjacent bathroom, wondering idly, where Peter is. I splash my face and rinse my mouth with water and study my reflection in the mirror. My hair is nothing but rebellious tangles and my cheeks are naturally flushed; I feel more like myself. I look down at my modest white underwear and rack my brain for something to wear. I can't do the walk of shame back to my place wearing last night's clothes.

I hear movement outside the door and rush to open it.

"Hey…" Peter greets me with cautious eyes and a bare chest. He has a black concert t-shirt and basketball shorts on his hands.

"Hi." I say looking between a spot on the wall behind him and his face. I feel extremely shy right now, standing in just my underwear in front of him. I'm once again glad things didn't go that far last night.

"I thought you would want something to wear." He tells me, handing me his clothes. I sigh with relief, not only because of this small but thoughtful gesture, but because of all the small things he's done for me so far.

I can't contain the urge to hug him that strikes me. So I do. I launch myself into his unsuspecting body and wrap my arms around his waist. I wasn't going to hug him, thinking it'd be weird, but considering where our hands have been, I just did it.

Peter doesn't waste a second and envelopes me in his strong arms. I chant a bunch of "thank yous" to his chest and he kisses the top of my hair in return, chuckling at my behavior.

"Has it really been that long since someone got you off, Swan?" He crudely asks after my thank you number fifty. I step away from his embrace, huffing in annoyance. I turn my back to him and quickly put on the shirt. It's not as big on me as I thought it'd be, but I feel less naked.

"That's none of your business." I say, bitterly.

"You're right. It's not." He concedes. "Then why the attack?" He asks, buttoning his shirt from last night and looking at me with a curious expression. I shake my head, overwhelmed with my feelings and step inside the black shorts.

I'm such a mess.

My life wasn't this complicated when I was ten, or eleven. It was just fun and carefree. I spent my days with Edward both at school or his place. I cooked meals with my mom, and talked about everything with my father. We went out for ice creams on Sundays, and I stayed outside with Edward until my mom said it was too late to be out.

I miss those times.

I miss my family, the way it used to be.

I miss my easygoing friendship with Edward.

I miss being myself.

Peter's hands on my face bring me back to the here and now. My eyes focus on his, while he inches closer to my face, capturing my lips on his. "It's okay, Swan." He murmurs softly, kissing me one last time, before letting me go.

"The attack was for being so nice to me. Which reminds me, _why _are you being so nice to me, Peter? I don't understand it." I confess to him, sitting down on the bed, facing him. He sighs and lowers himself next to me.

"You remind me of someone." He says in a really low voice. I'm not even sure if I'm meant to hear him. "I think you could use…some help." He adds, without looking at me.

Help with what? Forgetting about Edward? Living with my two selves?

So many questions…

"Why would you want to help me?" I ask him. I still can't wrap my head about that.

"Swan, listen, I know you're apprehensive about trusting me, but I don't have ulterior motives. I'm not secretly plotting against you. I'm just honestly sick of watching you struggle so much in school. Every day, you look like you're fighting an uphill battle, and I don't know…" He trails off at the end. He's watching me now, really watching me, asking me with his eyes to trust him. It's the first time I get a glimpse of something in his eyes. He's not amused or trying to be a smartass. He looks just genuinely concerned about me.

He takes my hand in his and looks deeply into my eyes. I want to look away, but I don't.

"I'm not about to confess you my undying love for you or anything…I just think…we could…try to… Fuck, I don't know." He's getting frustrated with himself. I know he's not a fan of words, so I squeeze his hands and give him a big smile.

I'm not sure I can't be in a relationship right now. My mind and heart are too messed up. However, I get the feeling Peter is not asking me that. I think he's tired of being so alone all the time. He's always the man left out in the group. I know exactly how he feels.

I think we can offer each other comfort and just… company. _And orgasms. _I chuckle at myself, before answering him.

"We can try Peter. Let's try."

* * *

><p>Peter drives me back to my place before midday. I'm sleepy and in need of a good shower and my own comfortable clothes. My cell phone is dead and I'm actually glad for it. I don't want to talk to anyone right now.<p>

Peter's back to his sarcastic, cryptic self, stealing toe curling kisses whenever he can. I enjoy them.

"So, in case you need me stating the obvious, we're here." He says parking in front of my house. He turns off the engine, while I reach to the back seat for my stuff.

"Um, so…" I start, not sure how our relationship is going to work.

"I'll call you." He says.

"Okay, cool." I manage to get out like a moron. You'd think after the night we've spent together, I'd be a bit more comfortable around him. I'm about to just jump outside the car, when Peter grabs the back of my neck, forcing me to turn to look at him. He kisses me, holding my face in place, tangling his fingers in my hair.

I surrender to the soothing power of his lips and feel much better.

"Later, Swan." He says letting go of me and turning the engine back on. I step out of the car and wave him goodbye. I watch his car go until he's out of sight before walking inside the house.

I want to curl into my bed for a while and do some torturous thinking about how I'm feeling and what I'm going to do. Except when I get to the living room, Charlie is there with his arms crossed in front of him.

"Where the hell have you been, young lady?" He screams at me, surprising me. I'm shocked to even see him here on a Sunday. I'm shocked to see him at all.

After my mom died, my dad and I aren't as close as we used to be. Renee was the love of his life, and the light of our family. She was the glue holding us three together. When she died, she took that away with her.

Dad became a depressed workaholic who goes out of his way not to be in this house. I know if it weren't for me, he would've sold this place the minute we buried her. But Esme talked him out of it. I know Edward asked her to do it. I know he didn't want me to move away from him.

I was grateful at the time.

Now, I'm not sure we did the right thing.

"I was at…um, Tanya's." I lie, knowing I can't get away with saying I was over at the Cullen's.

"Don't lie to me Isabella." He spats, but I see his conviction wavering. He doesn't know me anymore so he can't tell whether I'm lying or not. Besides, whenever he tries to parent me, I remind him he doesn't have that much of a right to.

"I'm not. We can call her right now if you don't believe me." I say searching for my cell phone, knowing he won't make me. He sighs and gives me a tired look.

"Don't do that to me again, Bella." He tells me resigned.

"I won't. I'm sorry." I say, making my way up the stairs, thankful that I got away with this.

After I take a long shower and change into some pajamas, I plug my cell phone to charge. As soon as it comes to life, it starts chipping with text messages and missed calls.

Charlie's called about thirty times since last night. I feel a bit bad for not checking in. I didn't even think about that.

Alice's texts are worried and unsure of why I left with Peter.

The Blondie-Bunch are all happy I finally got laid, and want details.

And Edward…his texts are bordering on psychotic.

_Are you okay? Where are you?_

_I'm so sorry Bella. I'm so fucking sorry you don't even know._

_Please, Please, Please call me. We need to talk._

_Damn it, Bella, answer your fucking phone. I'm going insane over here._

_Please tell me you're okay._

I can almost feel how frantic he was when he wrote each text. I don't understand why, though. He looked angry when I left with Peter, but he didn't stop me. Do these text messages mean he regrets not stopping me?

I fall back to my bed and take deep long breaths. Why is this all so complicated? Why did I have to create a fake self when I entered high school? Maybe I wouldn't be popular, but I'm sure I'd be happier. Or at least things wouldn't be so hard.

I have to juggle the death of my mom, my fucked up relationship with my father, my feelings for Edward, cheerleading and girly fashionable Bella, and now Peter…?

How the fuck do I do it?

It's a freaking miracle I'm not doing some hard core drug or something.

I lay on my bed for a long time, just looking up, asking to some higher power to make me a different person on a different place. I drift off for what feels like a couple of minutes but wake up to a late afternoon and a warm body next to me.

"Fuck!" I scream when I feel Edward lying down by my side. "You scared the crap out of me!" I tell him sitting up and punching his chest. He evades my hits and seats up, resting his back against the headboard.

"I could tell you the same thing. Do you not know how to use a cell phone?" He replies in a calm voice. His face looks tired. I shrug, fixing my hair.

"I didn't know you'd get so worried." I lie. I expected him to worry; I just didn't know he actually would. At least not that much.

He scoffs before answering. "Of course you knew, Bella. You know how I feel about that guy."

"Well, maybe I just didn't think you'd have time to worry about me." I mutter looking down at my fingers, trying to hold back the anger I felt seeing him with Tanya last night.

"Don't be silly. I always have time to worry about you. Especially because you're _always _giving me something to worry about." He tells me, with a small smile on his face.

"Even when you're with Tanya?" I ask. He gives me a confused look.

"Yes. Even when I'm with her." He replies softly, taking my hand in his. I take deep breaths and stay silent for a while. It doesn't matter how good Peter might make me feel, it doesn't compare to the electric tingles and the scorching fire Edward brings to my body.

"I know you're angry. I know I fucked up last night. I just…I don't know…I saw you dancing with Whitlock and I thought I should let you guys be…and then…Tanya found me… and she was crying and next thing I know we're…" He trails off at the end.

"Edward…" I sigh. I don't know what to say. I wasn't aware he saw me dancing with Peter, but that doesn't change things.

"I shouldn't have left you alone last night. You were my date. I was having a good time with you and then I ruined it." He keeps going. I'm not ready to hear him out. I want to hold to my anger a bit longer and I know if I let him talk, he's going to get me to forgive him. Again.

"Edward, stop it, okay? Just shut up." I say in a strong voice. "I'm not in the mood for this." I tell him standing up from the bed. He looks a bit surprised at my reaction, but most of all, he looks hurt. I try not to dwell on it too much so that I don't lose my conviction.

"Do you want me to go?" He asks softly after a while.

I just nod.

* * *

><p><strong>So, there you have it. Is it what you were expecting? Better? Worse? Let me know.<strong>

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words, your attention, the story alerts and everything. I cry with happiness.**

**Thank you for your patience with the updates and even with the plot. I heart all of you guys for reading.**

**I must inform you that, to my dismay, I start college again tomorrow, so I'm not sure when the next update**

**is going to be. But no worries, I'm not abandoning this or anything, I'm just giving you a heads up.**

**Kisses to you all.**

_**Till next time. **_


	10. Anger, Lust & Loyalty

**Hey there guys, SM owns.**

**First off: Happy Early Birthday to my Fellow Rockstar Mari!**

**Thank you for editing this story, your dedication to it, your friendship.**

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**Fourth: Read A/N at the end.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 10: Anger, Lust &amp; Loyalty.<strong>

_"A woman will allow herself to be clouded by her emotions. _

_Her reasonable thought becomes completely unreasonable over the most ridiculous thing. _

_It's a girl thing."_**  
><strong>

_Lea DeLaria.~_

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><p><em><strong>Peter is driving me to school today.<strong>_

I linger a few seconds over the "send" bottom, unsure of doing this. This is big. Edward's been driving me to school since he got his license and before that, we walked to the bus stop together. This is going to hurt him. I know.

But I don't think I'm ready to be alone with him yet, and Peter spent most of our phone conversation last night, talking about this. He says Edward shouldn't drive me to school if he's going to be my, "whatever he is." His words, not mine.

So taking a deep breath, I press send. I stare at my cell phone for a few minutes, expecting an answer. I don't get one. For a moment I'm worried he didn't get the message and consider calling him, but when I see it's 7:20 and he's not here, I know he received it.

I wait outside for Peter, holding my knee length trench coat tight to my body. It's really cold out today and I start to get impatient when it's 7:40 and he's still not here. If Peter doesn't show up I'll murder him. Plain and simple. As I start to plan scenarios to decapitate him, his now familiar black car approaches slowly. I don't wait for it to be in front of my house before I'm already next to it. He stops when he sees me beside the vehicle and I walk around it to get in.

"Why are you here so late?" I ask annoyed as soon as I'm inside the car. He starts driving out of my street and looks at me surprised.

"Late?" It's a five minute drive." He tells me, unfazed by my tone. I stay silent because he's right.

Edward picks me up really early because that way we have time to be us before the school day starts. We usually stay in the car for a few minutes, talking and just being. I wonder how much more time we'll spend together now if I stop riding with him. I frown at the thought.

Peter takes my hand and starts playing with my fingers. It surprises me at first, because it doesn't seem like something he would do, but it feels nice.

"Don't start worrying." He says turning to the street of our school. I sigh.

"I wish it was that easy."

When we enter the parking lot, I search for Edward's car just to know if he's going to see me arriving with Peter. I'm not sure if I want him to. I look around until Peter parks the car and shuts off the engine. I get out in a dazed, still searching for Edward when I feel the stares of everyone in the school.

I was so preoccupied with my best friend, that I forgot Peter and I belong to the popular kids. Everyone is aware of our every move. I'm no Tanya, but I'm always under the scrutiny of my peers. Freshman girls, sophomore boys, and even seniors are staring. Peter doesn't make it any better by joining me and placing his hand on the small of my back, urging me to walk to the main building.

My trench coach is not thick enough to protect me from the ice in their eyes and their judgment. I feel their whispers cutting through my skin. I wish I didn't notice them. I wish I didn't care. I wish I was one of them, doing the staring instead of being stared at.

Peter drops me off to my first class where Kate and Irina ambush me with questions that I have to pretend to be dying to answer. Emmett makes a crass joke about us and I act like it doesn't bother me. Alice asks with too much knowledge in her eyes, like she knows…like she can tell what's going on. I avoid her.

I can't wait for lunch….or the period before that where I'm all by myself.

* * *

><p>"Have you talked to Edward?" Alice whispers from behind me, startling me. I shut my locker and turn around.<p>

"Jeez, Ali, give me some kind of warning next time." I tell her with my hand on my chest. I've been so jumpy today and the day is far from over. I thought I'd calm down in this class, so I could go to lunch more relaxed, but that was not the case. Instead, I spent the whole time wondering if people were talking about me every time they opened their mouths and checking my cell phone to see if Edward had texted me.

Now it's lunch time and I'm nowhere near relaxed.

"Don't be melodramatic, B. Have you talked to him?" She asks again, giving me a stern look. I shake my head. She looks at me, confused. "Do you know where he is?" She asks surprising me. I shake my head again.

"Doesn't he take Spanish with you before lunch?" I think out loud. She should know where he is better than me. She eyes me up and down and shakes her head.

"What the hell is going on?" She asks exasperated.

"I don't know what you mean."

She looks shock and wounded all at the same time.

"He gets home after the dance with the saddest look on his face, and drinks himself into half a coma. Then, he goes frantic on his cell phone and disappears the entire Sunday and when he finally comes back into the house, he's fucking intolerable! Snapping for the most ridiculous things…and then, when I think he's fine this morning, he throws his cell phone into a wall and leaves! I haven't seen him here today….and I'm 100% sure you know the reason behind all this. So I'm asking you…what the hell is going on?" She rants in a long drawn out speech, not taking even a second to blink or breathe.

I'm stunned with all this information. I'm speechless. I can't even begin to process all of the things she just said.

Drank himself into a coma?

Throwing his cell phone into a wall?

That's not the Edward I know. And the fact that he would get that way because of me and Peter doesn't flatter me at all. It makes me mad. It makes me rage.

He has no right. No right at all to be the victim now. How many times have I been in that situation? Being left out because of his relationship with Tanya? Or all of his fuck buddies…

I've stayed quiet, suffering alone in my bedroom, pretending to be okay with all of it. And now, when it's _my _turn, he's going to act like this? No way. No fucking way.

I'm seeing red at this point.

Edward better not come at all to school today, because if I see him in Biology, he might as well be a dead man.

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><p>I make my way to the cafeteria in a really sour mood. <span>T<span>he conversation with Alice wasn't the right one to have before facing the popular table. I should've gone to the cafeteria without stopping in my locker.

"Swan!" Peter yells at me when I'm two steps away from the cafeteria door. I turn around and see him jogging to catch up with me.

"What?" I ask once he's in front of me.

"Do you really feel like going in there?" He asks me with a knowing look and big smile. I shake my head and raise an eye brow in question. "Let's get out of here." He tells me grabbing my arm and leading me away from the cafeteria. I don't fight him.

I follow him to the parking lot and then to his car, where he opens the backseat door and motions me to enter. I do so, giving him a sideways glance, and get inside. He looks around quickly before joining me.

As soon as he's next to me, I kiss him. He's surprised at first but then he groans and kisses me back. I pour all of my frustrations, worries and anger into this kiss. I bite him and pull hard on his hair. I fist his jacket in a desperate attempt to get him closer. I feel myself losing control.

"Swan," he whispers when I attack his neck, "just…let's," he mumbles incoherently while I alternate my kisses between his lips and his throat. He tries to talk but I shut him up. When I start unbuttoning his shirt, he grasps my arms and shakes me. "Damn it, Swan, stop!"

The force in his voice and his grip on my arms startle me. "What?" I exclaim, because I honestly don't understand why he asked me to stop. He pushes me away from him and sighs.

"What do you mean what? What do you think I brought you here for?" He questions me in a frustrated tone. I run my fingers through my hair in annoyance, a habit I picked up from Edward. My heart clenches at the thought.

"I don't…know…to do what we were doing?" I answer although it comes out as a question. He shakes his head. I'm feeling extremely lame and embarrassed right now.

"I know you think I'm some…hell, I don't know what the fuck you think I am…but no, I won't screw you in the backseat of a…" He trails off, cursing some more at the end. I stay silent, watching him while he faces away from me.

He's right. I don't know what I think he is. I don't know him. I know for a fact that he's not a prude and that backseat fucking isn't off limits for him. This is the second time he's made up an excuse not to have sex with me. It's not like I was going to either time, I just…don't understand.

I know he wants me. I can tell. Why is he stopping himself? Is it because he knows I won't really go all the way just yet? Is he looking to have some kind of control over me with this? And then I remember…

"Peter," I whisper and he doesn't turn completely to face me, but he inches his head to me. I know I have his attention. "Who do I remind you of?" I ask hesitantly. He whips his head to me, shocked at my question. He shakes his head and pleas with his eyes not to keep on asking. I drop that specific question, but not the subject. "Is that why…you won't…is that why you…care about me?" I stumble over my words, careful not to offend him.

Peter is more vulnerable than I thought. He's not who I think he was. Maybe none of us are in this place. Maybe we're all lying.

"You should go to your class." He says in a low, commanding voice. He didn't answer but I think I hit home. I just need to find out the story behind it. Surprisingly though, I feel much better now that I know he has a story…a past…a weakness. He feels more like my equal.

I nod at him and get out of the car to make my way to Biology. I brace myself the entire path to the class room, thinking I'll have to see Edward and not kill him right away. Except when I get there, he's not on our desk.

Everyone turns to look at me as I walk to my seat. I check the door every five seconds, expecting him to walk in. He never did.

* * *

><p>"Izzy, lift your leg higher! Come on, you look like an old lady!" Tanya yells at me during cheerleading practice. I breathe slowly through my mouth and force my leg to go higher. We go over the routine a thousand times, each time Tanya pushes us to do better. I'm almost drawing blood from biting my tongue so often. I'm dying to tell her where she can shove her routine.<p>

When she says we can go home, I sigh in relief and immediately make my way to the lockers to pick up my stuff. I'm not even considering showering here. I don't want to spend more time than necessary in this place.

"B!" Tanya's voice sounds from behind me while I jog out of the field. I stop and put on my polite face for a few more minutes and turn around to face her.

"Yes?" I say through gritted teeth. My mood hasn't improved. Edward didn't show up to football practice either. I don't know why I was expecting him to come. I mean, he did miss the entire school day. And I really wasn't looking forward to see him, but still…I guess…I hoped he would come. I hoped I would get to see him today and maybe…I don't know, figure out what's going on.

If all of his actions are because of my relationship with Peter, I am mad. But there's also the chance that's not the reason at all. Besides, even if it were, we would have to talk about it, right?

"Where's E today?" Tanya asks me, bringing me out of my thoughts. I look at her perplexed and then shrug.

"Don't know…" I say uninterested. She eyes me up and down.

"I don't really believe that." She tells me in a tone I really don't like. I give her a look that conveys exactly that. Very unlike fake Bella.

"Why's that?"

"You're his _best friend _aren't you?" She spits the words like they're dirty with a scowl on her face. I could smack her stupid perfect cheerleader face.

"I'm not his keeper Tanya…and isn't he _your_ boyfriend?" I ask her in the same un-fake-Bella-like manner, knowing she hates people questioning that, considering all the times they break up. There's also the fact that she thinks she owns him completely and hates to be proven wrong or left out. She doesn't answer right away, so I eye _her _up and down and smirk. "Guess not." I finish and leave her standing there with her mouth hanging open.

I walk to the parking lot feeling smug and confident. It's freeing. I spot Peter resting his body against his car, looking too hot for words. He smiles when he sees me and I fasten my pace. When I get to him, he grabs my waist and pulls me to him, kissing my lips, once, twice.

"Ugh, you're all sweaty." I tell him stepping away from him.

"So are you." He counters. I shrug.

"What did Denali One want?" He asks, opening the passenger door, motioning me to get in.

"Denali One?" I ask after we're both inside. He lifts an eye brow and looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"Tanya? Cousin of Denali Two and Three?" He says as an explanation. I laugh the whole way home.

* * *

><p>When we get to my place, Peter insists on coming in, which is…nerve racking. Nobody from school has ever been here. Except from Edward and Alice. I've managed these past years to avoid it at all costs, and my dad being the Chief of Police kind of scares people away from my place anyway. Not that he's ever here anymore…but they don't know that.<p>

After much begging, I let him come in. I tell him about my sort of confrontation with Tanya and he says "good girl". It makes me smile. He doesn't comment on my house so after a few minutes I allow myself to be comfortable having him here.

I reheat some food and we eat on my couch while we talk about colleges and books we've read. It's nice. He's nice.

"I know you want to know…stuff about me." He says, surprising me. He's sitting with his back to the arm of the couch, facing me. Our legs meet in the middle. I nod. "But, I can't tell you…yet." He finishes with a firm voice.

"Why?"

"Can you talk to me about your feelings for Edward? About why you lie in school?" He counters. I stay silent, thinking it through.

He has a point. I guess if he asked me to talk about these stuffs, I would probably shut down completely. The truth is, I don't trust him that much yet…He doesn't trust me either. Not enough. Not yet.

I get it.

So I nod and let it be. We stay silent for a while when the phone rings. I'm startled, because no one usually calls here. Only Edward.

_Oh my God, Edward!_

I jump from the couch and run to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" I answer breathless.

"Hello there, Izzy B." The voice of Esme comes from the other side, calling me by the name she's always called me. I'm surprised to say the least.

"Esme! How are you?" I ask politely, well aware that it's been forever since I last saw her. She doesn't answer right away so I ask, "Is everything okay?"

"Um, yeah…everything's fine sweetheart. I was just wondering if Edward was hiding over there with you." She says in a low voice, a whisper. It's like she's hiding.

"I…he's not….he's not here." I stumble over my words not sure if I'm supposed to lie for him. I don't know what's going on. I hear her worried sigh over the phone. She's a mom.

"Izzy B, please, I'm sure you must have an idea where he is…or when he's coming back. I'm starting to worry…he hasn't…he's never just…disappeared before. Will you…try to find him…for me? Please." Her voice breaks at the end and it tugs at my heart. I look to the couch where Peter is lying down, showing me a sliver of skin between his t-shirt and his jeans.

He looks comfortable and peaceful. I think he fell asleep. With a big sigh, I look back to the phone and promise Esme to look for Edward before hanging up. I don't tell her I _might _know where he is, because I don't want to get her hopes up.

I'm also trying to be realistic. If Edward is hiding because of me, he wouldn't go to a place where I could find him. But even though our friendship is torn at best, I want to think I still know him.

I tip toe to the living room where my shoes and jacket are, trying not to wake up Peter, who I now know is sleeping. I scribble a note for him, telling him I'll be right back, but that he can leave if he feels uncomfortable here, alone.

I make it to the kitchen door, thinking Peter won't wake up, when I hear his voice and his steps behind me.

"Swan, where the hell are you going?" He asks in a sexy as hell sleepy voice and angry tone. I feel a bit guilty about doing this. I mean, he's been nothing but nice to me, in his way, which is real and I like it. But here I am, leaving him lying on my old dirty couch, and sneaking out to search for the guy who really owns my heart. Despite everything he's done. Because at the end of the day, that's what it is.

I'm as in love with Edward as I was two years ago. Nothing's changed. Peter may make me feel good with his kisses and his touch. He may be the breath of fresh air and authenticity my life was missing. However, it can't compare.

Edward is still that guy who held my hand every day to and from the bus stop in middle school. He's still that guy who cleaned each and every one of my tears while I was growing up. It didn't matter if it was for a stupid reason. It didn't matter if he was the one making me cry, he would always clean them away. He's the one who understood what I went through with my mother's sickness and the one who gave me strength each step of the way.

Edward is my…person. And I love him. And he's kind of missing, and his mom wants me to find him, so that's what I'll do. So taking a deep breath, I turn around to face Peter.

"I'm going to look for Edward. I'll call you later." I tell him before walking away from him.

Love is stupid.

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><p><strong>My lovelies, I'm so, so, so, sorry that I took this long to update. College sucks. Really, can't wait to get out of there.<strong>

**Anyway, as usual, thank you so much for reading and being so patient and kind to me.**

**100 REVIEWS! YAY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU.**

**I hope you liked this chapter, let me know what you think.**

**Also, leave some love to the birthday girl; she's one of the reasons I enjoy writing this.**

**So, much love to you all.**

_**Till next time. **_


	11. Heated Encounter

**SM owns.**

**Mari, you're the bestest. Especial thanks to Sunflower Fanfiction, **

**who also beta'd this chapter for me. THANK YOU, Both of you.**

**Thanks to Lady_Packinson as well, for the WC and her words. -hugs!-**

**Big thanks as well to, iamheatherlewis for being a sweetheart. **

**Anyway, as usual, READ THE A/N AT THE END.**

**Enjoy. **

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><p><strong>Chapter 11: Heated Encounter<strong>

"_There would be no passion in this world if we never had to fight for what we love."_

_Susie Switzer.~_

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><p><em>Love is stupid.<em>

I walk down my street in the cold breeze of the falling afternoon. The sound of Peter's car driving the other way rings loud in my ears. I think he was mad. I know he was mad. I saw it in his crystal clear eyes. He wasn't happy. Hell, I'm not happy.

I walk without looking back to the place I'm almost sure Edward will be. I hope he is there, because if I walked all this way only to be met by emptiness, I'm going to kill him when I do find him.

The pavement at the end of my street turns to a rocky patch that leads to the forest. It's been a while since I've walked this path so I walk slowly. I've never come alone to this place, Edward is always with me.

After walking a few more steps, I see a familiar tree, and follow the path to the small meadow. I discovered this place by accident when I was little, and when I met Edward I shared it with him. We used to come here after school, before we started meeting in his backyard. Then, he took this place as his own, and used to come here alone to…think or whatever. Usually when we fought, he would hide from me here. I'm relying on my old friend, on the Edward I know, or use to know to find him here today.

He doesn't disappoint. I feel his presence as soon as I step into the meadow. Then I see him. He's sitting on a tree branch, swinging his legs like a little kid. He has his head turn down. He looks defeated and sad. It reminds me when he had a huge fight with his siblings in sixth grade. My heart breaks at the memory. But then, he lifts his head and locks his eyes with mine, and my heart breaks again at the present. The sadness is his eyes hits me like a lightning bolt. It wasn't what I was expecting to find in his eyes at all. Although I'm not sure what I was expecting, this was not it.

I step around fallen branches until I'm next to the tree he's sitting in. I could climb and sit next to him, but I rest my back against the trunk instead. A few minutes of silence pass, before I take a deep breath and talk.

"You didn't go to school today." I state the obvious. I hear him snort.

"Wasn't really in the…mood for school and whatever." He says. I look up to him just in time to catch his angry expression.

_Anger? _

"And…?" I prompt like a bitch in response to his attitude.

"What do you mean "and" Bella? Haven't you ever felt like you just can't deal with school?" He asks, like he doesn't know me.

"Yes, Edward, every day. Every fucking day, I feel like walking inside that place is going to eventually kill me." I tell him annoyed. He knows this. We've talked about this. It upsets me that he has to ask. "But I do it anyway…so just…suck it up, okay?" I add in a strong tone, kicking dirt under my feet.

"When did you turn into such an insensitive bitch?" He inquires, angry at me. I don't think this was the behavior he was expecting from me when I came to look for him. Because I'm sure he knew I was going to find him eventually. He made it too easy. I see his hands grip the tree with so much force it could break it. I know he's frustrated, but so am I.

"When did you turn into such a whiny jerk?" I ask back, completely unaffected by his anger. He has no right. None at all.

"What are you even doing here? Aren't you supposed to be fu—with Whitlock?" I flinch at his words, even though he caught himself in time. I feel sad that this is what he thinks. When did he become this person? When did _we _drift so far apart? He knows I'm not that kind of girl. Despite my wishes to be able to just live recklessly, I'm not.

I sigh before answering with fake calmness.

"Your mom called me and asked me to look for you, since you decided to go all Houdini on them, and yes…I was with Peter before she called, not like that's any of your business." I spit the last words in a bitter tone. I'm starting to regret coming here.

He gives me yet another annoyed look before climbing off the tree. "Yes, Bella, you've made that very clear. It's none of my business who you fuck or whatever." He speaks after he's landed next to me and ends his sentence with an eye roll before facing away.

I give myself a few seconds to calm down. Honestly, I just want to slap him.

"I'm not-just go back to your place so that I can…" I start in a restrained voice.

"Go back to Peter? Jeez, don't let me stop you." He doesn't even let me finish. He whips his head around to look at me so fast I'm surprise he didn't break it. His eyes could kill me with all the force they hold. I back away from him slightly, not ready for that response.

"Are you even going to tell me why you're acting this way? Or is this one of those things where I'm just supposed to let it go without an explanation?" I question eventually, when he turns his back to me again. I'm not strong enough to survive his eyes. They are my undoing and I can't look at them while having this strange conversation.

"Do you even care for my explanations? Didn't seem like that to me yesterday when you kicked me out…" His response is quiet, a whisper. His voice sounds broken and wounded. His shoulders are slumped, as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulder. When did this happen? Where is his strong positive energy? Where is his powerful shiny aura that keeps me gravitating towards him?

"Is that what this is about?" I ask softly, afraid to startle him. He turns around abruptly again; shocking me and making me lose my balance.

"Damn it, why are you so fucking clueless Bella?" He screams at me, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me with reckless force. His eyes, tormented. His nostrils, flaring. His breath, coming out in pants. I can almost feel his heart beating out of his chest. His touch is an electric current giving life to my entire body. My blood feels warm under my skin. I have goose bumps rising all over me. I will never be able to escape the reaction my body has to him. No matter how fucked up the situation might be. I'm a slave for him, as cliché as that may sound.

"What are you talking about?" I whisper while his fingers sink deeper into my skin. I don't know where to look, but after a great deal of effort, I focus my eyes on his. If I had to compare them to anything it would be a hurricane. I imagine this is what a swirl of strong rains, unrelenting winds, and deafening thunders look like. Like his green eyes right now, looking at me, full of everything.

We stand there for what seems like hours, and he slowly starts to calm down. The storm in his eyes dwells a little, until they are just liquid green peace. His hold on me loosens, but he hasn't let go completely. Yet I know I will miss his touch when he does.

"Nothing, just forget it." He finally says, stepping away from me. His hand goes to his hair right away. He looks defeated, troubled, frustrated. He looks like he can't talk to me and it breaks my heart. This has never happened to us before. We've always been there for each other. He always confesses his thoughts to me. Just like I do to him…except when…my romantic feelings for him are involved.

_Don't go there. _

"Edward…" His name comes out of my lips without trying. I'm not even aware I've said it until he raises his eyes back to mine.

"Go home, okay? I'll go back later." He orders me in his no nonsense voice. He's already turning his back to me. I stop it.

I don't know where this strength is coming from, but I grab his arm and turn his body around.

"No, damn it! I won't go home until you tell me what the fuck is going on Edward!" I scream to his shocked face, tired of dancing in circles around our friendship. I'm done with this not knowing, with this guessing game, with being so repressed around the only person I should be free with.

His surprised look lasts about a second before he's in my face again, screaming back at me.

"You sure you want to know? You sure you're ready to know what's going on? To deal with how I feel? To deal with _us_? Are you really ready for that Bella?" He spats question after question at me, throwing me off my game.

"What are you talking about?" I ask him, thinking he lost his mind.

"You wanna know what the fuck is going on? I fucking _hate _Peter, okay? I _hate _seeing you with him. It drives me insane to know that you're letting him touch you, like he has a right to. He was just waiting for me to screw it all up , to come in and take you away from me. Ever since that goddamn party where I left you alone, he's been in the middle of everything. And I hate it. That's what's going on." He launches himself into a frustrated tell-all of what's been bothering him. The storm in his eyes is back and it's eating me alive. I push him away.

"You have some nerve telling me all of this, did you know that? How _dare _you? How fucking dare you?" I scream at him, making him stumble away from me.

"You have no right to be upset over this. None! Do you think I liked seeing you with Tanya? You know I hate her, but that doesn't stop you, does it? So, why should it stop me? You hate the guy I'm seeing, boo, fucking boo. I hate Tanya, Bree, Lauren, Victoria, and all the other stupid girls you've been with." I continue on a roll.

It's like the words are spilling out of my mouth and I can't stop them and I can't slow them down. My brain has shut down completely. I'm running on emotions, feelings, and adrenaline. My frustration, my anger, my jealousy are fueling this encounter. I don't think I can stop. I don't want to.

"But I've sucked it up haven't I? I've sucked it up for years! So I expect you to do the same. Aren't you supposed to be my _best fucking friend?" _I'm seeing red at this point, and starting to feel the burn of unshed tears in my eyes. I take deep breaths because I refuse to let myself cry right now.

I'm not stupid, I got what he said. He's jealous of Peter. However, I don't think this is about him having feelings for me. This is about him being used to having me at his beck and call every hour of every day. He knows that will change now. His jealousy is nowhere near the same as mine. It's different.

"This is it, isn't it? This is _that_ fight? The one that ends our friendship? I finally managed to drive you away from me completely, right?" He asks looking down at his feet, practically whispering the words.

I take a deep breath that does nothing to calm me down. I stay silent for a long time, looking everywhere but him.

"That's up to you Edward. Your actions will determine that." I finally reply. He nods and I leave the meadow, walking on shaky legs.

* * *

><p>After that encounter, Edward and I spend a few days without talking much, but his attitude changed for the better. He has apologized several times and even though it's been hard, we're trying to repair our friendship.<p>

I apologized and explained everything to Peter as soon as I got back to my place that afternoon. It felt nice having someone to listen to me. That day, the reality of just how lonely I was hit me. I've been making the best out of my relationship with Peter ever since.

It's been two weeks since my altercation with Edward, and things are better. Lashing out at him, telling him part of how I've felt these past years really took a lot of the burden off. I feel liberated in some way. Like I don't have to pretend as much. I feel like our friendship is back to honesty and reality, like it was when we were kids.

I feel like now, we owe each other to be as true to ourselves as we can be while being together. The fear of losing our friendship came too close to reality with that last fight, and now I feel like we're more careful. I still have feelings for him. That hasn't changed. It's not going to change anytime soon, really.

Love is strong.

However, I feel hopeful now, like maybe I will, someday, stop loving him this way. For now, I'm happy with being more in control about it. Plus, I have Peter, who's always been aware of my feelings for Edward, so it's not like I'm using him.

I'm not stupid enough to think I can push my love for Edward out of my heart with Peter. I know it doesn't work that way. But Peter and I are good for each other. I know I remind him of someone he loves, or loved, so it's not like I'm the only one with issues. But we're both lonely, even if he hasn't said so in so many words, and we're enjoying each other's company.

I'm not going to lie, I like Peter. I'm attracted to him, and there's chemistry between us. Our relationship is not sane, though. I mean, our reasons for being together are fucked up. But I'm used to fucked up situations so I'm okay with it all.

In the past weeks, Edward hasn't made a comment, a face, anything, against my relationship with Peter. The only time we talked about that was when he asked me if he could drive me to school once a week. He even asked Peter, _politely_, to grant him that. Peter told him to ask me. I said yes.

That first ride last week was awkward as hell, but we ended up laughing our asses off at it all. That day, I started to feel relaxed around him again.

Now, as I wait for him to pick me up again, I'm not as uncomfortable as I was before. This will be the third time we ride together since our…altercation. I'm hoping things will go remotely normal today. When I hear movement in my kitchen, I'm sure they will.

"You have no pop-tarts?" He asks me as I enter the kitchen. He's opening the fridge, rummaging through my food. The room is already filled with his essence, his presence commanding my entire attention. Even though he has his back to me, I feel like he's watching my every move. I stay put at the entrance to the kitchen, waiting for him to be done.

It annoys and thrills me at the same time to see him so comfortable in my house. I want us to go back to normal, but I don't want him to think it's going to be easy.

"Haven't gone grocery shopping…sorry." I answer when he finally turns around to face me. He looks at me intently, his green eyes trying to break into my soul. I keep my breathing steady, waiting for him to speak.

"Why not? Is everything okay?" He finally asks in a low, concerned voice. His voice matches the troubled expression in his face, tugging at my heart. I know I've been hard on him these past few days, but he deserved it. Still, seeing how much he cares about me, despite everything, lets me know he's my best friend. No matter what. No matter anything.

"Everything's fine, chill. I just haven't got the time to go yet." I say calmly. He studies my expression. I know he's trying to figure out if I'm lying. When he's convinced I'm not, the tension leaves his body.

"I can take you after school today…I mean, if you want to, I don't know." He stammers out, running his hand through his hair. He's nervous. It's cute. The little jump my heart gives inside my chest agrees.

"Um, I…" I start, not really sure if this is the right thing to do.

_It's just grocery shopping. _

Yes, but I have a boyfriend and this is the guy I'm in love with.

_He's also you're best friend. _

Who I'm mad at…well, not so much anymore…

My stupid brain has this monologue inside me, stopping me from actually getting some words out.

"You don't have to…I'm sure you'll…" Edward is already regretting his offer. I hate this. It doesn't have to be this way. I think we can get past this. I know we can. Things were getting better, easier, back to normal.

"It's okay, we can go after school." I tell him, surprising him.

"Yeah?" He asks stepping closer to me. His timid smile is so endearing. It brings me back memories from a different time. When we were kids. When we weren't so jaded. When life was fun. I smile back.

"Yeah."

We stand in the middle of my kitchen like morons, smiling at each other. His proximity is both unnerving and exciting. My mind is such a mess right now. I wish I could get my shit together. I'm trying.

"We should probably…" He trails off after a while, gesturing to the door. If we keep on standing here doing nothing, we'll be late.

"I'll get my bag." I announce as I walk out of the kitchen. He nods and when I look back, he's still smiling.

* * *

><p>The ride to school is comfortable enough. It's peaceful. We don't talk a lot, but it doesn't feel like awkward silence anymore. When we get to the parking lot, Peter is already there and opens my door. He kisses me good morning and gives Edward a stiff nod before ushering me inside the main building.<p>

I mumble a quick see you later to Edward, suddenly feeling shy in this whole scenario. Peter looks oblivious to it all. Edward looks completely unfazed while he answers my goodbye. I can't read his expression, no matter how hard I try. He doesn't look upset. He just looks…numb.

The day goes by with much of the same. Fake smiles, stupid conversations, trying to control my temper every time Tanya opens her mouth, mixed feelings, lust… By the time the last bell rings I'm as exhausted as every other day. Thankfully this week's games have been cancelled, so there's no practicing for anything. I get to go home early.

At the end of the day, I say goodbye to Peter, while Edward waits for me in his car. Peter makes me promise to call him when I'm alone. I know why. This is a weird situation.

Without giving it much thought, I let go of Peter's hand and make my way to Edward's car a few feet away from me.

"All set?" He asks softly after I've put my seatbelt on. He looks weird, sad maybe. I nod at him and we're off to the supermarket. We talk about our day during the short drive, and by the time we park in front of the old store, he looks his happy self again.

_Definitely bipolar, _I think while he laughs uncontrollably at something I said about our biology teacher. But I can't stop my smile at seeing him that way.

He looks like my best friend.

* * *

><p>"Get the strawberry ones." He points to the strawberry pop tarts on the shelves, while I grab the chocolate ones. I shake my head at him.<p>

"I want this one. I haven't had them in forever." I tell him, giving him a pointed look. He shrugs, grabbing the box he's interested in and placing it inside the shopping car.

"You know I can't afford to buy two…" I start but he cuts me off.

"I'll pay for them." I'm about to argue with him but he speaks again. "They'll be mine…I'll just hide them in your place, deal?" I nod, and continue searching the aisles for what I need.

When we get to my place, he helps me unload the bags and even helps me to put the items away. After we're done with that, we stand in the middle of my kitchen as we did this morning.

"So…I guess I should go." He says, while staring at me.

"Uhm…" I know he's giving me an opening to ask him to stay. But I'm not sure I can handle that yet. I give him a pleading look. I will him to understand. He shrugs and smiles.

"It's okay. Today was a good day, right? For us, I mean…" He says with hope in his eyes.

"Yeah, it was a good day." I assure him with a small smile. We stay silent for a few minutes before he speaks again.

"I miss you." His voice is so soft. The way he's looking at me gives me goose bumps. My heart is racing inside me. His eyes trap me in this spot, not letting me move.

"I'm here." I say in a breathless whisper.

He nods and smiles the tiniest smile. I know he doesn't think so. I know he wants to tell me it's not the same. But he doesn't. He just waves me goodbye while exiting my kitchen. It's not the reaction I was hoping for.

Still, I'm happy about today.

I think maybe, we can survive this.

I think maybe, we're strong enough.

* * *

><p><strong>There you have it. Thoughts? Opinions? Liked it? Hated it? Review and tell me...<strong>

**So, the site has gone crazy pulling stories down, so I just wanted you to know that I'm about to **

**create a blog, just in case. I don't think I'm breaking any rules, but again, just in case. **

**As soon as I have the blog, I will post the link on my profile or on an A/N.**

**Also, I'm trying really hard to create some sort of posting schedule for this story.**

**If things go according to plan, I will post every two weeks. On Wednesdays. Remember? Last update**

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_**Till next time, xo**_


	12. What Lies Beneath

**SM owns Twilight. I own this.**

**Thank you to my girls who make my grammar and my words better,**

**Mari & Sunflower Fanfiction. You both rock big time.**

**Special thanks to dj071688-Coppertop for reccing this story. -hug-**

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**So, SURPRISE! **

**Edward's Point of View.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: What Lies Beneath<strong>

_"...They didn't ask for it. _

_They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. _

_Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness..."_

_Neil Gaiman.~_

* * *

><p><em>I breathe in her scent, taking long, long breaths, trying to get high on her aroma. I don't know how much time we've been given to be together this way, but I know it must be short. It always is.<em>

_My hands are everywhere, frantic, trying to unwrap her as the perfect present I know she is. Her skin is as soft as silk. Everything about her is perfect. I kiss her everywhere. I kiss her where she wants me to, where she needs me. The sounds she's making ring loud in my ears, like the most brilliant symphony ever written. _

_I can't get enough of her. It's painful. I want her with me. I need her with me. And I know that this moment is about to end, like it always does. I crawl my way on top of her, until we're face to face. I get lost in her eyes, so accepting, so filled with love. No one looks at me this way. No one accepts me for who I am. No one knows me like she does._

_I love her._

_Her fingers are soothingly rubbing my back. She's waiting for me to make the move._

_Always so patient. _

_Always grounding me, when I feel like falling apart. _

_Where does she get her strength? I'm the one __that's __supposed to be there for her, but it's always the other way around._

_Before I can torment myself with self-loathing, I align our bodies like the puzzle pieces they are, and push inside her. It feels heavenly for a moment, and then it's over._

…

I wake up panting, my hand inside my boxer briefs. I take a few seconds to enjoy the high feeling, and then get up from the bed.

It's always the same.

Always the same fucking dream.

I'm so tired of waking up like this. I feel like a sick, perverted jackass. If she knew about this, she would never talk to me again. Not like she's talking that much to me right now anyway. She's always with him. Or more like, _he _is always with _her. _

I know I deserve it. I deserve what's going on. I pushed her away. I tried so hard to get her out of my mind and heart that I ended up driving her away completely. I didn't want that. I just needed to stop having feelings for her. I went the wrong way about it, I guess. Fucking her out of my system with random bodies was definitely not the answer.

Now I'm lucky if she rides with me to school.

We tiptoe around each other now, afraid of even breathing the wrong way. We haven't met in our backyard in what feels like forever. I have a growing list of new music I want her to listen to. I want to watch her face while she closes her eyes and listens intently to a new song. I crave the smile of approval she gives me when she likes it. I'm dying for the few minutes I get to enjoy her beautiful face, watching her with adoration, without getting caught.

I just need her.

I just need to be around her.

I just need to feel her skin on mine, if only for a few seconds.

In a way, I'm glad we're not hanging out as much. It was getting harder and harder, pun intended, to be close to her without touching her like I wanted to. Her skin must have this magnet or some shit, because I swear it pulls me with every breath she takes. Just smelling her scent when she enters a room makes my heart race faster.

Maybe this is good. Maybe now I can move on. Maybe now I can go back to seeing her as my best friend and not as the most perfect woman ever. It's not like I'm even worthy of her. She deserves better than me.

And better than that motherfucking Whitlock guy. I've never wanted to kill someone as much as I want to kill him. I was ready to confess my feelings for her the night of the dance. I was ready to put it all out there, even if that meant losing her forever. Even if she would have given me one of those disgusted looks she knows, and laughed in my face. I was ready for her rejection.

I was going to tell her…and then the stupid King and Queen shit happened, and he swept in like a knight in a fucking shining armor. He danced with her. He whispered in her ear. He made her laugh. In that moment, she looked so happy, so carefree. Her eyes twinkled with the light that dimmed when her mother died.

I couldn't bring myself to get in the middle of that. I only want her to be happy. I only want her to be bright again. If he does that for her…I'll deal with it.

I still want to kill him though. Maybe not as much as I wanted to kill Newton on freshman year. The asshole took her virginity while she was drunk. I know she regrets it, even if she doesn't talk to me about it. It's for the best though. If she says the word "virginity" around me, I might come in my pants.

I'm sick.

* * *

><p>I get ready for my day at snail pace. I drove Bella to school yesterday, and we even went grocery shopping, so it was a start. I said I missed her and she said she was here, but it doesn't feel that way. It's hard going from best friends to whatever the fuck we are now.<p>

I finished getting dressed, too early for my taste, so I stay in my room listening to Beethoven.

"Are you ready to go?", Alice peeks her head inside my room. When she sees me sitting on my bed with my earphones on, she joins me. I pause the song and look at her expectantly.

"So…no Izzy today?" She asks in a calm tone. I shake my head. She sighs and rubs my back. "I'm sure she'll come around." I've never talked to anyone in this house about my feelings for Bella, but I'm sure Alice knows. She just doesn't say so in so many words. I know she knows I struggle with it. I know she knows I haven't come to terms with it.

Who the hell falls in love with the girl you used to see as your sister? Isn't that wrong in so many levels? After her mother died, I promised myself I would take care of her. I would look out for her. I would make sure she was always safe. I would make sure she smiled.

Pretending to be someone else seemed like a good idea that summer. She was so broken, so fragile, so hurt, that I thought that this way she could get a fresh start. We were going to begin our freshman year and we would be whomever we _needed _to be to be accepted.

She needed attention, she needed people around her, she needed a distraction from her grief. It worked out for a while. We were doing well. Being someone in school and being ourselves when we were alone.

But the popular kids turned out to be more demanding than what we thought. And now we're stuck, or trapped…or just plain scared. I know I am.

Huge ass coward.

Of course Bella doesn't deserve me.

"E?" Alice's voice brings me out of my thoughts, making me flinch at the nickname. It's not her fault. She has been calling me that since we were kids. It never bothered me. But then it became what the girls at school call me. And I hate it. Bella does too…

"What?" I ask, distracted. My thoughts on Bella…as usual.

"Do you want to drive me? " I nod numbly at her and stand up.

She talks nonstop the entire drive. She thinks she can distract me from what's waiting for me at school. Bella must be there already…with him. Laughing at something he said, touching him, kissing him…

Nothing can distract me from that. Especially because when we get to the parking lot, Whitlock and Bella are kissing passionately on the front steps of the school. No one is looking at them. Everybody is already used to seeing them together. They hold hands in the hallways. They arrive and leave together. They have lunch together.

It's old news.

Except to me.

I shouldn't have gotten out of bed.

* * *

><p>The day drags, like all the others. These past few days have been harder because I can't spend time with Bella. I feel like going crazy. My hair is suffering my frustration more than usual. I think I might go bald.<p>

She doesn't eat lunch with us anymore, so I don't get to see her until Biology. I'm walking faster than usual toward our classroom, hoping we can at least say hello to each other, when I hear Tanya's voice.

"E! E! Wait up!" She yells at me. I can hear her heels; she's jogging. I breathe slowly, and turn around to face her.

"What?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight…" Her big blue eyes look hopeful. Her voice is soft. Her hands are holding a notebook to her chest. She looks like any other normal girl. However, that's not what I see. In her, I see all of my wrong decisions. I see all the things I regret. It's not her fault I can't be with Bella, but she doesn't make it easier either.

She's tainted me. With her body, with her kisses, she has made me undeserving of my real love.

"I can't." I say in a cold tone.

"Why not?" She inquires, trying to sound patient, and kind. But she can't pull it off. She doesn't know how to be patient or kind. She's not Bella.

"I just can't, okay?" I don't want to give her an excuse. I need to detach my life from hers. I need her to understand I'm not interested in the games we've played. She knows. I know she knows I've been using her. How can she not? I'm way too obvious. I fuck her and leave her. I don't call her. I sleep with others. I mean…she knows. She must know she's just means to an end.

She's just another way to try to forget about Bella. It hasn't worked. Not with her, not with anybody. I don't even know why I still do it. I guess I could go with the hormones and teenage boy excuse…

No.

I still do it, because…

Fuck, I don't even know.

"What's up with you?" She asks annoyed.

"Nothing's up with me. I just can't." I shrug and start walking away from her and closer to Bella. Where I want to be. Where I need to be. Where I can't be.

"You can't or you don't want to?" She demands, keeping up with my pace.

"Both." I wish she would just leave me alone. I'm gripping unto the last bit of my patience because I don't want to make a scene.

"Why are you being such a jerk to me? What's this about?" She keeps that tone with me. I hate it. And that word…_jerk_… it reminds me of Bella. When she said it to me. It hurt me so bad. Now, as it falls from Tanya's lips, they're nothing but words. Not important. I don't care.

I stop walking and face her. I look into her eyes, so that she knows I'm serious. I'm sure my stare is hard.

"Tanya, we broke up remember?" I tell her in an even voice. "We are not a couple. Just fucking deal with it." I continue, trying to rein my temper. Her eyes are as cold as ever. Her expression is pure anger.

"That's never been a problem before. We break up, we fuck, and get back together. It's how it works." She spits the words, reminding me why I'm not in love with her. I breathe slowly, and start walking again.

"Maybe it's time for a change." I say with my back to her.

"What's that supposed to mean? A change from what? From me?" She yells at me while I walk away. This time she doesn't follow and I can make my way to Biology.

Finally.

* * *

><p>That fucking conversation with Tanya made me late. Instead of arriving with minutes to spare and talk to Bella, I get a lecture from our teacher and have to sit and be quiet. She gave me a tiny smile when I sat next to her but it wasn't enough.<p>

Nothing is ever enough anymore. I take a deep breath and tug my hair for the hundredth time. I'm ready to make up an excuse to get out of here when I see a white piece of paper placed in front of me.

_Hi :) _

I give Bella a sideways glance and she gives me a bigger smile. My heart races, and aches and explodes with feelings and happiness. So many things. So many emotions this girl makes me feel. It's like when she was born someone taught her how to make me feel. Someone taught her she was born to be in my life, to make it better, to make it brighter.

_Hey. _I write down simply and slide the paper back to her. I smile when she looks at me and smiles back. My whole body is tingling. I see her scribbling down quickly, looking up to the teacher and making it seem like she's taking notes.

So smart.

_What's up? Why were you late? _

_I'm not sure I should tell you… _

_Why? _

_I'm scared._

_Of what?_

_Ruining what little progress we've made…_

_Edward, why were you late? What did you do?_

_I didn't do anything. Tanya invited me over to her house. I said no. She flipped._

_Why would that jeopardize our progress?_

_I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about her to you…_

_You can talk to me about anything._

_I'm glad to hear that._

* * *

><p>Biology class is over too soon. I was enjoying talking to Bella through that sheet of paper. We wrote in every white surface of it. It felt like home.<p>

But the bell rang and now she's standing next to our table, putting her stuff away. I fold the piece of paper and shove it in my back pocket without Bella noticing.

"So…" I start while everybody walks out of the classroom. She grabs her book and turns to face me. "Any new music you want to share?" I ask really hoping she says yes…she knows where I'm going with this. I hold in my breath, waiting for her response. It was a bit of a bold move to make. I mean, it's not like things are 100% back to normal, but I want them to be.

I need them to be.

After what feels like forever, she smiles at me and nods excitedly. I breathe a sigh of relief and smile back at her.

Her eyes look bright, like she's happy I asked.

"Tonight?" I ask slowly. She nods again, her smile still in place, waves me goodbye and walks away.

The excitement I feel at the whole thing is out of this world. Why is she the only one who can make me feel this way? I've tried so hard to not be attracted to her. I've tried even harder to not have feelings for her… And yet, here I am, in love with my best friend.

There's no way I will ever change our relationship status. After all the shit I've done, trying to stop thinking about her, trying to forget about her, I've doomed ourselves to be just friends till the end of time. Or…till she gets sick of my fucking stupidity, which she got really close to a couple of weeks ago. However her, being her, the most forgiving, patient, sweet and kind human being on the planet, she gave me a chance. She gave us a chance to still be best friends.

I think we can make it. I think we can get over my moronic rant on the meadow. I mean really, what the fuck was I thinking when I told her I hated Peter? She didn't put up with my shit though. She told me how it was, and called me on my selfishness. One of the many things I love about her. Her ability to do just that…

She made me feel like crap too. I didn't know she felt so passionate about my "fuck buddies". I guess I never thought about it. I thought she didn't care…but apparently she did…or does…and the warm feeling I get thinking about that is not healthy.

It gives me hope.

I don't want hope. I don't _need _hope. I want cruel, brutal reality.

Bella is not mine.

Bella is not in love with me.

Bella has a boyfriend.

Bella is my best friend.

That's the cruel, brutal reality.

And I better not forget about that.

* * *

><p>"So, Tanya is freaking out." Bella says from her place next to me on our blanket. We're not sitting as close as we used to, but she's close. I can smell her perfume when the wind blows. I can feel the heat of her body burning up my skin. I give her a confused look in response to her comment. Why is she talking about Tanya?<p>

"I mean, about you talking about a change…us girls had to deal with the aftermath of that little conversation. I was a bit surprised she was laying it all out in the open like that. I've always gotten the feeling that she doesn't like people to know her weaknesses, especially when it comes to you…" She rambles on confusing me even more. Bella has known Tanya for as long as I have and we've never talked at length about her.

"Why are you telling me this?" I question looking deeply into her eyes to see if I can figure it out. Lately it's been harder and harder to do so. She shrugs.

"I don't know…I mean…why now?" She asks in that really low voice she gets when she's afraid to say something.

"Because…" Because you saw me about to fuck her on that desk. Because you admitted that you hate her. Because I'm so tired of pretending to like her. Because every time she gets close to me I think of how I get farther away from you. I can't tell you this.

"…I don't know." I finish lamely.

She looks at me for a while with those big, brown eyes of hers. She studies me and I feel small under her stare. Does she know? The effect she has on me? Can she tell? Does she notice how my skin feels hot while she watches me? For a minute, I imagine how she would look at me in a different scenario. Would her eyes cloud with lust? Would she appraise my body and lick her lips?

I shake my head to clear it out when I feel the familiar tightening in my pants.

"So, are we going to do this or what?" She asks and for a minute I think she's referring about my fantasies. Then I remember my iPod in my hands and the songs I want her to listen to, so I smile big at her and scoot a tiny bit closer.

She doesn't put the earphones in, so instinctively I grab them and place them in. That action gets me really close to her, and I feel her sharp intake of breath. I put the second earphone in, and let my fingers caress her earlobe once, twice, before resuming my position next to her.

My entire arm feels electrified because of that touch alone. The side of my neck where she exhaled her breath on me feels like scorching fire. How would it feel like to have her panting my name, all breathy moans and sighs?

What would make her go crazy? What touches would send her over the edge? I imagine running my fingers through her collarbone, trailing down her chest, her breasts, all the way down to her stomach…

Would she grab my hair and urge me on? Would she sigh my name when I finally touch her where she wants? Would she shut her eyes from the intensity of the pleasure or would she look at me all the way to my soul?

I watch her profile while she loses herself to the music. Her eyes are closed like I knew they would be while I admire her beautiful face. So delicate, so feminine. Her creamy skin looks like ice cream. I want to taste her. Everywhere.

Her hand is resting on the blanket next to her and I'm dying to grab it and kiss it. Playfully bite her fingers. Maybe guide her to touch my body…

All of a sudden, she opens her eyes and looks at me then at her hand. I look down and see I have my hand on top of hers. I take it off slowly as she takes off the earphones.

I'm about to apologize for…touching her I guess when she speaks.

"I love it! I loooove it!" She stresses in a very out of character reaction. Her smile is so big that it feels like nothing else in the world exists. This moment right here is the only thing that matters because her eyes are shining and her smile is dazzling.

And I love it.

And I love _her. _

After having the most easygoing conversation we've had since that awful day, I walk her home. I'm all smiles and my heart feels light again.

I say goodnight to her with a long hug that makes its way towards the center of my very being. I walk back home on cloud nine, because a hug is not in the least everything I wish I could do to her, but it's ten times better than nothing.

When I get to my bedroom, I add the song to my Bella's Approved playlist on my computer. I also save the piece of paper where we scribbled during Biology. I add it to the big pileinside the tattered shoebox under my bed. The others, I've saved since sixth grade where they meant less than they do now.

Not even close.

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><p><strong>There you have it! Do you still hate Edward? <strong>

**RL has been very demanding these past few days, so please make it better with your words.**

**Next Update will probably be in two weeks.**

_**Till next time. **_


	13. Painful Memories

**As always, you guys know the deal...SM owns and it should stay that way.**

**Thank you to my amazing girls, the ones that deal with my crap,**

**my fellow Rockstar Mari & the lovely Sunflower Fanfiction. Thank you.**

**Special thanks to Coppertop Johnson for reccing this story in several FB groups. Very much appreciated.**

**Anyway, Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 13: Painful Memories<strong>

"_When did the rain become a storm? When did the clouds begin to form?"_

_Beautiful Goodbye, Maroon 5. ~_

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><p>"Peter…," I say breathlessly when he moves his kisses to my neck. One of his hands grips my waist tightly while the other caresses my breasts. My shirt is long gone, and so is his. I'm left in just my cheerleader skirt and he is only in his jeans.<p>

I feel hot, like too warm, but it's not like nice-warm. It's more like I'm-feeling-icky-warm. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to get him to stop, but he seems determined on not listening to me. Our fooling around has been progressing in the past few days, and I'm certain that he wants to go all the way now.

We've been a couple for a month and a half, so I get it. He's a guy. I get it. He's been extremely patient and kind. He's been beyond understanding, not even arguing about me spending more and more time with Edward. Because honestly, Edward has been perfect. He has tried so hard in these past few weeks to be a good friend. The thing is that in the process of saving our friendship, I've fallen even more for him.

Each day he gives me another reason to love him more, so now, as I lie half naked under Peter's body, I can't help but think this is so wrong. This is the time I chose to question my entire relationship with Peter. I still don't know much about him. I'm still in love with another boy. What am I doing? Why did I get involved with this guy? I used to stay away from him, because I couldn't figure him out. What changed? Nothing really, because I still can't figure him out.

"Swan, come on." He groans when he notices I'm unresponsive to his touch. He rests his head on my chest and I feel his breath on my breasts. His hands are both holding me, like he's willing me to notice him. I sigh.

"We need to talk." I say pushing him softly. He lifts his head, looks at me and then rolls away from me.

"I know everything you're going to say, so…you can save it." He says, after I've put on my bra and sat back down next to him.

"No, you don't, so listen to me, okay?"

"Yes, I do. You're going to tell me how you're not ready to have sex with me, because you're still in love with Cullen, and how this feels wrong somehow, yada, yada, yada, and all that bullshit."

"You're right…but that's not the only reason…Peter, I know next to nothing about you…" I trail off.

"What does it matter?" His voice is annoyed, his posture stiff. I sit on my knees facing him, grab his face and kiss his cheek before pleading with him. "It does to me, so…please, just…" I tell him between kisses. He takes a deep breath and gives me an annoyed look.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" He finally says. I sit cross-legged in the middle of the bed and organize my thoughts. The first question is easy, it comes to me without trouble.

"Who do I remind you of?" I blurt out. I've been dying to know this. Do I know her? Is she from around here? Why exactly do I remind him of her? I know there's a reason why Peter chose me...why he feels, or wants to feel, close to me. But what is it? I want to know. I need to know.

He stays silent for a while, just looking at me and I start fidgeting due to my lack of clothing. Sure, he's seen and touched, but I still feel vulnerable under his stare. After taking a deep breath, he speaks.

"Charlotte." He says in a low voice, looking away from me.

"Who's Charlotte?"

"She was…she is…she used to be my girlfriend." He stutters. That much I knew…I mean, I suspected it was something like that. I need to know more.

"What happened?" I ask.

"I had to move…over here…so…you know…freshman students don't do long distance." He murmurs and I can feel his pain. He's still not over her. I open my mouth to ask for more details but he stops me. "I know you are just going to keep asking questions, so I'm going to save you a few before you drive me crazy."

"Okay." I nod and motion for him to talk. He gives me a weird look, one that I don't understand and starts talking.

"We were neighbors. Not like you and Edward. Char's house was right next to mine, we used to talk from our windows…I don't know how we went from friends to a couple. We were kids, I mean, you know kids…our first kiss was when were like eight or something…and it just went from there…but then we had to move here…and I had to leave her…it was the worst timing ever. Her dad had left, she was scared and sad and…she needed me. And I left." His voice sounds different. It's like he's talking about a Goddess, someone who deserves adoration. He's sad as he tells me all of this. I can see he feels guilty about coming here. I can see he misses her. I can see he loves her. My heart breaks for him.

After a few minutes of silence, he starts talking again.

"I went back that summer, the summer after I moved here before I started my freshman year, to see her. We had sex that night…we wanted to be each other's firsts everything…so…" He shrugs and trails off like I'm supposed to fill in the rest.

"Why…why do I remind you of her?" I ask, my voice soft.

"I can't put my finger on it. I remember how full of light she was when we were kids, how much energy she had…yet the last time I saw her before coming here, she was so broken, so full of despair, like the life had been sucked out of her. Then the first girl I see when I get here has the same kind of sadness in her eyes…you…" I feel the tears forming in my eyes so I take a shaky breath to try to calm down. But he keeps talking, and the words hit me. I'm not strong enough to stop them.

"The minute I saw you I felt your pain…I noticed right away you had gone through something worse than Charlotte. That same day, I saw you with Cullen… I saw how he went out of his way to make you smile, and how your eyes would light up the tiniest bit. I knew right away you were in love with him…even if you didn't know it yet…even if you didn't have the energy or the time to put a name to that feeling. I felt so jealous, because he was doing what I couldn't do for Charlotte…he was being _there _for you…"

I'm crying big salty tears. I can't stop them. This is why I can't let myself think about that summer. I feel like a piece of me died with my mom. My family died with her. And I'm crying…I'm crying so hard because I never allow myself to do so. Because if I stop only a moment to think about what I lost, what I could have right now and compare it to what I have instead, I don't think I'd ever go out of my room.

I don't remember seeing Peter when he arrived into town. But I guess I don't remember much from that time.

Peter has me wrapped in his arms, whispering words of comfort, saying that it's okay to cry…that it's okay to feel sad, or angry, or upset. His words remind me of Edward. Not because everything reminds me of Edward but because I've been here before. Those same words have been whispered in my ears by a younger, scared boy who tried to make it okay for me. I remember Edward crying with me that day at the hospital. I remember him burying my face in his chest when they took my mom out of her room and to the morgue. I remember him holding my pinky during the funeral…I remember him going into my bedroom some nights to hold me until I fell asleep.

And I love him. I love him for being there for me…I love him for being my best friend, for proving himself when I needed him the most. I love him because he's a part of me, because I can't think of a happy memory without somehow including him. I love him for making my days easier, one way or another. I love him for being silly, and cocky, and introducing me to music, and sharing my love for books.

I love him almost as much as I hate him.

I hate him for making me fall in love with him. I hate him for proposing that stupid deal about being someone else. I hate him because I'd do anything he asks, and I guess that's why I'm in this position in the first place. I hate him for being a man-whore and making it look like it's all a part of his fake persona. I hate him for not realizing how much he has hurt me. I hate him because he's the reason I can't completely enjoy my relationship with Peter.

"I'm in love with Edward, Peter. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." I'm a blubbering mess and I'm not sure if he understands what I'm saying but I keep talking through hiccups and sniffs. "I tried, I really tried, I wanted to be okay with you, but I can't…I love him…and you love Charlotte, and I miss my mom, and my dad…and I hate Tanya, and I wish you weren't so nice to me, because I feel so bad. I'm a mess Peter, I'm such a mess." His strong arms are holding me so tight I'm surprised he hasn't broken my bones. He kisses the top of my head and rocks me back and forth, trying to soothe me. We stay like that for what feels like forever, but he doesn't move and neither do I.

"Swan…I think I should get you home." He whispers eventually. I nod against his chest but stay put. He gets up with me in his arms, and I hear his muscles crack from being in the same position for so long. I hold tightly to him because I don't feel strong enough to stand on my own. At the same time, I feel a bit liberated…like I needed this. Like all those feelings, all those tears, needed to come out.

I feel clean.

Peter coaxes me to put the rest of my clothes back on and drives me home. He holds my hand the entire drive and plays soft music in the background. He tells me I need to talk to my dad. He tells me I need to talk to Edward. He says he understands. He says we shouldn't be together. He tells me he wants to go visit Charlotte. I nod at him because he's right. I nod because I just want to get home and curl up in my bed in my pajamas.

When we get to my house he parks the car and turns off the engine. He faces me and I know he's not staying. I'm glad. I want to be alone.

He takes my hands in his and forces me to look at him.

"You need to be strong Swan. I know you can. You need to stop being the fake girl you are in school. You need to tell Tanya to go fuck herself. You need to start living again. I know I'm not going to be the person standing next to you when you do it…I know you want Cullen for that…so stop wasting time, okay?" The tears in my eyes form again, and they fall as I nod at his words. Not just because…I nod because he's right and I'm listening to his words. They're sinking in. They're touching a place in my soul.

"Thank you…for everything." I manage to get out before pecking him on the lips and getting out of the car.

I can't give a name to all the emotions I'm feeling inside me right now…It's just too much. But this time, instead of shoving it all away, to a dark corner, I allow myself to feel it for the first time.

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><p>"Bells?" My dad whispers from the couch as I enter the house as quietly as I can. It's already late…apparently I spent more time than I was aware of at Peter's. I'm surprised to see my father here…he's usually working, or sleeping…<p>

"Dad?" I answer in the same low voice he used. I make my way to the living room and sit next to him. He gives me a tired look and sighs slowly.

"Where've you been?" He asks me.

"At a friend's house."

"The Cullen's?" He asks because I guess he thinks they're the only people I know. I shake my head and leave it at that. "You shouldn't be home so late…it's a school night." He tells me, and I start to laugh. I can't help it. It sounds so foreign coming out of his lips. It sounds like a joke that's meant to be funny but it isn't, so it finally ends up being funny.

He doesn't seem annoyed by my disrespectful laughter, he's just sitting there, looking at me, pretending to care.

"I'll remember that next time you want to play dad…now if you'll excuse me…I'm going to bed." I finally say, as I run to the stairs. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't do anything. So I get to my bedroom, change into comfortable clothes and cry myself to sleep.

I wake up the next day with my head pounding and my body aching. I see it's too bright outside, so I realize I'm too late for school. Just as well…I wasn't planning on going anyway. Once downstairs, I eat some cereal for breakfast, though I can't taste any of it. My stomach is in knots. I feel like throwing up.

I clean the house, take a shower, and change into another pair of pajamas. It's only one o'clock by the time I'm done, but I'm still feeling like crap. I decide to skip lunch and go back to bed.

The next time I wake up, it's raining. Pouring. It's only three in the afternoon, but it looks like it's midnight. As soon as I notice the rain, I get chilly. I hunt down sweatshirts and socks to warm myself up.

I call Charlie, because no matter what, he's my father. I love him, and I'm worried he's out there in this weather. He doesn't answer so I leave a message. I say I'm sorry. I say I want him to come home. I hang up when my voice starts to crack at the end.

This is the problem with feelings and emotions and all that crap. As soon as you open yourself up to them you can't control yourself. It's like when you make a bubble with your gum. You let it get bigger and bigger, you can't stop yourself... until it explodes in your face, and then you're icky and sticky…and when you try to clean yourself up, you end up making a bigger mess.

Yeah, that's how it is.

I opened the gates and now, I can't stop. Everything makes me cry. Everything hurts. I try to go back to how I was, feeling numb, and I can't for the life of me figure out how I did it. How did I manage? Why did I do that to myself? Right now, I'm not sure which was better, having all these feelings, or feeling nothing at all...

A loud thunders roars outside and I jump. I start to collect lighters and candles because I know it's only a matter of time before the electricity goes out. I'm making my way back to the living room, stocked on what I need, when a different sound scares me.

Someone's knocking.

I walk to the front door and look through the peephole. It's Edward. Of course. He's soaking wet in his favorite black hoodie, jeans and sneakers. I open the door frantically and throw myself in his arms.

"Thank God." He breathes as he hugs me. His body is freezing, but I'm burning up. His touch is fire. Scorching fire. He feels like happiness. He feels like comfort. He feels like love.

He's walking us inside and I know it's because of the rain, but I don't cooperate. Instead I just hold him, arms around his neck, face buried in his chest. I feel him kiss the top of my head and that one kiss makes itself known to the deepest parts of my soul.

He closes the door with his feet, still holding tightly to my waist. We stand like that for a few more minutes before he steps away from my embrace.

"Bella, Bella…Whitlock said you weren't feeling well. What's wrong? Are you sick?" He looks me up and down, he studies me, he checks for a fever… he looks serious and concerned. He would make a great doctor. When he touches my forehead I shiver. His hands are so cold. And yet, he's worried about me. He's checking to see if I'm okay. How can I not love him?

"You look fine…you're a little warm but you're wearing all those clothes, so…" He says eventually, still with a serious face. It makes me smile.

"Thank you Doctor Edward." I tell him, aware that calling him Doctor Cullen wouldn't have the reaction I want. He grins at me and ruffles my hair, before pulling me into another bone-breaking, hug. It's more than the reaction I wanted. It's everything.

"You're silly and I swear you just live to drive me insane, but God…I don't know what I'd do without you…" He says against my neck. His breath makes my skin break into goose bumps. I soak up his words. I let them wash away my pain. I let him make me feel better. I let him and his presence consume me. No room for tears, or sadness, or questioning…Just him and his blinding light.

"Bella…I can't feel my toes anymore." He says eventually. I jump into action and look for some clean, warm clothes.

We settle in my living room after he's changed. He puts his arm around me and shares the blanket I brought him. My skin is buzzing, my heart is racing, my mind is an uncoordinated disaster.

"Talk to me, Bella…please…" Edward tells me and I realize it's been an hour since he got here. I'm surprised the power is still on…

I shrug.

"Bella…" He groans, knowing that I'm stubborn and that it usually takes me awhile to say what's on my mind.

"I miss my mom." I say in the smallest voice ever. He nods and pulls me even closer to him. "I miss my dad…I miss having a family…I miss…you." I continue.

"I know…I wish…I'm sorry…I wish I could make things better for you…I wish that you didn't have to go through this…" His voice is filled with pain and guilt. He's talking like Peter talked about Charlotte and I wonder…could he? Could he feel that way about me?

"You do…make it better…a bit…but I think…I think I need to feel this. I think I need to feel sad without trying to fix it with silly stuff…look where that got me…" I say referring to my miserable high school life.

"How can you stand me Bella, really? How can you still be my friend after everything I've put you through? Why…why do you do it? Because let's face it, I know I don't deserve it, I know I'm the worst friend ever…and yet…why?" He throws his questions out and each one pushes me closer to blurt it all out…to tell him.

"Are you saying you wouldn't forgive me if the situation was reversed?" I sidetrack. He looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Of course I would!" He replies.

"Why?" I counter. He doesn't answer but his eyes are speaking. He looks so troubled and uncertain. He wants to answer me, but there's something stopping him. I wonder what.

After a few minutes of silence, he kisses my cheek softly. I intend to ask him again, but I fall asleep in his arms instead.

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><p><strong>There you have it. Did you like it? Thoughts? Leave a lovely review and tell me.<strong>

**Thank you, once again, for the amazing response. You guys make me smile.**

**I hope you're pleased with the updates schedule, I'm trying really hard to stick**

**to the weekly updates, so hopefully next Wednesday you will have another one.**

**Anyway, much love from my side. **

_**Till next time.**_


	14. Turning Page

**SM owns. **

**Thank You to the lovely-loveliest girls: Mari & Sunflower Fanfiction**

**for making these words flow way better.**

**Sorry for the delay. I know it must be Wednesday somewhere, so...here it is.**

**Enjoy.**

**The name and the quote for this chapter come from the song Turning Page by Sleeping At Last, from**

**the soundtrack of Breaking Dawn Part I. (LOVE THIS SONG!)**

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><p><strong>Chapter 14: Turning Page<strong>

"_Your love is my turning page__. __Only the sweetest words remain.__  
><em>_Every kiss is a cursive line__. __Every touch is a redefining phrase." _

_Turning Page, Sleeping At Last. ~_

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><p>Comfort.<p>

Happiness.

Heaven.

I don't know how it happened, but I woke up to Edward's body tangled with mine on my couch. I've been awake for a few minutes, just enjoying this surreal moment. His chest is hard but it's the most comfortable pillow I've ever had. He's so warm. He feels so wonderful. I'm so happy I get to enjoy this peaceful moment. However, reality calls, literally. The house phone rings and it wakes up Edward and makes me bolt from his arms.

I don't even know when I crossed the room. I just know that I'm in front of the phone while Edward is sitting on the couch rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hello?" I answer before I get too distracted by the boy staring at me across the room. My voice is low, and weird…it feels like I haven't talked in years.

"Bella! Bella?" My dad shouts at me. His voice sounds far away, and there are so many noises going on in the background, that I can hardly hear him, but I can tell he's shouting.

"Yeah? It's me." I feel relief in my voice.

"Bella! I'm stuck at the police station! There's been a flood…are you okay?" He's still shouting, and I can tell he's stressed out, but I'm smiling. I'm smiling like a little girl who has been given the prettiest present. He's worried about me. He's calling to make sure I'm okay.

"I'm fine. Edward's here….are you okay?" I ask shyly.

"Everything's fine…I have to go now Bella! I'll call later…" He keeps shouting and I can hear people calling his name in the background. I whisper a quiet goodbye and hang up. My chest feels ten times lighter.

It's not raining as much as it was yesterday, but it's still raining. The temperature is still low. I shiver when I notice it.

"Hi…" I hear Edward say in front of me, his hair is crazier than usual and his eyes are so green this morning. Today, they are not a storm, they're the sun that's missing outside.

"Hey," I say, "That was Charlie." I answer his unspoken question. He nods at me and smiles, because he knows. He knows what that call meant to me. "He's okay, stuck at the police station…a flood…" I ramble looking down to my sock-covered feet.

"Are you going to let me _ask _a question today or are you just going to pick them out from my brain?" He jokes, coming closer to me and searching my eyes. I smile, pretty smug that I, too, know him well.

"No, no questions allowed for you today…" I joke. "And yes, your strawberry pop tarts are still where you hid them…" I say, when he opens his mouth to speak again. He smirks at me and shakes his head.

"You know me well." He says.

"You're just predictable."

"Are you saying I'm boring?" He asks with mock hurt in his tone, placing his hand over his heart. I shrug.

We banter back and forth and make our way to the kitchen to have some breakfast. Our conversation feels so light, so playful and innocent. But I still feel his body all over mine. I still tingle from waking up on top of him. My cheeks start to pink a bit at the thought of it.

"Hey…" Edward says, touching his foot to the back of my chair. He's sitting in his usual spot on top of the counter, while I sit in front of him in a chair. My chair is sideways, so that I can look at him.

"What?"

He gets quiet for a moment. He looks embarrassed and uncomfortable all of sudden.

"What?" I ask again. He rubs the back of his neck, then tugs his hair.

"Um…did…did something…I mean…last night…uh, on the couch…and did I…and I mean…" he stutters and he's not making any sense. I have no idea what he's talking about.

However, I start placing the pieces together, his shy behavior, the couch…last night…I mean, we fell asleep together last night…. Oh!

"Edward…" I stop him, because during my musings he was still talking nonsense. "Are you talking about morning wood?" I ask with a serious face but inside I'm a combination of mortification, laughs and something else…

_Well this is embarrassing._

He chokes on his food and starts a coughing fit. "Jeez…since when are you so blunt?" He manages to get out after he gets himself together. His ears are still pink. He looks a bit flustered and a lot of adorable.

I guess being with Peter for a while made me blunt. He has no reservations about any subject…except Charlotte…

I shrug as a response to Edward's question. "Were you…talking about that?" My bravado is gone. I'm embarrassed now…But so is he, so I guess it's okay.

He nods.

"I didn't…I mean…I woke up and the phone rang, I mean, I didn't have time to…" Oh my God, someone kill me now. "I think this is the most awkward conversation I've ever had…" I mumble feeling mortified.

But then, I see a beginning of a smile in his face and I feel better.

"Worse than the time that teacher went on and on about sperm, and periods and hygiene?" He asks, referring to one of the last goodbye-middle-school-talk they gave us. I laugh, remembering.

"Well…nothing will ever top _that…_" I shake my head and shudder. Honestly, that was the most awkward conversation ever. He laughs at my reaction and then gets serious. His ears are pink again.

"Anyway, I was just…y'know…making sure…'cause I don't want Whitlock to strangle me or anything…" He says eventually, looking everywhere but at me. My heart stops at the mention of Peter's name. Only now, I remember Edward doesn't know about what happened yesterday.

"Um…" I start.

"Where is he by the way? Why isn't he here with you?" Edward interrupts me with his questions. Now he looks at me. He looks upset.

"Edward…" I start again, but he cuts me off.

"I'm not trying to be nasty or anything, but if he's your boyfriend and you're sick, shouldn't he be here taking care of you?" His words don't sound nasty, but I know he's scared of hurting me so he makes sure I know he's not trying to be mean.

"Edw-" I try to get him to shut up. I can't though, he talks over my voice. He's on a roll, pacing in the small space of my kitchen, talking like Alice does when she gets excited.

"I know this weather is a bitch but it's no excuse…what if I hadn't come? You'd be all alone in this house? That doesn't seem fair. He should've come. You deserve for him to look out for you and, again, I'm not trying to instigate a fight, I'm just saying…" I don't know why he's rambling. I don't know if this is him just looking out for me, or if it's something else.

"Edward! I think…I think Peter and I broke up, okay?" I finally exclaim. He looks confused and out of sorts by my news. It's like he wasn't expecting to hear that at all. He stops his pacing directly in front of me.

"Oh…why?" He asks softly, looking deeply into my eyes.

"I guess…it wasn't going to work…" I avoid his eyes as I answer because really? What can I say? Because I'm in love with you? I don't see that happening. I look down at my feet for a while and then make my way to the kitchen door. The rain is not as strong, so I think I can manage to throw some garbage out. Or at least set it on the side of the house so it doesn't stink inside.

Edward follows me silently.

"Are you okay?" He asks over the sound of the rain while I reach as far as I can without getting wet to place the trash near the dumpster.

I take my time, elongating my body to complete the task at hand. I'm also avoiding his question, because honestly I'm not okay, but I don't know how to put my feelings into words right now. Edward finally has it with me ignoring him and reaches out in front of me, takes the trash from my hands and walks into the rain to dump it.

When he meets me back on the safety of the porch, he gives me a look. He wants an answer.

I take a deep breath.

"No." I whisper and let my body fall against the wall behind me.

"Did you fall in love with him?" His question is asked quietly, and it takes me completely by surprise. I feel my eyes sting with unshed tears. I'm so emotional about everything.

Things are so hard and complicated. Or at least they feel that way. Maybe I'm just weak. Or melodramatic. Either or.

I wish I would've fallen for Peter. I wish I would've tried harder. But is that really how falling in love is supposed to be? Forcing yourself to fall for someone is the way to go? Shouldn't it be easy? Shouldn't it come naturally? Shouldn't it be a combination of perfect little moments together? Like it happened with Edward…

I shake my head sadly. "There was no time…" I finally say in a meek voice, wiping away the only tear that managed to escape.

He's stays silent for a long time looking away from me. He even turns his body to face away from me. He watches the rain fall and breathes out steady, even breaths. He's life itself. Right here, right now…in silence, doing nothing but standing there…he's nature and peace and quiet storm and hot fire.

"People fall in love in a second, you don't even realize it has happened, until there you are, completely, insanely and irrationally in love with that person…" He says, surprising me, shocking me. He is facing me now, looking at me with his expressive green eyes, tattooing this moment, those word, to my soul.

"Are you, talking from experience?" I ask. He smiles a sad smile and shakes his head.

"Not really…I think, I think it's been years in the making, years of restraining, and trying to fight it…" His eyes, damn it, his eyes. The intensity of his stare, combine with his words…I'm not strong enough.

My body tingles all over and my heart races so fast. I'm stuck, prisoner to his voice and his eyes.

"What has?" I ask, finding strength somewhere inside me to push myself away from the wall and closer to him. He takes a step forward and he's right there. In my face, a breath away from me.

"This." He whispers before his lips collide with mine.

And there are no words. None. For this feeling, for this sensation, for this moment. It's passion and frustration, and hurt and everything rolled into one kiss. Suddenly his words make sense…suddenly life makes sense. It's like when you wait, and wait, and your wait has finally paid off. Like all that time spent waiting was just preparation for that wonderful moment.

Perfection exists and it does right here. In this beautiful boy who owns my heart. In this powerful kiss that shakes my entire life upside down. Perfection exists in the softness of his lips and the taste of his mouth. In the way his hands caress me with force and gentleness all at once. In the way I can feel his heart thumping in harmony with mine.

His lips own mine, they claim me. And mine respond, with a fervor I didn't know I had. My hands are gripping his hair while his hands move from my waist, to my neck, to the small of my back… There's so much desperation. It feels like we're running out of time. It feels like we have to get it all out now or we will never have this moment again.

Years of wanting to feel his skin this close to mine don't prepare me for the real thing. Nothing is worth comparing it to this feeling. Nothing is able to describe what I'm feeling right now.

He pushes me against the wall and kisses me deeper. My skin is on fire. The water in his clothes seeps through mine and they scorch me. In this moment, I'm alive.

In this moment, I forget my own name and where I am. In this moment, we are the only people in the world, in the universe. In this moment, I know, I'm irrevocably changed. This kiss is going to hunt me forever because it's ingrained in the deepest part of my soul. It's going to belong to me forever and it will be the best memory I've ever had.

I'm drowning in his touch.

I'm finally part of his passionate storm instead of just a victim of the chaos.

I'm consuming and licking and drinking his light and his energy.

I'm diving head first into this crazy all consuming feeling.

I'm dancing in the flames of this electrifying fire that's running through our skin.

I'm alive, for the first time in what feels like forever.

"Ask me to stop." He pants in between kisses. His voice is pained. His grip on me is strong.

"No." I breathe and kiss him back.

"Tell me this is wrong." He says as we stop for a second, but his lips are still touching mine.

"No." I shake my head to accentuate my words and grip his hair harder. His kisses move to my neck as he places his hands beside my head on the wall. His breathing is elaborate, like mine.

"Tell me I'm sick for wanting you so much." He tells me, his voice muffled by the skin of my neck where his head is resting.

"You're not." I whisper.

He grunts before punching the wall in frustration beside me and stepping away from me.

"Fuck!" He exclaims and starts pacing the small space. I'm not sure I understand this reaction. I'm not sure I understand anything anymore. The only thing I know is that my lips are burning and my skin is electrified.

"What is it?" I ask quietly, feeling insecure, my voice breaking.

"All this time…all this fucking time…I've been going out of my mind trying to not do what just happened…but I can't anymore, I can't." He's stepped out of our little comfort zone and is now getting soak by the rain. He grips his hair so forcefully it pains me. His words pain me.

"All this time?" I whisper baffled, before making my way to step in front of him. "Why didn't you say anything?" I ask with more force, shocked, confused, angry. The rain is so strong now it's actually hurting to stand under it. I don't care.

"You have no idea what I've gone through. I've been through hell, fighting this, fighting you and your perfection. It hasn't been easy, okay?" He shouts in my face, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me.

"And you think I've had it easy?" I scream back, pushing him away from me. "Do you think it has been any different for me? _I _have been through hell fighting _your _perfection. Watching you jump from girl to girl…" I punch his chest while my tears mix with the rain running through my face. He allows me to hit him for a few more seconds before grabbing both of my wrists and pulling me closer to him. Despite being difficult because of the rain, he searches my eyes before talking.

"They don't matter Bella…they were a band aid on a wound that needed stitches…" He tells me softly. I'm crying hard now and he hugs me tight to his chest.

His words don't make me feel better though. I'm raging. These are tears of frustration. How am I supposed to feel with all of this? Edward just basically told me he has had feelings for me for quite some time now. That he has been fighting these feelings. That he's been using, I guess, the girls at school. I don't know what I think about this.

On one side I'm completely disgusted by his behavior. I want to punch him for making me go through hell with all the jealousy and the rage about being just his friend. He could've saved me a lot of pain and nights without sleep if he had just said something before.

I mean, I know I didn't say anything either, but who are we kidding? Girls are not supposed to be the ones to do that. We can flirt. We can hint. We can suggest… But I don't think we should go for the whole thing.

_And you didn't do any of that. _

I snort through my tears because this is so not the time to have a silent argument with myself. I'm too conflicted right now.

I guess I also understand a bit why Edward never said anything. This kind of information is usually a breaking point in friendships. It either moves it to the next level or destroys it completely.

I wonder what our outcome will be. I've been so busy pining for Edward's love, that now that I think I have it, I don't know what I'll do with it.

"Bella, please, let's get inside." He croaks after a while, reminding me that all of these thoughts have been going on while he's crushing me to his chest under the freezing rain.

I untangle myself from his arms and run inside. Once there, both Edward and I make our way around the house searching for warm clothes and towels.

I lock myself in my bedroom to change and let myself fall to the floor in a heap of exhausted limbs. I can hear Edward moving methodically around the house. I rest my body against my door and let my head fall to the side, taking deep, even breaths.

It hurts to even blink, but this time, it hurts so good.

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><p><strong>There you have it. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>

**Let me know your thoughts! Leave a review. It's easier now. ;)**

**Also, thank you for being so kind and patient with this story. You guys are awesome.**

**By the way, Amelí, welcome aboard. xx**

**Next Wednesday we will have a new chapter up, hopefully.**

**Lots of love.**

_**Till next time. **_


	15. Necessary Words

**SM owns.**

**Thank you, Thank You, Thank you to my two awesome betas:**

**Mari and Sunflower Fiction. Thank you for the time you dedicate **

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**Now, enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 15: Necessary Words.<strong>

"_You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together._

_I've lick my wounds but I can't ever see them getting better._

_Something's gotta change. Things cannot stay the same."_

_Goodnight Goodnight, Maroon 5. ~_

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><p>"Please, open the door." He says for the hundredth time in a tired voice. I've been locked inside my room for a few hours now, not knowing how to deal with him.<p>

I don't answer his plea; I just don't open the door.

"Bella," His voice is soft and it does things to me. As much as I've been trying to think rationally about everything, I just end up picturing us together, kissing again. _Stupid hormones. _

"Damn it!" I hear him exclaim outside. I imagine he must be tugging his hair, annoyed and desperate. "This is exactly why. This is why I never said anything before. When I asked you if you were ready that day at the meadow to deal with us, I knew you weren't. I knew. I came so close to telling you that day! But I knew you would shut me down completely." His voice is raised, but instead of angry, he just sounds frustrated.

I think back to that day at the meadow, I think about his words and the passion behind them. I remember his jealousy over Peter, and now it does makes perfect sense. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I've been so blind. So stupid. I've been so ruled by my insecurities. I've never even considered a world where Edward could have feelings for me. Plus, some of his actions didn't exactly help.

"Please, Bella, I'm begging you, talk to me, please." Edward's voice sounds pained and defeated. I don't know why or how, but I'm on my feet, unlocking and opening the door softly, sticking my head outside my room. He's sitting on the floor beside my bedroom door. When he sees me he jumps to his feet, his eyes wild, relieved and frantic all at once. His hair is a mess.

"Be—" He starts but I cut him off with a motion with my hands.

"I need you to stop talking." I tell him in a monotone yet firm voice. He looks confused but nods sadly.

I make my way down the stairs and to the kitchen. Edward follows me silently but I can almost hear his brain going a mile a minute. He's biting his lip not to say anything. I reheat some leftovers and serve us both without a word. I sit and start eating, not really enjoying the food, while he stands awkwardly in front of the table, not sure of what to do. After taking a deep breath, he finally lowers himself to the chair and starts eating.

He eats completely different from me. He started chewing slowly, afraid of making hasty moves around me. Then, he begins to devour his food, moaning and closing his eyes, savoring the taste. I hide my smile behind a curtain of hair.

He serves himself another helping and I leave him to it. I wash my dishes and clean up after myself. The atmosphere feels so heavy. I feel weird.

While I dry the last of my utensils, Edward stands behind me and places his plate on the sink, encircling me by the waist, kind of. He's not really touching me. For a second I'm trapped between his body and the sink and my heart is already flying away from here.

"I'm going to wash mine, don't worry." He says before letting his arm fall slowly away. He's so close, his breath tickles the back of my neck and I shiver. I nod numbly at him, toweling the fork in my hands more than necessary.

I count to ten and when I think I'm safe I turn around. Counting to ten was not enough because I'm met by Edward's oversized, hoodie covered chest. I lose my footing and of course he grabs me. His strong hands grip my hipbone and I feel marked. I feel like if I were to look at my skin right now, it'd look red and burned with the shape of his fingers.

I breathe shaky breaths, as I just stand there. I think again how easy and clear it suddenly all seems. Now, I notice the way his eyes take me in, how they linger on my mouth as he licks his lips. Now, I see the way his eyes darken and his breaths falter. Now, it looks like all the signs are there, unrestrained, unashamed, all out in the open.

I feel the shift of his body, a tiny fraction closer to me, but it makes all the difference. Without thinking, I move backwards and he looks down at me confused. He shakes his head, as if to clear it, tugs his hair, and steps back.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, stepping even farther away from me.

"Are you really?" I ask, because those words don't mean much anymore. He flinches at my question, obviously hurt, but I don't care. I have so many unresolved feelings going on inside me right now. I need to let my anger and my frustrations out.

He takes a moment before answering but I can't deny the sincere quality of his voice when he answers.

"Yes, for a lot of things." He sighs, looking as frustrated as I feel, before dragging his hands down his face. "Things I can't even—I can't even begin to explain." He continues, walking towards my living room. I follow him and we sit on the couch where just last night he held me while I slept. Last night, the last time we were sitting on this couch, I didn't know what I know now. I didn't know how much I really need his body touching mine. I didn't know how his lips would feel on my own. I didn't know that maybe, he was thinking the same.

I curl into a small ball of insecurities, because this, this day, this conversation, feels so surreal to me. I feel like we're so close to dealing with something big, and maybe move on to better things, but I'm afraid it's just a dream, or a nightmare…we'll see.

"Tanya," I whisper when the silence stretches, because I can't not think about her and their relationship. If he has feelings for me, if he's had feelings for me all along, then why? Why is he always going back to her? Why can't he just stay away from her?

Edward sighs and looks at me with sad eyes before talking.

"Tanya is one of them, yes. But she's not the most important." His voice is slow and tired, but his eyes are as expressive as ever. I lift myself into a better sitting position and look at him for a few seconds, trying to make sense of his answer. What does he mean she's not the most important? What is?

"She's not?" I ask in a bit of a surprised tone, and he shakes his head. "She's kind of a big deal to me." I murmur in a quieter one. He inches closer to me and takes my hand in his. His long fingers rub my knuckles softly, making my skin break into goose bumps. He notices.

He looks down at our joined hands and shakes his head again, before exhaling a long and slow breath. "She's not," He starts, his fingers playing with mine. "I know how I acted, and some of the things I did that may have made her a bigger deal than she actually was, but she isn't." He's looking at me now, begging me with his eyes to trust his words, to believe him.

But I can't. It doesn't work that way. I'm in love with him, and I may be blindly in love with him, but I'm hurt. And I'm tired of hurting all the time. I'm tired of letting things go without dealing with them.

I shake my head at his words and take my hand away from his grasp. The look on his face breaks me. He stands up. He paces for a few minutes, muttering some curses under his breath and manhandling his hair. All of a sudden, he stops abruptly and sits down next to me, only to stand up again.

"Don't you see, Bella?" He asks me in an exasperated voice looking down on me. "How fucked up all of this is?" He continues. I stay silent. "You've been like a sister to me, we grew up together, I wasn't supposed to fantasize about having you 24/7. I wasn't supposed to feel like this about you. I wasn't supposed to lose my mind when I'm not around you…" The pain in his voice is so palpable, so raw. I see the turmoil and conflict in his eyes and I wonder if maybe, he's had it as bad as I have all along. Or maybe even worse.

I came to terms with the fact I fell for my best friend rather quickly. I was angrier at myself about being so cliché, than I was for actually having feelings for him. I was angry that I may have ruined our friendship, because my feelings were always getting in the way. I never, not even once, thought about how this is Edward, the guy I grew up with. The guy both of my parents used to trust with my life, because he was just like a brother. He's the guy that saw me in my underwear when we were kids more times than I can count.

I never thought about how, in an idealistic world, I would've been his best man one day at his wedding, and he would've been my maid of honor, no question. I guess he has a right to feel conflicted about it. Maybe. I don't know. What's the right reaction to these things? Is there a book somewhere I haven't heard of? Are there some steps that need to be followed? The guide to deal with falling for your best friend, is there such a thing?

I guess we're both wrong and both right at the same time. Because there is no definite way to deal with feelings and crap, that's why I recoiled away from them for so long.

I stand up and he backs away from me. "Edward—" I start, because I want to calm him down a bit, he looks so agitated and we'll never get anywhere like this. But I can't do it. As soon as I say his name he's talking again, yelling over my voice.

"No! Shut up. You need to listen to me. I need to say this. I've wasted too much time." I hate seeing him like this, even though I'm sure the hopeless romantic silly girl inside me is dying to hear what he has to say. However, I don't like the way he's pulling at his hair every 2.5 seconds. I don't like the way his eyes can't focus on one thing, and how he can't seem to be still.

I need him cool and collected like he always is. I, in a way, need to know that he's able to keep calm for the both of us, and that things will work out okay. But this, this frantic, crazed person in front of me, makes me feel worried and hopeless.

"You became everything, okay?" He kind of screams at me. He's in my face again, and his eyes _are _looking at me, right at me, right through me. "Everything…" He lowers his voice to a sweet whisper and I swear I feel it, his voice, caressing my skin. "And it was too much. I wasn't ready to deal with it all. I fought it the only way I knew how. It ended up hurting you, but I didn't know, Bella. I didn't know you could…see me, want me, feel about me, the way I did about you. It doesn't make sense." He sits back down looking defeated.

His words, the sentiment behind it, I get it. I understand him, because I know him. I know Edward is the most generous, giving, grateful, warm and loving person there is. It's why I felt in love with him. I know he wouldn't do things to hurt me on purpose.

I know.

"Does it have to? Make sense, I mean…" I ask out loud, but I didn't intent to. The little, timid smile that question earned me, makes me not regret it. He shakes his head.

I smile a little, timid smile of my own.

"I don't deserve you." He says after a few minutes of silence. I sigh and sit down next to him.

"Why would you sleep around with so many girls, Edward?" I ask, frustrated, because I don't think we'd be having this conversation if he hadn't. "Do you know how much that hurt me?" My voice shows just how hurt I've been. I'm almost crying.

"No, Bella." He shakes his head rapidly. "I _don't _know how much it hurt you. I never did, because we never talked about stuff like that. You never told me anything." I can feel the light current of annoyance in his voice.

"If you had feelings for me—" I start but he cuts me off.

"I _have _feelings for you!" He screams and stands up.

"Then you shouldn't have slept with them!" I scream back. My heart is racing and I think I'm starting to shake. What a day. What a rollercoaster.

I'm so mad right now. If Edward hadn't slept with everyone in our school we'd probably be making out right now. But no, I have to waste more time in stupid arguments because my stupid brain is in the way. My heart and my body are all screaming, shouting at me to just sit in Edward's lap and kiss him till the sun comes up. But my brain is stopping me.

"Do you think I don't know that?" He yells, but not at me. I think he's talking to himself. He's pacing again. "Do you think I don't beat myself up for that on a daily basis?" He's not screaming anymore. His voice is barely a whisper. He stops his pacing, facing a wall and rests his head on it. I see his chest moving as he breathes slowly in and out. Several minutes passes and he doesn't move.

"What's next?" I ask him as he finally turns around and faces me. "You kiss me and then what? We go back to school and keep on pretending to be someone we're not? Is that what you want?"

"No! Damn it! No, Bella, that's not even remotely close to what I want!" I flinch at his tone, because he's back to screaming.

"What do you want?" I wonder out loud, because I really don't even know where this conversation is going.

He sits back down, next to me, and takes my hand in his. He takes a deep breath and searches my eyes. His voice is so full of calm now, that it's amazing he's the same person that was screaming just a few seconds ago. "I just want—I just need you. Anything you can give me. Any part of you that you're willing to share with me. You can give me your hate, or your love, your friendship or something more…anything. Anything is better than nothing at all." His head falls to my shoulder and I let it stay there.

I let him take deep breaths of my skin and run his nose along my neck. I shiver and run my fingers through his hair, taming it a bit and adoring its softness. We stay like this for a moment, just enjoying each other, I guess. It feels amazing. It calms and soothes me.

This is what _I _want. This peace. This silence. This feeling of knowing I can touch him whenever I want, wherever I want. This sensation of knowing I'm not hiding anything, that I'm being myself.

"I can't…I can't keep pretending." I start. He looks up at me and sits straighter, but doesn't let go of my hand. His green eyes look at me like I'm the only person that's ever existed. I have his full attention. "I'm going to quit the cheerleading squad, and I'm going to get away from the popular kids. I can't do it anymore." I finish. He nods and sits crossed legged on the couch, facing me, my hand still tightly grasped in his.

"Okay. You quit the cheerleading squad and I quit the football team." He says firmly, before kissing my knuckles lightly. I soar.

"You don't have to…" I trail off, because I don't know how much things will change for him if he quits the football team. I mean, I'm sure his dad must have an opinion about it. Or, I don't know…

"Yes, I do." He interrupts my line of thought. "If I'm going to try to be even remotely worthy of you, I do." He kisses my hand again and lets his lips linger on my skin.

I realize that yes, he does. If we're going to try to be something, anything, friends or otherwise, he does need to quit the football team. He needs to be the Edward I fell in love with both inside and outside of school or I'm going to end up hating him.

"Okay." I concede with a small smile.

"Okay." He agrees with a mega one.

* * *

><p>My dad arrives later that evening while Edward and I are watching the rain fall. We haven't talked much after we agreed on quitting everything at school, and we haven't kissed again, either. Although the way his body inches closer to mine with every passing second doesn't make abstinence easier.<p>

Ever since we kissed earlier in the day my lips are dry. It feels like I've been living in a dessert and his lips were that delicious, thirst-quenching water I've been deprived off. I just want to kiss him again. I know we shouldn't. I know things are not clear, not really. I know that if I kiss him now, I won't want to stop…ever. So I don't kiss him. I just sit next to him, while his body warms mine just by being in such close proximity to me.

Charlie took a shower and is now rummaging through leftovers to find something to eat. It feels kind of weird having him here after everything that went on today. He and Edward talked a lot when he arrived. About sports, work, the weather and stuff. It was confusing. It made me wonder if maybe I should try harder to have a relationship with my father.

I mean, he's the grown up and he doesn't really try, but I could. I should cut him some slack. I vow to try harder.

At around 10:00 pm, Edward decides to leave, when the rain has stopped some. I walk him to the door and tell him I'll see him tomorrow. There's a bit of an awkward silence while we both look at each other expectantly, not knowing how to proceed.

After a few seconds of doubt, I see his determination as he leans down and pecks my lips before turning around and jogging to his house.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day.

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><p><strong>Well, my lovelies, there you have it.<strong>

**Hope you liked it. Let me know.**

**Thank you for everything!**

_**Till next time.**_


	16. One, Two, Three: Go!

**Do you guys really need me to say it? SM owns. You know the deal. This is fanfiction.**

**Thank you to Mari and Sunflower Fanfiction. You make me feel stupid because you're both**

**so smart. -hugs-**

**Bruja, Happy Birthday, sort of. This is for you. I love you like screaming out our favorite rock song.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 16: One, Two, Three: Go!<strong>

"_The hardest battle you're going to fight is the battle to be just you."_

_Leo F. Bucaglia. ~_

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><p>"What the hell were you thinking?!"<p>

I flinch at the roar behind me. Strange noises sound after the loud voice. I hug my knees and rest my head in them.

This has been going on for the past twenty minutes. Doctor Almighty Cullen has been screaming at Edward while I wait for him to come out to the backyard. I yawn tiredly while more noises erupt from the house.

I feel exhausted. It's been a draining day.

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><p><em>Earlier in the day. <em>

"I have to go directly to the coach, and probably the principal, if I want to quit." Edward tells me when we get to school, extra early, like we used to. I face him in my seat and nod at what he just told me.

"I just have to talk to Tanya."

""I have a feeling that's going to be harder." He snorts, knowing what I'm about to face. "Are you sure you don't want me to be there?" He asks, for what feels like the hundredth time this morning. I shake my head. I don't want him to be there. I don't want to feel like I'm doing this for him. This, quitting the cheerleaders, is all about me. I want to do it. I need to do it. It's my business and I'm going to face it alone.

I'm strong enough.

I know.

I don't know what rock I've been living under, but now I know.

I admit that knowing Edward has feelings for me has made me feel stronger. Love does that, right? I shake my head at myself, because I'm not doing this for Edward or because of Edward. This is about me.

Edward takes my hand in his and gives it a squeeze. It's reassuring. But it's also weird. He's held my hand before. However, now, everything he does feels different. Everything has another meaning. His fingers linger on my skin before retreating. It's a teasing touch, sensual. It's definitely not friendly. It makes my heart race.

"This is a weird day to do this." I comment out loud, after a moment of silence. He faces me and locks his eyes with mine.

"What do you mean?" He asks, looking truly curious.

"I mean, it's Thursday. I miss two days of school and come back at the end of the week. That's stupid, right? I mean, most people pick Thursday to _skip _school, not to come back." I reason, or at least, it feels like a reason to me.

He laughs out loud, showing all of his white perfect teeth.

"What?" I ask exasperated. "It's true." He stops laughing and shrugs.

"You didn't miss two days of school. Yesterday classes were suspended because of the rain and stuff." He says.

"Yeah…" I mumble. "Anyway… in the end I don't care about which day I do this. I should've done it a long time ago." I say, and exhale a long breath. He flinches then gives a curt nod.

I sigh.

Are we ever going to be okay?

* * *

><p>The day drags. As I predicted, a lot of people skipped school today. The halls are mostly deserted. I guess I'm thankful for that. Less of an audience.<p>

Alice, Kate, and Irina tried to make conversation with me during the class we take together, but I just gave one word answers. They eventually gave up. When the class is over, I overhear Irina saying that Tanya was skipping second period, so I guess this is my time.

I'm so anxious to be done with this. It feels like a burden, and I want to get rid of it now. I have to tell her. I need to get the words out of my mouth.

_Tanya, I'm quitting the cheerleading team._

_T, I'm quitting the cheerleading squad._

_Tanya, I want to quit the cheerleading squad or team, __whatever__ you call it._

I practice in my head what I'm going to say while I search for her in her usual hiding places. There's a classroom on the third floor that's always empty and nobody walks by it. I'm checking that one first.

I mumble the words to myself over and over and each time I do my chest feels lighter.

How could I do this to myself? Why did I allow myself to be a prisoner of this? I wish I could blame anyone but myself, I wish I could blame Edward, but this is on me. I allowed myself to be in this position.

Edward planted the idea in my head, but I let it grow. I let it get out of hand. I could've screamed a big "fuck you" to Tanya the first time she tried to bend me to her will. I could've rebelled against all of it.

I guess I didn't have the energy to do it. It was easier, at the time, to just go with the flow. Plus, I wasn't in love with Edward…or didn't know I was. Whatever.

As I reach the third floor, I realize there are several empty classrooms. I check the closest ones first and then walk to the end of the hallway where I'm sure Tanya is.

Through the windows, I see Tanya's unmistakable blonde hair swirling in the air.

_What the hell is she doing?_

I get to the door, take a deep breath and open it. She stops whatever she was doing, completely surprised at my intrusion.

"Damn it Swan! You scared the hell out of me!" She pants out of breath.

"Sorry." I squeak out, and close the door behind me. She walks towards the dusty desk and retrieves a water bottle and a small towel. She takes a sip and dries her forehead. She was exercising. _Geez. Are you kidding me?_

"What's up? What are you doing here?" She asks in her fake calm tone. She's really asking, "What do you want? Why are you bothering me?"

I stay silent for a minute and she cleans a space on the desk and sits on top of it.

"I want to quit the cheerleading team." I finally say. "I'm quitting, I mean."

"What?" She snorts-laughs as if she can't believe it, then shakes her head in amusement.

"I'm not kidding." I say in a firm voice.

"Don't be stupid Swan." Her voice sounds final, like she's rejecting what I'm saying. I brace myself for a confrontation. I don't know if she notices, but she jumps off the desk and gives me a once over. Then, she asks, "What's this about?" and I think she realizes I'm serious.

Everything, I want to answer. I'm tired. I'm done. I'm frustrated. I don't like you. I'm in love with Edward. "Nothing, I just don't want to be in it anymore." I say instead.

She looks at me like I've lost my mind.

"You do realize what you're saying, right?" She says, coming closer to where I stand. "What you're giving up." She continues. I nod, never taking my eyes off her.

"Why would you want to quit? This is how it is, Swan. We're cheerleaders, we date guys from the football team, and we rule this school." I cringe at her words. This has been my world. This is the mantra I've been living in. I mean, talk about clichés.

She and all the words she just said are the biggest one.

"I know. The thing is…this has never been me. I don't want it. I don't want anything of what you just said."

She shakes her head again. "You don't know what you're talking about. Are you on drugs or something?" She's getting impatient with me, but so am I. She needs to get it.

"No, Tanya. What is so hard to understand about this? I'm quitting. No, I'm not kidding, or on drugs. _I just don't want to be a cheerleader anymore." _I say loud and clear, to see if she finally gets it.

"You're going to regret it." She says completely sure of herself. I smile and make my way to the door.

"I don't think so." I say and leave her to be.

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><p>By lunchtime, everybody knows I've quit and everybody is asking me about it. I just don't answer any of the questions. Kate, Tanya and Irina ignore me. Alice, Emmett and Edward are nowhere to be seen. Tyler and Ben give me weird looks as I enter the cafeteria. I search for Peter, but he's not in the room either.<p>

I feel everybody staring at me and I'm about to freak out, until I feel someone take my hand. Edward.

He drags me away from the cafeteria and we have lunch in the same empty classroom where I became a free girl once again just a short while ago.

We eat sitting on the floor while I tell him about how Tanya took it. He tells me he spent his entire third period locked in the Principal's office, explaining to the coach why he wanted to quit. They eventually understood that his heart wasn't in it anymore, and that passion is a key element in football.

He tells me he's lost a lot of the privileges that come with being a football player for this school.

"I don't care, you know? I feel so liberated. I thought…I mean, I guess I never realized just how much it affected me." He says, gesturing wildly. There's a different kind of brightness in his eyes again. It's blinding. It's dreamy. It's Heaven.

I nod and smile at what he says and we stay in comfortable silence until the bell rings and we leave for Biology together. Once in class, he moves his chair closer to mine. Closer than it already was. We don't talk, but it's okay. I feel okay.

* * *

><p>After Biology is over, Edward and I make our separate ways to different classes. When I get to mine, the classroom is a mess. The teacher called in sick and there's no substitute. I leave. I go to the third floor to hide and just relax for a bit. As soon as I step into the hallway, I hear it.<p>

"You did WHAT?!" Tanya screams. I walk to the door and rest my entire body against it.

"I quit the football team." He says coolly, calm, like it's no big deal and she isn't freaking out in front of him.

"What the hell? Why would you do that?" She asks angry and frustrated. "This is about her, isn't it?" She spits and I stiffen.

"Who?" I hear him ask.

"Swan! Who else?" Her tone gets worse with every word she says. I wonder why she thinks this is about me. I wonder if she's known something I haven't, all along.

"Bella has nothing to do with it." He says firmly. My breath gets labored.

"Oh! She's _Bella_ now?!" The way she says my nickname makes my blood boil. I want to kill her. I don't know if my reaction is enough to confront her, but it's enough to make me lose my footing and stumble into the room.

At first she's shocked by the commotion, but then she sees me. Her eyes lock on mine and if I thought she was angry before, I was mistaken. _This _is anger. This is hatred. The icy look on her blue eyes is chilling.

"You!" She says and pushes Edward out of the way. I stay put while she makes her way to me. "This is all your fault!" She yells as she walks, pushing chairs out of her way. How could I ever think she was beautiful? Right now, she looks like a monster.

"You did this!" She screams at the top of her lungs and for a moment I worry about someone listening.

"Tanya," Edward says and catches up to her before she reaches me. She faces him and pushes him away.

"I knew it! You've been fucking my boyfriend haven't you?!" Her voice gets louder. She's really losing it.

"I'm not your boyfriend!" Edward spats at the same time I say "I've never had sex with Edward. This is not what this is about."

"Bella, get out." Edward orders me, but I don't move. "Tanya, calm the fuck down." He says when he sees I'm not listening to him. She faces him, pushes him so hard on the chest that he stumbles a bit.

"Go fuck yourself Edward." She says as she walks out of the room.

* * *

><p>"You know what? I don't fucking care what you think!" Edward screams behind me, bringing me back to the present. I think this is the first time I've listened to him having a fight with his Dad, at least a fight this big. There's always some tension going on in that house. Always some weird looks that nobody gets, whispering, curses. It's a complex family.<p>

Edward and Dr. Cullen are always arguing about something. It always starts with something small and unimportant, until it becomes a heated battle of hidden meanings. I've witnessed a lot of that. But this, this chaos that's going on right now, I've never known it could get that bad.

I hear some doors closing loudly, some footsteps and then Edward is in front of me, pacing and tugging at his hair.

"C'mon." He says, and grabs my arm to pull me from the ground. I hastily manage to grab the blanket and follow him. We get inside his car and drive in tense silence for what feels like hours. It's only fifteen minutes.

"Can you believe him? I mean, fucking seriously. He was worried about me losing a football scholarship. As if he can't fucking pay for me to go to college!" He vents, punching the steering wheel, while we're parked in a deserted area I don't recognize.

"Does he really think I can't get into a good school without the football shit? I get straight fucking As! I'm good at other things." He goes on. I want to tell him that his dad doesn't know this. His dad thinks the only thing Edward is good at is football. But that's Edward's fault. He allowed him to believe that. I stay quiet though. I'm not sure he's expecting an answer.

"I wanted to punch him so bad, Bella. You have no idea. I came so close to just punching his stupid face." He sighs, and I think he's calmer now. I feel bad for him. And in a way, deep down inside, I feel guilty.

"Edw—" I start, but he cuts me off.

"Don't. Don't start. This is not your fault, okay? My dad's a dick. If I want to quit the fucking football team, I can quit the football team. It doesn't matter if it's because of me, or a girl, it shouldn't make a difference to him." He says, and I stay quiet for a few more minutes.

He breathes slowly in and out, gripping the wheel. He looks as if he's going to have a panic attack. With caution I place my hand on his back. He startles at the touch, but then relaxes when I start making circles.

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"We need to move past the I'm-sorry-part, you know?" I say. It's true. Today has been a long ass day. It's been both great and awful. It's time to move on.

"I feel like I will never stop feeling sorry for everything. I thought…I thought I was a better person, but I guess I'm just as fucked up as everyone else." I shake my head.

"You're not."

"I am." He continues.

"You've made mistakes. Everybody does. So have I." I reason. He faces me, grabs the hand that's still on his back and kisses my fingers.

"You're perfect." He whispers against my skin. I shudder.

"You know I'm not." I say in a breathy voice. This boy, he does things to me. Things that I can't explain. Things that are not reasonable or sane. I don't care. I don't care.

He stops kissing my hand and gives me a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry. I just…I can't stop touching you." He says shyly, and I think I die a little inside, from sweetness and happiness. Not from despair like other times. I give him a small smile. I want him to touch me. I want to touch him.

Not just these innocent touches, I want more. I want everything. I feel like I'm burning up every time I'm close to him. As much as I want to touch and kiss, and all, I'm tired. I yawn.

"It has been a long day. Let's take you home." He says, dropping my hand and turning the engine on. I nod at him.

"You know…today was just the beginning…of what's waiting for us. What we're about to face." I say trying not to doze off. He locks his eyes on me, so much going on in them. I can't identify all those feelings behind the green, but I know they're all strong.

His next words, though, are stronger. His next words are everything.

"As long as there's an _us_, I'm ready for anything."

* * *

><p><strong>There you have it. The style for this chapter was a bit different and hectic. I hope it wasn't a problem.<strong>

**It ended up being this way. I think it worked. What do YOU think?**

**I'm feeling a bit sick, so drop a review and make me smile and feel better. Is that blackmail of some sort? Don't care.**

**Love you all!**

**_Till next time._**


	17. Never Easy

**SM owns, this is fanfiction.**

****Thank you to Mari and Sunflower Fanfiction, you are both amazing.****

****Mari, I love you so much, I don't think you have a clue.****

****Thank you to everyone who's reading, reviewing, etc. You are all AWESOME.****

****Anyway, Enjoy.****

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17: Never Easy<strong>

"_...be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be." _

_Henry David Thoreau.~_

* * *

><p>"Why did we come to school today again?" I ask while I get comfortable in the car seat. Edward is searching for something to listen to on the radio. He's annoyed. He stops and looks at me before answering me. He does that a lot now. He always looks at me when he's going to answer a question or say something to me. I wonder why.<p>

"Because we're not cowards." He says, and returns to the task at hand, a lovely pout on his mouth because the signal sucks. "And because now that I'm not on the football team, I need to be more responsible with attendances or whatever…" He adds after he gives up on the radio, once again locking his eyes with mine.

"Right." I say and shrug.

"We can skip if you want." He says after a few seconds of silence. I shake my head and look at my awesome red converse. I smile. I can't remember the last time I wore them.

"Nah, let's just go in." I finally say to Edward with a small smile. He notices my mood and smiles back.

"How does it feel to have your Friday afternoons free?" His eyes are excited, kind, and warm. His voice is sweet.

"Amazing." I answer.

"What are you going to do?"

I haven't even thought about that. I don't care though. I just know that I don't have to be at cheerleading practice and that I'm happy about that.

"I don't know." Probably catch up on homework, or cleaning. I'm lame like that. But that's the beauty of it. I don't have to pretend to have exciting plans. I don't have to pretend to have cool hobbies or cool outings. I can do whatever the hell I want.

Edward stays silent for a few minutes, his face looking out the window. The light atmosphere that was present just seconds ago is gone. I see him taking deep breaths and I start to worry. When I'm about to ask what's wrong, he finally looks at me and speaks.

"Do you…um, want…like, I don't know, it's just an idea…I mean, you don't have to, but, um, we could…like, go somewhere…like out, I mean, like a date?" I'm shocked for so many reasons, but the first one has got to be his rambling mess. Edward is usually so confident. I'm used to seeing him at the top of his game all the time. Who would've thought it'd be so hard for him to ask me on a date.

His skin is flushed and he can't be still. He's so nervous it's adorable.

"I…" I start but he cuts me off.

"Forget it. It's too soon." His hands are in his hair and I can almost see him building a barrier between us. He's afraid of rejection. _Aren't we all? _

"Edward, chill." I say in a soothing voice and grab his hand. He flinches at the contact, as if surprised and looks down at our adjoining hands. I realize it's the first time I've done this, initiated it, since we talked about our feelings. "We can go out… I'd like that." I trail off. I'm not sure what are the right moves for us, considering how complicated everything is. So, I'm just going to go with the flow. He's asking me on a date. I want to go. I say yes. Plain and simple.

The smile he gives me is blinding.

"Yeah?" He asks looking right through me.

"Yeah." I say and squeeze his hand.

"Okay."

* * *

><p>My first class is awful. I'm the last one to enter the classroom so everyone turns to look at me. I feel their shock at my clothes, old jeans, old t-shirt, and old converse. Nothing fancy. Just me. The girls give me the once over and cringe. Guys don't even pay enough attention. It's like, suddenly, just because I'm not a cheerleader anymore, they're not attracted to me. It's silly and pathetic.<p>

The Blondie-Bunch is not in the room, so I take a bit of comfort in that. I make my way to my usual seat and place my book and notes on the desk. The teacher arrives, the class starts, it seems normal.

But while the teacher has his back to us, writing on the board, I hear the whispers.

"I heard she's the reason T and E broke up." Girl number one whispers in a gossip-y like voice. I cringe but keep on writing.

"They say they made her quit because she's a fuck up." Girl number two says in a louder tone. I keep writing.

"But what about the Whitlock guy?" Girl number three asks, sounding truly concerned. But I know better, and keep writing, and make a mental note to call Peter.

"He probably broke up with her because she was cheating." Girl number one takes the table again. I take a deep breath.

"What a slut." Girl number two mutters. I roll my eyes.

"And with one of her best friend's boyfriend? That's low." Girl number three adds, no concern in her voice this time. I keep writing, take deep breaths…

"I guess we know who the real bitch in that bunch is." Girl number one speaks again. I bite my tongue. I'm so close to turning around and smacking them all in the head. I'm also angry at myself for allowing myself to care. I knew there was a chance it was going to be like this.

I'm trying, really hard, not to give in. I know what they're doing, they want me to react. They want me to make a scene. They keep talking, snickering, and I keep taking deep breaths.

Just when I'm about to really lose it, someone speaks.

"Would you all shut the fuck up?" Rosalie Hale says, and they all shut up. I glance at her and she winks at me.

I think maybe it won't be so bad after all.

* * *

><p>"If they weren't girls, I'd be punching them." Edward says, taking a grape from my lunch. This time we're eating lunch inside his car. It's weird but fine at the same time.<p>

I shrug at his comment and eat a grape.

"Doesn't it bother you?" He asks me, giving me a peculiar look.

"Yeah…I guess, to some extent…just…not that much." I keep eating. I don't like admitting that it does bother me, no matter how little. It makes me feel bad about myself.

"You've always been the strongest person I know." He muses and gives me a small smile. I hide my face from him and mutter a quiet, "whatever."

He smiles bigger at my reaction before speaking. "And…you never really knew how to take compliments…" He ruffles my hair and I'm transported to the past, when I was a flat-chested little girl, who ignored every nice word that came out of Edward's lips.

Small details, _like your hair looks nice today Bella_, or _you smell nice_, or _your eyes look so much lighter when you wear blue_. Details that he always noticed and I always ignored. Compliments given with innocence and out of true friendship. Words that I treasured, that made me feel special, even though I didn't know what that feeling in my stomach was back then.

I shake my head and come back to the present.

"Shut up." I say to Edward and slap his hand away from my hair. He laughs and lets it rest on my neck. His fingers massage my skin, and I burn all over. He inches closer to me and whispers in my ear.

"We should work on that." He says and his breath bathes me. I'm floating. His fingers go to my hair. He gives a small pull and kisses my neck. My breathing gets labored, because anything he does gets that reaction out of me. My heart feels like it's exploding.

"Edward…" I say, not sure if this is right but not wanting him to stop.

"Because, I mean"… he starts and nuzzles my neck before speaking again. "You're gorgeous, and smart, and funny…" He whispers in my ear. "And so sexy, and considerate, and selfless, and beautiful…the list goes on…" He finishes, kissing my neck softly. Goose bumps rise all over my body and I feel like I just ran a marathon.

My face must be bright red and I turn it the other way. Edward retreats back to his seat but takes my hand in his. I give myself a few minutes to calm down. I can't help the smile forming on my face. I do control the stupid girly sigh that's threatening to escape my lips.

I face Edward and he gives me a shy glance.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, I'm just so…it's like…fuck." He stutters before letting go of my hand to tug on his hair.

"Tell me." I implore, because I want to know. I want to know what he goes through with all of this. I want to know if his brain is just as mushy as mine is when it comes to the two of us.

"It's like…you finally know. You finally know how much I want you, how much I need you…but just not because you know that, doesn't mean I can act on it. I have to earn it, and I keep forgetting about that…" He tells me and I guess I can see where he's coming from.

I don't even know what we are right now. We're more than friends, that much is obvious, but it's not like we're a couple yet. He feels like he can finally touch me the way he wants to, but not quite. It's a fine line we're walking.

Nothing is ever easy when it comes to us.

Nothing is easy because he had to go around and fuck with everybody.

"You do have to earn it." I say as that last thought made its way into my mind. He nods. "And that's why we're going on a date. That's your first test." I joke and wink at him to lighten the mood.

I don't think it worked.

In fact, I think I scared him.

* * *

><p>"This is huge, Izzy! This is so huge! Do you realize? It's huge!" Alice goes on and on while we walk together to the parking lot. The day is done and I didn't see the Blondie-Bunch at all today. Alice skipped, but made it just in time to go back to her house with her brother Emmett.<p>

We're currently talking about my date with Edward, and I confirm my theory that she's always known way too much for her—my own good.

I nod at her.

"You have no idea! If I had to keep on watching you two fighting over nonsense without getting to the real issue, I was going to kill myself. Or smack you both." She says as we stop next to Emmett's Jeep.

"What are you talking about?" I ask her confused.

"You know…you two were always fighting about some stupid, _unimportant_, shit…when what you both really wanted to do was scream at each other, hey, I'm sort of in love with you, let's fuck!" She screams the last part and I swear I want to punch her.

"Who's fucking who?" Of course Emmett will pick that moment to arrive, holding Rosalie's hand. She gives me a pleasant look and I respond with a small smile.

"Izzy and E." Alice answers.

Emmett opens the door, and tosses his things inside before talking.

"Thank fuck. It was about damn time." He says.

Oh great, so I guess everybody knew. Everybody always knew but us. Typical. I roll my eyes and say a quick goodbye to everyone when I see Edward making his way to his car.

"Hey," I say when he's within hearing distance. His face looks upset, but changes considerably when he sees me. I feel warm inside.

"Hey," he answers and takes my hand to walk the small distance to the car. We get inside and move right away.

"Is everything okay?" I ask concerned. He shakes his head. He's lying. "Come on, what is it?" I press. He sighs and shakes his head again. I cross my arms in front of me, and huff like a little girl.

"Don't be mad…I just…" He starts when he notices my sour mood.

"What?"

"I've been freaking out about our date…and…it's like…you're the only person I would talk about something like this…and I can't…so…it's weird." He says without taking a breath. He looks really flustered.

"Edward…I was joking earlier…about this being a test or whatever…it's just a date." I try to reason with him, but he's shaking his head before I'm even done.

"No, Bella, it's not just a date. It's _the _date. It's the night I have to prove to you that I want this, that I want you. That I'm willing to do anything for you, to wow you, to impress you. I want you to, fuck, I don't know…see the guy I really am, and forget about what I've done…." He finishes as he parks in front of my house.

I see him and his desperate green eyes and I don't understand. He's acting as if I don't know him. He's acting as if I'm not already head over heels in love with him.

"Edward, you know I…" I start but the sound of a honk behind us interrupts me.

"Fucking great," he mutters when he sees Peter's car. We both get out of the car.

Peter turns off his car and gets out, his hair is a mess and his clothes are rumpled. He doesn't look like the cool, collected guy I've always seen in school. I'm instantly worried.

"Peter!" I exclaim and meet him on the sidewalk. He receives me with a small, awkward hug and quiet hello.

"What's going on?"

"Um…Charlotte…she…she showed up at my place two nights ago…things are rough at home…she ran away…" He says in a distracted voice, playing with his keys on his hands. His usually centered eyes are sad and worried. My heart breaks for him.

"Oh my God," I whispered. This was out of the blue.

"Yeah…I need…I need clothes for her, and girl stuff…I don't know, I don't know who to ask…" He trails off. He's asking me for help and he's embarrassed about it.

"No, of course! I have stuff…come on…I'll prepare a bag." I say, and take his hand to lead him inside my house.

Edward is already inside. He used the hidden key and is eating a pop tart in the kitchen. He looks preoccupied. He startles when he sees us enter.

"What's going on?" He asks and I see his eyes flicker to Peter's hand in mine. I don't know why I do it, but I let go. Like an instinct.

"Peter needs my help with something, I…I'll be right back." I say and give them both a warning look. I expect them to behave.

I make my way to my room, and as soon as I get there I start looking for clothes. I don't know this girl, I don't know what she likes, or what her size is, but it doesn't matter. I bet she's not even worried about this. Peter, like the thoughtful guy he is, is worried about making her feel comfortable. That includes a clean change of clothes.

I pick a bunch of girly stuff I'm sure I won't ever use again, and some old t-shirt for her to sleep in. I'm not concentrating as much as I'd like with the task at hand. I'm worried about those two alone downstairs. So, when I think I have enough clothes picked out, I zip the bag and run to the kitchen.

I slow my running when I get closer, so they don't notice.

"It was never about me, Cullen, she's always been in love with you." I overhear Peter say, and I stop dead in my tracks. His voice sounds tired, like he's said that sentence too many times.

"I thought…I really thought she was happy with you." Edward says, and _his _voice sounds defeated.

"You've wasted so much time," Peter says, and I can imagine the look of annoyance in his face as he says this.

"I know…" Edward replies in a monotone voice. He really does. "Who's Charlotte?" He speaks again, and I know this is his way of ending that subject. For a minute I'm scared for him. It took some coercing on my part to get Peter to tell me about her. I don't think he's going to answer Edward just like that.

I'm afraid he may go into defensive mode. I get ready to step in and make myself known at the same time Peter begins to talk.

"My Bella." He whispers.

* * *

><p>"Swan, thank you so much for doing this." Peter says while we walk to his car.<p>

"No problem."

"So…you and Cullen are good, right?" He asks as we walk.

"We're getting there." I mumble and focus my eyes on my feet. Peter opens his car, places the bag inside and then comes to my side again.

"Chin up, Swan, things can only get better." He tells me and gives me a small smile. There are dark circles under his eyes and I wonder how his life has been these past couple of days.

"I'd like to meet her…if that's okay with you." I change the subject and he flinches but nods. We stand in awkward silence for a few seconds before he speaks.

"I should go."

I nod, we say a quick goodbye, and I watch him drive away to the girl he loves. I wish things were easier for them. I wish things were easier for all of us.

But this is how life is; we all have things to deal with. We all have issues and problems to overcome. We've all been hurt and we're all dealing with it in different ways.

After Peter leaves, I go back inside. Edward is sitting in the living room, his hands on his face. He looks up when I enter the room. I go and sit next to him.

"That was unexpected," I think out loud. Edward takes my hand in his and nods.

"What was that all about anyway?" He asks, sounding completely genuine. Maybe he and Peter didn't talk that much earlier. I shrug.

"I'm not sure, and it isn't my story to tell." He nods again.

"So, I was thinking…" He starts while he plays with my fingers. "…we should drive to the beach. We can make a picnic for dinner. Nobody is going to be there…" He trails off and I smile.

Driving to the beach sounds nice. Picnic on the beach with Edward sounds even better. I nod at him with my smile still in place. He looks up from our joined hands and gives me one of his perfect grins.

We stare at each other like the two stupid, hormone driven teenagers we are for a moment, before he stands up.

"I'll pick you up in, I don't know…two hours?" He says, and I nod.

Edward leaves and I munch on some food while I think about what to wear on our date.

I surprise myself with my vane, idle thoughts. They feel normal…like something any other girl my age would think about.

I'm not pretending anything. My thoughts don't feel tainted with wanting the approval from anyone else but myself. And this is what I wanted. This is what I craved for so long.

It's innocent, and sweet, and foolish, but I don't care.

It's me.

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><p><strong>There you have it! I feel like you guys got a bit of everything in this chapter!<strong>

**Edward and Bella, reality in school, Peter AND some Charlotte, there's going to be a date...**

**Wow, big chapter, right? Did you guys like it? What do you think?**

**Review.**

****_Till next time._****


	18. What Was Always There

**SM owns. **

**Thank you to Sunflower Fanfiction and my lovely fellow Rockstar Mari, **

**for being awesomely awesome. *mwah***

**I hope you like this chapter as much as I do.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 18: <strong>**What Was Always There.**

"_Sometimes new love comes between old friends. _

_Sometimes the best love was the one that was always there."_

_Unknown.~_

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><p>It's 5:10 in the afternoon. I know because I've been staring at the clock for the past half hour. I finished getting dressed at 4:40 and have been doing nothing but looking at the time ever since. Edward's supposed to arrive at 5:30. We were probably going to spend more time driving back and forth, than on the actual beach, but I don't care.<p>

I find myself being completely impatient. I want him to get here already. I'm so close to texting and telling him that he can come pick me up. A knock on my door prevents me from doing so. I half run to it and open it hastily.

It's 5:15 and he's here. He's fifteen minutes early. He's here wearing what seems to be brand new jeans, a blue t-shirt, and black and blue Nikes. His eyes look amazing, the blue of his shirt dancing with his natural green. I stare at them, at him, for what feels like forever before I'm able to speak.

"Hi." I manage to say, stepping aside to let him in.

"Hi." He says smiling shyly while he steps forward.

I close the door and turn around to face him. As he stands in the middle of the living room I notice he has a bag in his hands. I don't comment on it.

"You're early." I mentally roll my eyes at myself. _Obvious much? _He looks to the ground, and then shrugs. His hand, the one not holding the bag, goes to the back of his neck.

"I know." He says softly. "I-I kind of couldn't wait anymore." He admits, his ears pinking with embarrassment.

"That's okay." I assure him with a smile. "We can go now." I add, feeling extremely uncomfortable just standing here. I move to grab the little purse I'm taking while Edward stays put in the middle of the room. He's fidgeting.

I go to the door, ready to leave but he's still not moving. I turn around and question him with my eyes.

"Um," He starts. "I bought you this." He says taking a step towards me, holding the red bag out to me. I meet him halfway with a small smile and take it. I take a peek inside before deciding to open it. It's a small crystal ball with a blue frozen rose inside. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm in awe right now.

"I know you're not exactly a flowers kind of girl…so I thought…" He says and trails off. I'm nodding at him before he's even done. This is such a great gift. I love it.

"This is perfect, Edward." I say with all the honestly I can find to pour into my voice. I walk to him, and when I'm there, I stand on my toes and peck his cheek. "Thank you." I say and grab his hand to lead him out of the house.

He's shocked during this whole process.

* * *

><p>We're driving towards the beach with the windows down. The air is chilly, but it feels great against my skin. The iPod connected to the radio is playing a playlist Edward and I put together a while back. He's quiet but seems relaxed as he holds the steering wheel with one hand and rests the other next to his window.<p>

"I don't think I've ever been on a date." I think out loud when the thought dawns on me. Edward glances at me and chuckles.

"Me either." He says with a smile. I gape at him.

"You're kidding right?" I ask him shocked. That can't be true. "Tanya…" I start with a frown on my face. He shakes his head.

"Tanya and I never went out." He tells me. "It was all very, business like, I guess you could say." He continues, the smile gone from his face. "I don't know." He concludes, shrugging.

"Oh…" I mumble. He sighs an exasperated breath before talking again. He grips the wheel with both hands now.

"I don't know how I can assure you that she never meant anything to me, without sounding like a jerk and making things worse between us."

He's no longer relaxed and it saddens me. I don't want her to be a ghost in our relationship. I don't want our conversations to always end up being about her.

"Let's just not talk about her then." I state with a small smile, realizing I was the one who brought her up in the first place. He returns my smile with one of his own, and it really does feel like the world is a better place.

"Perfect. Let's talk about how beautiful you look." He says with a grin and a wink. I always wondered when I was going to experience this side of him; the charming one who gets away with murder. The ways my insides and lady parts respond to his flirty expression make me understand exactly why.

"Let's…not." I say, a bit nervous to be honest, and he laughs before ruffling my hair.

For some reason, it doesn't bother me the way it used to. Maybe it's because he then lets his arm rest behind me, occasionally playing with my hair for the rest of the drive.

* * *

><p>The beach is deserted and freezing cold. But what could I expect? Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Winter is coming, and to be honest our town always feels like the freaking North Pole. I don't care though. The cold is not a problem. Not only because Edward brought like a thousand blankets, including our black and white one; but because he has kept me under his warm arm the entire time.<p>

We walk around for a while, looking for a spot to sit until we find a perfect one under the dock.

We place two blankets down, one for us to sit on, and place our picnic on the other. We have two more wrapped around our shoulders.

We eat the sandwiches Edward made, along with some fruit and of course, pop tarts. He was very thoughtful. I told him so. He looked pleased.

We've talked about a bunch of stuff; music, books, movies, the usual. But we've also talked about his family, colleges, school, and our pasts…a little bit of everything.

I've never talked so much about my views on life and how it changed when my mother died. I've also never heard him talk about his relationship with his father and how it wasn't always like this. These subjects, we've always kind of known, but never really discussed them.

And tonight we did, and it didn't put a burden on our date. It was just us, talking.

But when the mood did get too heavy, we went back to music. I love talking about this with him. His eyes light up like fireworks and in this chilly night, they warm all of me.

"Mmm…I don't know." He says munching on a pop tart and playing with my fingers. We've also touched a lot tonight. "It's hard to pick just one song." He's been concentrating hard trying to answer my last question. I love the crease on his forehead and his perfect pout. I want to kiss it away but refrain.

"There must be a song that you love playing more than the others. There must be." I say with an easy smile, loving this. He sighs exasperated and shakes his head.

"I've never even asked myself that question. It's a sure headache." He tells me and faces me fully, sitting cross-legged in front of me. I mirror his position. His hand is still holding mine.

"I'll let you think about it then, for like a week." I proposition, tugging his fingers while looking at our hands.

"Fair enough." He agrees with a smile.

"And, you'll have to play it for me." I add.

He shakes his head. "Deal breaker."

"Why? Come on, it's only fair." I whine like a little girl. It's been forever since I've heard Edward play. At least with him openly knowing it. I've spied on him at school a few times. But it's still been forever.

"It's not." He denies, still shaking his head.

"Why don't you like to play for me?" I have always wondered about this but never asked. This time is as good as any to know.

"Because…" He starts, squeezing my hand harder. He looks to the crashing waves to avoid looking at me. I give him a moment before I grow impatient and tug on his hand to get his attention.

"Because…?" I prompt.

He lets go of my hand and runs it through his hair. He also takes a deep breath before answering.

"I feel like, your opinion is the only one that matters and it puts too much pressure on me." He says. "The thought of exposing myself like that to you, and that you may not like it…it's terrifying."

I'm completely shocked because he's being completely honest with this, and it doesn't make any sense.

"Edward, I've heard you play before. I already know you're great." I say. He's nuts. I take his hand in mine, to reassure him, and because I miss the contact.

"The last time you heard me play…" He starts, "I don't think I even knew what I felt for you. I remember being nervous," he smiles at the memory, "I pushed it away…but now…everything's different." He finally says, locking his eyes with mine. I feel his stare from the top of my head to my toes.

I nod.

"It does feel like everything's different." I finally say, my voice coming in a breathless whisper. He affects me so much. I don't think he knows to what extent. Especially when he inches closer to me and my heart flies off the Earth. Despite my body's reaction to his proximity, or maybe because of it, I inch closer to him as well.

Before we know it, we're so, so close. I have to look down because the intensity of his eyes being that close is unnerving. But it's also addictive because I can't not look at them. After a few seconds I look up again and I'm met with a kiss. It's a peck, a brush on the lips, a feather like touch. But it's enough to leave me breathless. It's enough to make its way into my soul.

"It's a good different, though." He says with a small smile on his lips. I can't help but return it.

"Yes, it is." I agree and with shaky hands and blushing cheeks, I grab his face and kiss him again.

* * *

><p>Who knew being young and in love could make you feel this good? I sure as hell didn't. Somewhere between my mother's death and my fake Bella act, I became a cynic, a pessimist. I gave up hope and beliefs about the happy things in life.<p>

Who knew my nights of despair and suffering for Edward would lead to this amazing feeling? Who knew days of watching him from afar would eventually pay off with his closeness? Again, not me.

This night feels pretty close to the best night of my life. This date sets the bar pretty high for future dates. Nothing has gone wrong. Nothing is missing. I'm in Heaven.

After I attacked Edward with my kisses, to which he responded with fervor, we decided to play a tickle war. We ran around the beach, laughing, joking, splashing each other lightly with the ice cold water. I've been _giggling _and it feels amazing.

I let him catch me and we kiss between laughs.

Just like the movies.

* * *

><p>"It's late, your dad's going to kill me." Edward says on the drive back. I snort at the mention of Charlie.<p>

"Charlie's probably not even home, Edward."

"I don't know if he's home or not, but I promised him I'd get you home at a decent hour." He says, pressing slightly on the accelerator.

Wait, what? What is he talking about? I look at him, or more like, I gape at him.

"You promised him, what? When? What are you talking about?" I'm completely lost as to what's going on right now. Edward just chuckles and tells me to calm down before talking.

"I ran into him while I was buying your gift. He asked me about it, I told him about our date, and he made me promise to get you home safe and sound, and early-ish. That's it. No need to freak out or anything." He explains calmly, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles.

I shake my head. I'm baffled.

"Listen," Edward starts, and squeezes my hand to try to get my attention. "I know you and your father are not…close or whatever, but he really cares about you and your wellbeing. I think he's just scared of approaching you, I don't know…I'm not an expert, but maybe…you should try approaching _him." _

"Edward…" I start but he cuts me off.

"No, don't. Let's not talk about this. I don't want to fight with you on our first date." He says and I nod, my mind going a mile a minute.

The rest of the drive is quiet and even thought it should be tense, it really isn't and for that I'm both glad and thankful.

When we get to my house, Edward retrieves my gift from the backseat and hands it to me. I almost forgot about it. In my rush to get out of the house earlier, I brought it with me. It stayed in the car during our date. I smile when I have it in my hands again. This is an amazing present.

We walk together to my door. I marvel at how normal it is; just a guy, walking his girl to her door at the end of their date. I smile. He notices and smiles back.

"I hope you had a good time, Bella." He says after we've reached the door. I step in front of him, turn around to face him and nod.

"I did."

"Thank you…for…giving me this chance." He tells me in a low voice. He looks shy as he says this. It still amazes me that he has trouble saying these things to me. I thought I was the only one.

"I'm really happy I did." I confess, because if this was truly a test, he aced this shit. He looks at me, a hint of a question in his eyes, his right eyebrow raised.

"Happy enough…to maybe do it again?" He asks with a small smile, taking my hand in his.

"Yes." I breathe.

"Yeah?" He plays with my fingers.

"Yeah." We inch closer to each other and kiss slowly, but firmly.

He whispers good night in my ear before walking away, and I sleep with the biggest smile on my face, and a lovely frozen blue flower looking at me from my nightstand.

* * *

><p>The next day, I sleep in. It's Saturday after all. For some strange reason, I can't shake the feeling that there's something different in the air. It feels like easier to breathe somehow. I shake my head at my silly thoughts.<p>

Before I get up from my bed, my cell phone chirps with an incoming text from Edward.

_Good morning. :) I just wanted to know if you're waking up this morning feeling as great as I do right now._

Is he some sort of psychic now? Or is this just the thing about couples? They're always in sync. Their minds, hearts and soul are connected by some otherworldly feeling that makes stuff like this happen.

I read his message for about the hundredth time, and each time I read it my heart skips and my mouth curls up involuntarily. After realizing it has been fifteen minutes since he's sent this, I finally compose a reply. Or better put, I finally start to write things on my phone only to delete them afterwards.

I have no idea what to write him back. Much debate later, I settle for:

_Morning. I gotta say, I am feeling pretty great right now. :)_

His response is immediate.

_You scared me._

I frown as I type.

_What do you mean? _

I bite my lip nervously as I wait for his answer.

_I thought you hadn't answered because you weren't feeling great and didn't know how to tell me._

I sigh.

_I just don't know how to tell you these things, how to be like this. _

His response is reassuring.

_We can learn together._

* * *

><p>Saturdays have always been cleaning day for me, so that's exactly what I spend my day doing. I clean the house with music blasting from my iPod and wearing cut offs and a tank top. I'm in such a good mood I'm amazed at myself. It feels alien to be this happy, like I forgot how to feel like this. I embrace the feeling instead of shying away from it like I would've done in the past.<p>

After I'm done with the cleaning, I decide to cook. I make lasagna and while it's in the oven, I sit in the living room with the book I have to make an essay about for school. My doorbell rings in that moment. I go and answer the door, confused because I'm not expecting anyone.

"Hey, I just—" Edward starts, but stops himself when he sees what I'm wearing. His eyes are glued to my legs and I can hear him swallowing loudly. I want to laugh at his reaction, but I'm mesmerized by the way he's looking at me.

Up until this moment, I had never seen Edward with so much want in his face. His green eyes are hooded and I can almost feel them touching every inch of my skin. I take a sharp intake of breath. The noise snaps him into focus and he locks his eyes with mine. But the desire doesn't disappear from his face. He blushes at getting caught ogling me, and stutters something about his mother wanting me to have dinner with them. The words seem to evade him, as he mumbles and curses under his breath before finally saying what he came to say.

I nod at him, not sure of what to say. Inside I'm just ecstatic that he's having this reaction because of me. I can't wrap my head around it.

"Um, so, I guess, I should…you know, um, leave you to…whatever you were doing." He says gesturing with his hands to the inside of my house. He looks so embarrassed and nervous that I can't keep it inside anymore and I explode with laughter.

He looks at me shocked, but seems to relax with every second I spend laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that you should see how awkward you look right now." I say wiping some tears from my eyes. Yes, I laughed that much. He shakes his head at me, amused, and smiles at me before speaking.

"Well, I certainly wasn't expecting to find you looking like _that _when I came here." He rubs the back of his neck, his ears turning pink. He's still embarrassed about this whole thing, but looks more at ease.

"You've seen me in these clothes before Edward." I state, because he has. Many times, if I think about it.

"Yeah, I know…and you don't know how, um, hard that was when you didn't know how I felt about you. Watching you go around your house and pretend I didn't want to…" He stops himself but I guess I can fill in the rest. I sober up at his words because they make me think of how much time we've lost. He notices the change in my expression. "I really should go." He says, and gestures with his hand to his car.

"Okay." I nod. He hesitates before walking.

"So, dinner, tomorrow, my place. The whole Cullen clan is going to be there. Don't say I didn't warn you." He says trying to get us back to an easy mood.

"Okay." I say and watch him walk away.

Just before I close the door, he jogs back towards me.

"Wh—" I start but I don't get the whole word out because his mouth is on mine. He grabs me by the waist and pushes me to the door. His hands roam over my body, and I sigh into his mouth and pull at his hair.

He groans.

I love it.

His lips are pure, raw passion. This is a new type of kiss for us. It's full of promises that have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with lust.

I claw at his hair, his shoulders, and his back; because it feels like I can't get close enough to him and he's making me want him with too much intensity. When we finally come up for air, he pecks my lips softly in the sweetest way. It's like reassuring me that we can have both the passion and the tenderness. I love him a little more.

We pant into each other's necks for a few seconds before he speaks.

"I finally can act on it." He breathes. I can feel his heart racing as fast as mine is.

I smile against his skin.

Things are starting to look up.

* * *

><p><strong>As usual, thank you guys for your support, you are all the greatest.<strong>

**Did you like this one? Let me know. Did you hate it? Let me have it.**

**But review, because I love reading your thoughts.**

**Anyway, **

**_Till next time, xo_**


	19. Small Steps

**SM owns.**

**Thank you Mari & Sunflower Fanfiction.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 19: Small Steps<strong>

_"How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them"_

_Benjamin Franklin. ~_

* * *

><p>I'm not eating. I can't. I'm busy staring at her. I see her beautiful profile as she talks warmly with my mother. They're talking about how good the food is, and how Bella can learn how to make this dish for her father. Bella smiles and nods and pays attention like she's really going to do it someday. I know different.<p>

I never noticed how good she was at pretending. But she is. She's very good. She sits here at this dinner table she's sat at thousands of times, and smiles at all the right times, as if she's really just meeting my parents.

She talks.

I stare.

She listens.

I stare.

I can't keep my eyes off of her. It's too good to be true. She's here, having dinner with my parents and me, but tonight I finally get to play with her foot beneath the table. Tonight I get to take her to our spot in the backyard and touch her like I want to, like I was meant to touch her all along.

This night has been better than I expected it to be, other than some rude comments from my father to Bella, everything has been going just fine.

Mom stops talking and for a few peaceful minutes we just eat. Bella catches me looking at her and smiles back. I soar. I can feel my heart beating faster.

She does this to me. From across the table, with just a small smile, she sends my heart flying.

"So tell me, Isabella, do you approve of my son quitting the football team?" My dad asks out of nowhere. Or maybe not out of nowhere. Maybe that question is the only reason he decided to joins us at the dinner table.

"Dad," I start, but come up short. Bella looks confused and out of sorts, yet she answers with a firm voice.

"Well, I'm not sure that decision is for me to approve or not. It was his choice." If it's possible, I love her more.

"Was it really his choice? Because for some reason, I don't think it was." He says, his blue eyes cold and unforgiving.

"You don't know shit about me, Dad." I grit my teeth and fist my hand so tight. I can't believe he's doing this.

"Edward, please…" My mom whispers, knowing how out of hand our arguments usually get.

"I'm done eating. Let's go Bella." I say standing up and leaving the dining room. I'm not doing this tonight. I'm sick of it.

I half run to the backyard with her in tow. I can feel her trying to keep up with me. I go past our usual spot and to the long, dark passage that connects our houses. I really don't feel like being close to my house right now.

I want to be in hers instead. Where things are peaceful. Where her scent is stronger.

"Edward..." She pleads and tugs my arm.

"Don't, please." I say and let go of her hand to keep walking.

"Listen to me."

I shake my head and keep walking until I'm at the back door of her house, where we had our first kiss. God, I can't shake that memory out of my head.

I slump my body against the door, not wanting to use the spare key. The fresh air is nice on my skin. Bella walks slowly to me, a calm but sad look on her face. She runs her hand up and down my chest when she's close enough. I burn at the touch.

"You know how you keep telling me to try to build a relationship with Charlie, right?" She starts, not stopping her motions. I nod at her and place my hand over hers on my heart. "And how you say that I have to try to reach out to him?" She searches my eyes but I look away. I know where this is going. "I think…maybe, I think you should try too." A petulant grunt escapes me. I feel like a child at the action, but I can't help it.

"Charlie is a good man, Bella." I say. "He loves you, he's hurt, he's grieving the love of his life…what's my dad's excuse for being an asshole?"

She gives me an almost smile and shrugs.

"I don't know…but maybe you could find out…because I swear I saw him break a little when you walked out of that room. Your mom too…I think, I think she was crying." She tells me and I believe her. The part about Mom crying, that is.

I say nothing.

She takes both of my hands in hers and looks up at me with a glint in her eyes.

"Let's make a deal, okay?" She sounds excited.

It's so weird. I know Bella, I do. I've been her friend for a long time. Most of the time, I can read her well, but it's like after I fell in love with her, she became a different person. A person I have a hard time figuring out. I don't know how that works. But I know her pretty well and at the same time, she's a complete stranger.

I guess love can work like that. I try not to make much sense of it.

"What's the deal, Bella?" I ask with a tired sigh, because I'm pretty sure I know, and I'm pretty sure I won't like it. I'm also sure I'll take the damn deal just because she asked.

She smiles so big that it blinds me for a moment.

"I try with Charlie, and you try with your father. How does that sound?"

"Like I'm getting the worst part out of this deal." I tell her honestly.

"Don't be silly…"

"Fine, whatever…trying…" I mumble.

"Good."

She looks pleased with herself. If I weren't in love with her, I'd be so annoyed at her smug expression. She's been so easy going tonight, so trusting, and smiley. She's touched me a lot during the entire night. I feel like something changed in her overnight. Like she decided to accept us as a couple.

"Why…where…where did that come from?" I ask her. She's always encouraged me to stand up to my father. And now she's making deals so that I get close to him? I don't understand. For me to be close with my father, I'd have to be an entirely different person.

"I was reading a book…" Bella starts, and I roll my eyes.

"Of course you were…I knew you weren't that smart." I interrupt.

"Shut up." She says, punching my chest.

"I know you are that good of a person though."

That earns me a kiss.

* * *

><p>School sucks. Bella is getting a lot of hate from every girl around, and I'm running out of ways to tell them to fuck off.<p>

They're everywhere. Tanya has made sure to play the victim, making Bella look like a boyfriend stealer, whore, or whatever. It's crazy, and I hate that she's going through this. I can see it getting to her.

And it's all my fault.

I wish I could make it better; wish I could go back in time and undo all my mistakes. Sadly, I can't, so now I have to deal with the consequences.

Thank God we're getting a few free days for the Holidays. I can't wait to spend most of my time trying to get used to the fact that despite my bad choices in the past, I now get to kiss her on a daily basis.

And I kiss her a lot. I'd kiss her 24/7 if she let me. I kiss her in front of anyone who's watching, just so they know she's mine. Each time it's better than the last. I can't believe I lost all those years. She's such a passionate girl and she kisses me with all her heart. I can feel it. It's in the way she grabs my hair to pull me closer. Or when she curls her fingers in my shirt, holding on to me. It's in the noises that she can't hold back.

I love it.

I live for it.

And I need more.

Those kisses are everything I could ask for and yet they are so not enough. Because I want all of her. I want more. I'm a guy. I'm in love. I'm horny. And she's…her. Perfection.

But I'm being nice.

I'm being patient and good and all that.

She deserves that.

My blue balls may disagree, though.

I snort.

I'm such a dick.

"Hey you." Bella says, approaching me. I've been waiting for her, sitting in the trunk of my car while she was in the bathroom.

I jump off the car and take her bag from her. She smiles a small smile and hides behind her hair before muttering a soft thank you.

"What's wrong?" I ask her while I open her door.

She feigns a confused look. "What? Nothing's wrong." She lies.

I close the door before she can get inside.

"Please don't lie to me." I beg, taking her hands in mine and searching her eyes.

She bites her lip for a minute, and then sighs tiredly.

"Just…um, the bathroom wasn't empty like I thought it'd be."

This is how it's been going this week. After some not so pleasant encounters with Tanya and her cousins in the bathroom, Bella has decided to wait until school's over to go in if she needs to. I've been walking her to her classes to look out for her, but I can't be with her the entire day.

"What did they say now?" I ask, trying to tame my anger.

She shakes her head and mumbles out an answer that sounds like, "nothing she hasn't heard before." She asks me to let it go and gets inside the car.

I stay put for a moment before snapping out of it and making my way to the driver's side. When I get in, Bella's playing with the laces of her well-worn sneakers, a known sign of stress or a bad mood.

"Bella…" I start, but she shakes her head.

I know nothing I say will make any difference. No matter how many times a day I kiss her and reassure her about my feelings for her, she's still intimidated by Tanya. She believes Tanya is prettier or better suited for me or something, so she lets her get away with stuff.

I don't know what to do to change that.

I thought, when she decided to quit the cheerleaders, she was finding her inner strength and her confidence. But I see her insecurities, and I can't help feeling like it's my fault in some way.

I drive in silence the entire way to her house, a long classical piece working as background noise. It isn't until we're on our street that she comes out of herself and faces me.

"So, you're coming over later, right?" She asks me, referring to our dinner plans. She's making dinner for me and her dad. Part of the getting closer to our fathers deal.

I think it's been forever since she sat down to have dinner with Charlie, so she wants me to play buffer. I said yes right away.

"Yeah." I say smiling as I park in front of her house.

"Okay." She tells me and gives me a small kiss before getting out of the car.

I drive away after she's inside her house.

* * *

><p>"What are you guys doing this year?" I ask Charlie and Bella when the silence gets too much. She cooked what she believed was her dad's favorite fish, only to find out he doesn't really care much for it anymore. That was the first tense moment tonight.<p>

It's funny because they are so much alike. They are quiet but energetic at the same time, and they have a presence that commands attention in a natural way. Yet, they haven't seemed to find some common ground to interact, which leaves the room with an uncomfortable cloud hanging over us.

I have no way of knowing what grief; true, raw, whole in your chest, grief, feels like. But I saw what it did to Bella that summer, and I see how it affects her now. So, I really wish they could talk to each other, have each other, rely on each other; because they know what it's like to lose a loved one, they share that pain, and they could help each other to deal with it.

"Nothing." Bella says, answering my question about Thanksgiving next week. They are both pushing things around their plates, not looking up, not making conversation, and making the exact same moves.

"You should have dinner at my house." I say eventually, after taking a huge mouthful of my food.

"I don't think that's a good idea." She says, giving me a look that states she's not happy with me.

I smile an easy smile at her. I kind of love getting her all riled up. I love that we can have little arguments and silent conversations.

"Why not?"

"I just don't." She mumbles and goes back to staring at her plate. I turn my attention to my left.

"What about you Charlie? What do you want to do?" I ask him in earnest. I really want them to come over for dinner. Not because I'm selfish and I'm sure Bella can make the holiday better for me, but because I believe it could be good for them.

"He's probably going to be working, Edward…" Bella answers on his behalf. She adds something that sounds "like every year." But I'm not sure. That's the problem right there. She assumes she knows him, she thinks she has him all figured out, and she doesn't. And in her belief of that, she stopped trying getting to know him. What he says next proves my point.

"Actually, um…I won't be working. I'm going to…" He trails off, not sure if he should keep talking. _His _problem is, he thinks Bella doesn't care about what he has to say.

"Where?" She asks, hiding how desperate for any kind of insight information from him she is.

"Visit your mother's…" He finishes and I stiffen. The silence that follows next is deafening. No one eats, no one moves, I'm not sure we're even breathing. I look at Bella. She's so still it's scary. No expression on her face.

"You are?" She breathes, still expressionless.

"Yeah…" He says and goes back to picking his food. We stay silent for so long, that I think about changing the subject, but Bella's still not over this. Because she then asks, "Why?" with a challenging look on her face.

Charlie looks up, startled. Maybe he also thought the matter was done and over with.

"What do you mean why?" He asks with a hint of something in his voice that I can't name. Bella huffs, breathing shaky breaths and gripping the edge of the table with both hands.

"I mean, why this year? Why on that specific day?" She asks.

"Bella." I whisper, but it's like I'm not in the room. Charlie rubs the back of his head before stuttering his answer.

"I go every year…she, um, your mother loved Thanksgivings. It was her favorite holiday."

"I know." Bella says in a controlled voice and I know she's pissed. This could get very bad.

"Yeah, well…it seems fitting…like to go on a day that she liked. I don't know." Charlie is looking everywhere but at Bella. I think he caught up to the fact that she's angry.

"And you never told me this before because….?" She arches an eyebrow. I don't know how she can control her anger so well. I've never been able to do that. Once again I'm amazed at how good she is at this. That's exactly how she survived in school. This is exactly why I never noticed she had feelings for me.

Charlie puts both hands flat on the table, he looks exhausted.

"Hell, Bella, I don't know." He starts. "You're always out, or locked up in your bedroom. It's not like I have that many chances to tell you stuff."

Bella was about to say something, but snapped her mouth shut at the last comment of her dad. She looks a bit out of sorts, like it's the first time she's ever heard these words.

"Yeah, well, you're not here much either, so…" She says after a while, and that seems to end the conversation. However, I'm not okay with it. Maybe they need a little push.

I'm not sure I'm the right person for the job, but I'm the one who cares enough to do it.

"Why don't you go together then?" I ask, looking at both of them. They don't answer right away, but the idea is already growing inside their heads. I can almost see it.

"Would you like that?" Charlie asks quietly, looking at Bella, expectant.

"Yeah." She whispers.

So it's settled then. I guess.

"Okay then." I say when the silence is too much. I take Bella's hand under the table and squeeze it. She squeezes back. I turn my attention back to Charlie. "So, how's work?" I ask.

"Same old, same old…" He says.

* * *

><p>"Can you believe him? He's been going to visit her these past years and I had no clue. None! I mean, why didn't he tell me? Do you know how long it's been since I last went there?" She's pacing in front of the bed, while I rummage through her books. I shake my head in answer to her question, but I'm sure she doesn't see me. When I catch her looking at me, waiting, I shrug.<p>

"Maybe he thought you didn't want to go."

That answer is not good because she starts pacing again.

"Why wouldn't I want to go?!" She asks. "She was my mother! I lost her too, you know? I miss her." She says, and this breaks my heart. Watching her like this, knowing her pain, it kills me.

"I know. I'm sure he knows. He's just…" I don't have the words.

"Whatever." She mutters, playing with her hands.

"But you guys are going together now. It can be a bonding experience or something." I say, sitting up, searching her eyes from across the room. She rolls her eyes at me.

"Yeah, bonding in grief and pain. Yay." The sarcasm in her voice is obvious. "And he didn't even want to take me there. You had to come up with the idea." She says, losing the sarcasm, her voice breaking. She's on the verge of tears.

I offer my hand to her.

"Shh, calm down. Come here." I plead with her and she eventually gives in. I sit her on my lap and stroke her face with a feather like touch.

I kiss her lips softly. She pouts. I nip her lips until she gives in and kisses me back. The relief in her body is obvious. She doesn't feel tense anymore. She's kissing me with the same amount of passion I'm kissing her.

Her fingers are doing that gripping-my-shirt thing that drives me insane. I groan in her mouth and pull her closer. I'm sure she can feel the effect she has on me. If she's bothered by it she doesn't let on. I run my hands across her back, tangling them in her hair and holding her head in place as our tongues slide in and out of each other's mouth.

We fall down on the bed and I arrange our bodies so I'm on top of her, caressing her with slow touches. When I feel she might let me go further, I touch the button of her jeans, but she pushes my hand away and starts to sit up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She tells me, running her hands through her hair. I breathe in and out, trying to calm myself. If I thought lust was strong before, lust mixed with love is so much more fucking intense. I feel close to exploding, and I didn't even get to third base.

"It's okay." I murmur and try to smile at her.

"I shouldn't have let it go this far only to stop you. I'm sorry." She says with regret written all over her face.

"It's fine. I understand." I tell her and kiss her hand. She shakes her head.

"No, you don't."

"Tell me." I keep her hand in mine.

"I…you…I'm not ready for this with you." Her voice is timid and quiet, but I hear her just fine. I don't know what she means by not being ready for this with me. Why not with me? Doesn't she believe my feelings for her? Or is there something else? I feel like I should ask her, so I can work on it, but I think that'd make me look bad, so I don't.

"Okay." I say, and kiss her hand again. Now she gives me a look. She looks…kind of mad.

"Just okay?" She asks, and takes her hand away from me. What the fuck?

"What do you want me to tell you?" I run my hand through my hair because I'm getting frustrated. I got a hard on that's not letting me think straight, and I'm trying to be a gentlemen here.

"I don't know. That it's not okay? That you don't understand!?" She snaps at me, getting out of the bed. I stare at her in shock.

"Why would I do that Bella? What's going on?"

"You don't want me." She whispers.

I think I roll my eyes, snort and chuckle at the same time. "That's funny." I say.

"What?" I shrug.

"Like a nice joke. Because if I wanted you a bit more than what I already do, I don't think my body could take it." I confess. Now she stares at me in shock.

"Then why aren't you pressuring me?" She asks in a whiny voice. Again, what the fuck?

"Wouldn't that make me an asshole?" I'm sure my voice sounds like a combination of amusement, frustration and surprise.

"It would let me know that you want me." She tells me, and I feel like shaking some sense into her. I know tonight hasn't been the best of nights for her, and that school has been harder than ever lately, but I don't understand where she's going with this. Especially considering I was on top of her, showing her I wanted her less than five minutes ago.

"Where the hell is this coming from? You're all over the place tonight." I say honestly.

"If you ask me if I'm pmsing, I'm punching you." She threatens and I groan. One thing's for sure. I don't have a hard on, anymore.

"I wasn't going to." I tell her, because I wasn't. I'm not that stupid. "But really, what's going on?" I stand up and go to the little corner where she's been resting her body during this entire strange conversation.

"Tanya said…" She whispers when I'm in front of her. I feel like punching a wall.

"For fuck's sake…" I growl.

"Forget it." She says, stepping away from me. I grab her arm.

"No, tell me."

She takes a second before answering. "She just told me it was obvious we weren't having sex and that she understood why. That you'd never want to fuck me." Her voice is filled with insecurities that have been there for a long time.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I'm trying not to get to angry, because Bella having to deal with Tanya and her antics is my fault.

She shakes her head. I cup her face in my hands.

"Bella, do you know how many times a day I picture it?" I breathe out, looking into her eyes, trying to get her to understand. "Us being together like that?" I go on. "All fucking day. If I'm awake, I'm thinking of it. If I'm sleeping, I'm dreaming of it. It's actually kind of annoying. It's driving me crazy." I tell her and she gives me a smile and lets me wrap her in my arms.

This is something we definitely need to talk about, but for the rest of the night, we decide to just hold each other instead.

And I am more than okay with that.

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><p><strong>Nobody wants to read my excuses, so just...Thank you for reading. <strong>

_**Till next time.**_


	20. Tears of Closure

**SM owns.**

**Mari & Sunflower Fiction are the best. **

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><p><strong>Chapter 20: Tears of Closure<strong>

_Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. _

_If they speak, you break down. _

_Bede Jarrett. ~_

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><p>Today's the day. Thanksgiving. The day I'll visit my mother's grave for the first time in years. The last time I went was six months after her death. It's been - years. When Charlie said he'd been going to see her on this day for all these years, it took everything in me not to go all hormonal teenager on him. I wanted to cry, scream, and throw things in anger.<p>

I can't understand why he didn't tell me. Why he didn't ask me if I wanted to come along. The drive to the cemetery is kind of a long one. Definitely not a drive I should make alone. I don't even know the directions well. He should've thought about how this is something I'd like to do. Visit her. Pay my respects.

It's not like I don't know she's not really there. It's not like I don't know I could very well sit here in my bedroom, and talk to her aloud, thinking, believing, that somehow, somewhere, she's listening. But there's something about going to someone's grave. There's a symbolism there, a push to move forward with your life without that person in it. A sense of calm, to know that you have a constant, a safe place where you can allow yourself to miss that person and then go back to your life and try to keep going.

I feel like I never really got that. And maybe that's why I went along with things that didn't necessarily make me happy. But it made me think I was moving on. That I was getting over my mom's death. Maybe this visit will help me make that thought a reality.

I'm wearing black, skinny jeans, black flat boots, a jacket, a coat, a scarf. It's cold. Winter's right around the corner, but it's not about that. It's about safety. I feel hidden under all these clothes, so maybe I'll survive an entire day with my father and a visit to my mother.

I'm all about symbols today.

I should stop reading John Green's books.

I go downstairs where Charlie's waiting for me, wearing as much clothing as I am. I could be right about the layers and the safety thing.

"You ready to go?" He asks when he sees me. I nod, and we make our way to the car in silence. I'm thinking this is how it's going to be for the drive as well, but he surprises me by talking as soon as we pull out of the driveway.

"It's about a four hour drive. I packed some sandwiches, but we can stop for food on the way if you want."

"Oh, okay." That's very thoughtful. I'm confused by this. I'm not used to thoughtfulness from anyone but Alice and Edward.

My thoughts must be plain on my face because he sighs loudly. "Listen, Bells, I—I know I've left you alone a lot…but that doesn't mean, you know…that doesn't mean…" He trails off.

I nod at him and leave it at that.

My cell phone chirps with an incoming text and I'm thankful for the distraction.

It's Edward.

_**Good morning. I hope you have a good day today. Please try, okay? Happy Thanksgiving. Xx**_

I compose a short but grateful reply and put away my phone.

I feel Charlie's eyes on me, before he talks.

"Is that Edward?" I smile despite myself.

"Yeah," I answer.

"He's a good kid." He says.

"Yeah."

Uncomfortable silence falls between us. I think about what Edward said the other night about bonding, and what he just texted me about trying. So I take a deep breath and say, "What do you do when you go there? You talk to her?" Go hard or go home, right? I might as well start with the hard questions first.

"Yes. I tell her about what I've been up to during the year…um, yeah." Something tells me, it's more than that but I don't push it.

"I'm not sure what I'll say." I admit, as all my mistakes flash before my eyes.

"Just…just tell her whatever you want. You just have to be honest. No lies." He gives me a really small smile.

"Yes, what's the point of lying?" I ask in a snarky voice, thinking about how useless it'd be to lie to a dead person. I think he might call me on my attitude or that it would halt the conversation, but he surprises me yet again, by chuckling.

"My point, exactly. Plus, your, um, mother was always good on calling people's bullshit." He says and I feel my heart lurching forward. I turn to face him a little.

"Yeah?" I ask, prompting him to keep talking.

He nods with an easy expression on his face.

"Yes. I could never plan surprises for her. Nothing got past her. God, do you remember…" He starts but comes up short. He gives me a side look, as if gauging my reaction. I try to convey with my face that it's okay; that I want this, that I need this.

"…um, that time you took money from the coffee table to buy candy without telling us?" I grimace but nod. That was so stupid.

"I got so sick afterwards from eating all that."

"Yeah, that's why she didn't give you such a hard time. But she knew as soon as you walked through the door that you had taken the money."

"She was mad." I say, remembering.

"As mad as Renee ever got. She…she was too sweet to be angry. She was always saying, "why waste time being angry when…""

"…when smiling is so much more fun?" We finish at the same time.

Silence falls over us again, but this time it's not uncomfortable. It's just respectful; of each other, of our pain, of her memory.

It's not like our problems are magically solved, but a silent agreement is being made, right here, right now.

It's the first step.

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><p>"So, are we stopping for food?" I ask, when I start seeing restaurants and the like. The drive, though long, hasn't been what I thought.<p>

We haven't spent the time yapping away, but we have talked. I feel like I'm getting to know him. I never realized how much of a stranger he seemed to me.

"Is that what you want?" He asks me.

"What do they serve in that place?" I wonder out loud, though I'm not sure we should stop at all.

Maybe we should go straight to the graveyard. I just want to get there. In a way, I want to just get this over with.

Since the decision to come was made last night, I've felt nothing but anxiousness hanging over my head. I want to get rid of that feeling, even though I'm almost sure that what I'll feel when I get there is probably going to be worse.

"24 hour breakfast." Charlie answers with a smile on his face.

I perk up right away.

"Oh, like pancakes and stuff?" I ask, my stomach rumbling**, **and my mouth watering at the thought.

"Yeah," he says, giving me a sideway glance.

"Cool."

"You still love pancakes?" He asks me, skeptical.

I nod.

"I thought you stopped liking them, since you never cook them." He tells me after a minute of silence. I don't tell him about the fact that it's just too much for me. Mom used to make pancakes for me on special occasions.

"I'm not good at making them." I say instead, remembering how the times I've tried they end up in the trash. "I never get them right, so I stopped trying." I add.

He gives me a weird look. I feel like maybe he knows there's more to it than that.

We stay silent for a while, passing old buildings that claim to sell the best food. When we get to the last one, and truthfully, the nicest looking one, Charlie turns.

He parks in the open space closest to the door and turns off the engine.

"Oh, well," He starts, "you can have pancakes now." He tells me with a small smile before opening his door and stepping outside.

I think about that for a moment.

"Yes, I can." I breathe.

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><p>We sit on a booth that faces the window and a chirpy waitress takes our order right away. She looks too happy to be working in this place on Thanksgiving Day. It's weird.<p>

I look around, watching the few people in here eat. They don't look like the kind of people who would spend this day here. Then again, appearances can be deceiving. I should know.

I grimace at the thought and fix my eyes back on Charlie. He has his head nose deep in a newspaper so I'm guessing talking to him is out.

I take my cell phone from my pocket to text Edward, only to realize I already have one from him.

I smile.

How does he do that?

Sometimes I feel like he's inside my head, waiting until I think of him to appear.

_**Hey, how's it going? You there yet?" **_His text reads.

_**Not yet, we just stopped for food. It's going…well. **_I type and send before I over think the use of the word "well."

He replies right away.

_**I told you. I'm so glad. I miss you, tho. Alice is fucking nuts.**_

I imagine his smug face telling me this. He loves being right. I also can picture the shy but sweet way he would tell me he misses me. I laugh softly when I think about his expression as he complains about his sister.

I find myself surprised at this. I've known him forever. I've had time to memorize most of his faces. And now I get to discover the new ones. The ones directed at me. The ones he had been hiding so well.

We text back and forth for a little while. He tells me Alice put him on kitchen duty that it's driving him nuts. We say goodbye with my promise to let him know when we get to the graveyard.

I didn't tell him about eating pancakes. He would've made a big deal out of it.

Maybe it is. I just don't want it to be. I don't want to start crying in the middle of the dinner.

A few minutes after Charlie finishes his reading and I've put my phone away, our order is served.

A very nice looking plate of original pancakes is placed in front of me. I stare at it while the waitress tells me something about a marmalade or something. Charlie starts eating his scrambled eggs and toast at a fast pace as soon as the waitress is gone.

He's too immersed to notice the few tears that escape me as I eat.

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><p>We finally arrive at the cemetery a few minutes after noon. It's sunny but cold; clearly a manifestation of how I feel.<p>

As my heart starts racing, I try to remind myself that I wanted to do this; that I needed to do this. This will be good for me. At least, I hope so.

Charlie leads the way to the place where she's buried. I try to get my breathing under control so that he doesn't notice I'm freaking out.

I don't do a great job because he offers to go first. He's doing it to grant me some time alone before I go there.

I stay a safe distance away, while he kneels and dusts off some leaves from her foot stone. He stays kneeling for a moment, before getting up.

I take a moment to text Edward and tell him we got here safely. He answers right away. I wonder if he's been carrying his cell phone around the whole day.

His words are short and sweet, but not enough to calm me down.

This is weird. Being here is weird and scary. All of these names on stones are all that is left of these people.

The trees scattered here and there around the cemetery are big and unkempt. I wonder why they have trees here in the first place.

_Oh God, I'm losing it. _I think, when I find myself questioning the existence of trees.

"…I don't know why I can't just get it right with her." Charlie's voice distracts me from my thoughts. I don't know when or how I moved closer to where he is. His voice is low and rough, like he doesn't want to get the words out, yet I'm close enough to hear him. "I thought I was protecting her, but apparently not." He continues. "I told you I wasn't good at this. I told you I needed you. You were supposed to make all the important decisions while I just made sure you girls lacked nothing. I was supposed to be the scary Dad with a gun to chase punks away and stop them from breaking her heart. Now I'm just happy she has a boyfriend because it means she's having a normal life, right?" He says and rubs his face.

He keeps talking but the words don't register on my brain. In this moment, I feel nothing but hurt and sadness. This man, my father, is a broken man who lost the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with. And he got left with a kid. A kid they were supposed to raise together.

Parents have roles. Everybody knows that. Mothers are great in handling all the teenage drama, the sex talks, and all those conversations that usually make guys uncomfortable. On the other side, Fathers are usually there to rationalize stuff; teach you about saving money, changing flat tires on your car, etc.

There are a lot of single parents in the world. And I'm sure they're great. But raising a child is a team effort. I'm just starting to understand—to realize how my dad must have felt all these years.

Suddenly, I wish I could go back in time and answer his questions with more than one word answers. Maybe things would be different today.

He kneels again, stands up and walks over to me. I'm not sure what the expression on my face is.

"Are you okay?" He asks me. He looks concerned. He really does. And I want to smack my own face for never noticing this before.

"No. I'm not okay." I say, answering his question. There's no sarcasm in my voice and he notices.

"Um," He starts, not sure of what to say, "You don't have to, you know?" He tells me.

"I know." I say, but I'm already making my way to her grave. I think he tells me he'll wait by the car.

Walking towards her grave feels like the longest walk ever, but I finally get there. I take deep breaths, and rub my face several times before even looking down at her name plate that is carved in an elegant font. It reads, Renee Swan; loving mother, caring friend, devoted wife. It's cliché, but it's true.

She was all those things.

I kneel, and trace her name with my fingers for a while. I'm about to stand up, but I sit my butt on the back of my legs instead.

"Hi Mom," I whisper, feeling silly and broken at the same time. "This is weird," I go on, taking a deep breath, "but I wanted to be here, so I should talk, right?" I stay silent for a while after that, just sitting there, thinking of what to say.

"I'm sorry." I say finally. "I think I've let you down." I have my reasons for thinking that, but I don't elaborate. "What else?" I wonder aloud, trying to hold on to unimportant things to say, so that I don't have to dig deep inside myself. So that I don't have to talk to her about what I really want to say.

"Edward's my boyfriend now. I hope you approve. I love him." I say**, **and I want to laugh. I can't believe I'm wasting my time like this.

I wanted to be here. I wanted closure. I got mad when I found out my dad was coming here without me. Now I'm here and I'm not making any sense.

I take deep breaths and close my eyes. Just the thought of what I'm going to say, hurts. Just attempting to open myself up like this, breaks me. But it's necessary, so I blurt it out.

"Mom, I love you and I miss you so much." Those are the words that first come out of my lips, and they burn on their way out. "I wish you never left." I continue, gripping the sleeves of my coat. "I wish I could see you again. I have this-this hole inside me. It hurts. It hurts so much, I can barely stand it. I've been going around life, trying to never think of it again, but it's always there. No matter how hard I try to lock my feelings inside myself, it's there; reminding me every day that you aren't here." At this point I'm crying so much, I'm not sure my words are intelligible. I'm sure she understands, though. My insides are like a volcano, just erupting pain and heartache. Years of denying myself to grieve properly, tumble out of me and I let it all go.

I cry and tell her how I'm sorry if I disappointed her. I tell her I've been a bad daughter to Charlie, and that I haven't followed her advices of being happy. I tell her I've spent my high school years pretending to be someone I'm not. I ask her to help me to move on.

I'm not sure how many more stupid, childish things I say. I'm not sure how many minutes or hours pass as I sit there, crying my eyes out in front of her grave. For the first time in a while, I just am.

Eventually I stay quiet, and my tears stop.

"So…I guess that's it." I whisper, before standing up. I feel lighter, yet drained at the same time.

I make my way to the car with slow steps. Charlie's resting his body against the car, looking calm. Maybe I wasn't there for as long as I thought.

He stands up straight when he sees me.

"You ready to go?" He asks me. He's looking at me in the same way he always has, but it feels completely different for me now.

"I need a moment." I tell him, taking deep breaths.

"Sure." He nods. He understands. He knows what I'm going through because he lost her too. I'm filled with sadness over the time I've lost. She may not be here with us anymore, but he is. So am I. Edward was right. We _should _be helping each other to deal with our pain.

I can't help the gut wrenching sob that escapes me. I'm in his arms before I know what's happening. I cry in his chest and again I lose track of time. I'm a blubbering mess, saying I'm sorry, over and over again.

"Oh honey…" He says, rubbing my back in soothing patterns.

"I miss her so much."

"I do too." He answers back.

And once again, a sort of silent understanding has been made.

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><p><strong>If you're still with me here, Thank you.<strong>

_**Till next time;xx **_


	21. Unexpected Words

**SM owns.**

**Sunflower Fanfiction and Mari, thank you for being smart.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 21: Unexpected Words<strong>

_Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. _

_Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up._

_James A. Baldwin. ~_

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><p>We arrive back to Forks earlier than I thought we could and Charlie drops me off at Edward's house. He told me to try and end this day on a happier note. And that it was what my mother would've wanted. He told me it was what he wanted.<p>

"I just want to see you happy again." He had said when I argued about it. I told him that developing a relationship with him would make me happy. It was hard to get it out, but I couldn't bring myself to not say it.

"That would make me happy too." He choked out.

At the end, I decided to go to Edward's house because I know that what happened today was really intense. I think we both need some time to let the heaviness go. But most of all, because I know we both meant what we said, and we are going to try to be close.

I feel it and it's amazing.

I feel secured and not so scared anymore.

"Jeez, Izzy, is not that cold!" Alice tells me when she opens the door and evaluates my clothes. She also tells me this, while pushing me inside the house and hugging me with too much strength for such a small girl.

"I know." I tell her, getting rid of some of the layers I'm wearing.

"You look cute, but if you're planning on seducing Edward, you have to show more skin." She says with a smirk on her face.

"What are you talking about? I'm not planning on seducing anyone." I tell her.

"Why not? You should."

"No she shouldn't." Emmett says, making his way down the stairs with a grin on his face. "Edward doesn't need to be _seduced _Ali. He already has balls the shade of the freaking Cookie Monster. She just has to say the word, and he'll jump her bones." He finishes with a wink when he reaches us.

"Oh God." I say mortified, and probably bright red. They both chuckle and Emmett hugs me in greeting and as mock comfort to my predicament.

"Hey! When did you get here?" Edward says appearing out of nowhere with a box in his hands. He looks amazing in a black knit sweater and black beanie. His eyes look full of life and excitement.

"Just a few minutes ago." I answer as he places the box on the floor before walking closer to me. Alice and Emmett move out of the way at the same time as if in sync.

"Hi." He tells me softly, lowering his mouth to mine to give me a small peck. I feel warmth spreading all over my body. His lips are soft and sweet and I nip him, wanting to get more of it. He places his hands on my waist and is too happy to comply.

"Get a room." Emmett yells, and Edward ends the kiss. "Oh wait, don't." Emmett continues. "I don't want to be near you when you two finally do it." He says chuckling. Alice giggles.

"Emmett, fuck." Edward says annoyed.

"What? I'm just saying…" He starts, but Edward is already making his way out of the room with me in tow.

"Please walk with me." He tells me even though we're almost arriving to the kitchen.

He closes the door behind him and pushes me against it.

"Hi." He breathes, his hands cupping my face.

"You said hi, already." I tell him softly, but I'm leaning in to kiss him.

"Yeah, but not like this." He says before meeting my lips.

We kiss aggressively, then slow, then fast again. I feel like the world is ending and he's my life source. He's grabbing my hips, my hair and my face; as if he doesn't know which part he likes best. I find the back of his neck with one hand and grip the front of his sweater with the other.

He stops, panting into my face and hiding his face between my neck and shoulder. I've learned he does that a lot.

"I'm sorry." He whispers to my skin, causing goose bumps to erupt. "I'm just so happy to see you. Are you okay?" He asks, leaving his cocoon and searching my eyes.

"I'm…good." I say. He looks skeptical. "Or not as bad as I thought I'd be." I add with more certainty.

"Oh, well that's great. What about Charlie? How'd it go with him?" He asks, stepping away from me but still close enough to touch.

"It went…" I take a moment to find the right word, "fine." I say, not being able to come up with a better way to describe today.

"Yeah?" He asks, taking one of my hands in his.

"Yeah, kind of…really good. I mean…not, yeah…it was good." I stammer. It was a strange day. Edward seems to understand that he won't get many coherent thoughts out of me and decides to not keep asking.

"I'm really glad to hear that." He says with a big smile. He nods towards the back door and pulls me to him. We walk hand in hand towards our secret place.

I can hear his family inside the house. I'm not sure how many guests they had tonight, but it couldn't have been that many. I didn't run into anyone while I was inside.

"He was so different than what I thought he'd be." I say when we get to our favorite spot. "You were right." I say facing him.

"Now I'm really glad to hear _that." _He smiles and nudges me.

"Ugh, shut up." I roll my eyes and push him back.

"Fine, fine, shutting up now." He holds his hands up in a surrender gesture before taking my hand again. "Are you hungry? Did you eat?" He asks switching from playful smugness to caring concern in just a second.

"Actually, I ate." I say and tell him about the pancakes. It was hours ago, so I should be hungry again, but I'm not. Edward listens to my tale without interrupting, not sure how to react. I smile at him when I'm done to let him know it's okay.

"Wow, babe, that's amazing." He finally says with a big smile on his face.

"It is." I start and then I freeze. "Wait; did you just call me babe?" I ask in shock.

"Um, maybe? He sort of answers with a worried look on his face.

"Huh." It's all I can manage.

"You don't want me to call you that?" He asks with a hint of panic. "It just kind of slipped out." He adds as a second thought, playing with my fingers.

"It's just such an _Edward-the-ladies-man_ thing to say." I think out loud.

He snorts.

"Well, then it's obviously a no."

"No, I don't mind." I say quickly.

"Sure you do." He tells me, giving me a knowing look.

I shake my head. "No. I really don't."

He snorts again.

He has no idea where my mind is going. And since this day has been just a lay-it-all-out kind of day, I decide to tell him.

I tug his hand to get his attention. I want him to understand where I'm coming from. He faces me and I take his other hand in mine.

"I've been watching you with other girls for so long, Edward." I start and he flinches. "Calling them pet names and touching them, flirting with them." I go on. I can feel the tension overcoming his body. "I never thought, that…well, that one day you'll be directing those antics to me, and I guess, meaning them?" I finish, sounding uncertain. He's silent for a minute or two and I think that maybe I didn't make myself very clear.

I didn't tell him this to hurt him or because I haven't forgiven him because of what happened. It's the contrary in fact. I feel comfortable enough to tell him this.

I forgave him, but I think he hasn't forgiven himself.

I open my mouth to say something else, but he stops me.

"Bella?" He says, gripping my arms now. "I love you." He says, fixing his piercing eyes on mine. "I'm _in _love with you. I feel like maybe you know, but I needed to tell you. I've had…all this inside me for what feels like forever. I've lost myself trying to hide from you, but at the end I can't deny who I really am. And what I am is a hopeless guy, who'd give you the world. I've fucked up so bad, so many times, but I love you. I love you so damn much I feel like—" I stop his rant with a kiss.

He groans into my mouth and holds me to his chest. I stand on my tip toes and grip his hair. My mind is blank. I think of nothing but Edward. I feel nothing but Edward. I breathe nothing but him.

My boyfriend.

My best friend.

"If it wasn't obvious, I love you too." I say, trying to get my breathing under control. He smiles and gives me small pecks in response.

"So can I call you babe?" He asks me, chuckling.

"Shh." I whisper and we kiss again until we're called back inside.

* * *

><p>"How's Charlotte?" I ask Peter while I wait for Edward to get out of the bathroom. After Thanksgiving break, school has been different; quieter. People seem to be too distracted with their own business to pay attention to mine. I'm thankful for that.<p>

Tanya and the Blondies have reduced their bullying to nasty looks and the occasional whispering. It's better than confrontation, and I'm thankful for that as well.

Peter shrugs against the locker his body is resting on, mumbling an incoherent response to my question. He hasn't been around much since Charlotte got here. He's been missing school a lot and we just haven't been able to talk.

When I saw him get here this morning, I was excited about being able to catch up with him; see if he was okay.

He looks the same; dark jeans, black jacket, the bad boy stereotype. But there's something off about him. Like his presence is not commanding and strong anymore.

"She's okay? Is that what you said?" I ask him again trying to get him to talk to me.

"She's fine, Swan." His voice borders on frustrated, then again, he always talks like that.

"And what about you? How are you dealing with things?" I ask, searching his eyes. He looks to the other side of the empty hall.

"I'm fine." He answers. I push myself away from the locker and get in front of him. He's about Edward's height so he's taller than me. I have to look up at him.

"I know you're probably lying." I say, and he rolls his eyes at me, then looks to the side; everywhere but me. "Listen, if you want to talk, if you need any—"

"Fuck, Swan," he interrupts, as he walks past me, talking as he goes. "Just because you're all touchy-touchy with your emotions or whatever, doesn't mean the rest of the world is too, okay?"

"That's not—" I start to protest but he stops me again.

"I get you're happy with Cullen and want to go puking rainbows in everyone's face, but just back off." He says and retrieves his backpack from where it was on the floor. Of course Edward comes out of the bathroom while Peter is shouting the last part of his outburst at me.

"What the fuck? What's going on?" Edward asks shooting an angry look to Peter and a concerned one to me.

I'm stunned into silence at Peter's reaction. Is that what I'm doing? Wanting the world to be a better place so that it matches how good I finally feel?

I don't think that's it.

I care for Peter. I owe him much of my happy state, and I just wanted to know if he was okay. His response only proves the fact that he isn't.

"Nothing. Tell your girlfriend to mind her own business." Peter answers and is already walking away from us.

Edward's in front of me before I know it, cupping my face in his hands.

"Are you okay? What the hell was that?" He asks me, as I shake my head in answer, and out of his hands.

"Nothing."

He groans.

"Bella," He says my name like a warning.

"It was nothing. I pushed him to talk, he exploded, no big deal." I say, taking my bag from the floor and tugging his hand to walk with me. He takes my bag from me, but doesn't let go of my hand.

"Didn't look like nothing to me. He looked pretty upset." He says.

"I know, I don't think he's okay. I'm worried." I say as we get to the parking lot.

"Maybe you should give him time."

"He's had time. We haven't talked in forever." I say annoyed.

"Just because you haven't talked, doesn't mean he's had time. Maybe he's been busy trying to make sure Charlotte was okay instead of worrying about himself." Edward says, opening the passenger door for me.

I ponder what he said while he settles into the driver's seat.

"That actually makes kind of sense." I think out loud and Edward smiles before starting the engine and driving out of the parking lot. "Which is why I need to get him to talk to me! He must be dying inside, having all that bottled up and trying to keep Charlotte safe and happy." I say and Maybe Peter kind of made sense earlier, too.

Edward chuckles.

"What?" I ask.

"You're just cute when you have that look on your face." He says and pushes the accelerator.

I frown and stay silent for a minute.

"What look?" I finally inquire.

"The I-just-realized-what's-going-on-and-maybe-how-to-fix-it, look." He answers simply.

I frown again.

"I have that look?" I ask him while he parks in front of my house. He turns off the engine and faces me.

He nods. "Among other ones." He says taking my hand in his. "See? Right now you have the I-have-no-idea-what-the-fuck-Edward's-talking-about look." He chuckles and kisses my fingers.

"You're crazy." I tell him and give in to the sensations of his lips on my skin.

"Mmm," He consents and kisses my wrist. I take the opportunity to cup his face and bring it closer to mine.

We make out for a long time. It never gets old. His kisses, his touch, his closeness…I don't get tired of it.

If anything, I just get more addicted.

His sounds, his skin, his smell…all part of the spell I'm under.

He stops kissing my lips to land soft kisses all over my face.

"What look do I have now?" I ask gasping for air.

"The I-just-made-out-with-my-very-hot-boyfriend, look." He answers and kisses me again.

Peter _was _right. I feel like puking rainbows.

* * *

><p>"Bella?" Charlie's voice makes its way to the kitchen. "I brought pizza." He says, entering the room with two pizza boxes in his hands. He places them on the table and I stop chopping the vegetables I was going to cook.<p>

"Oh?" I say confused. This is unusual. "I was making dinner." I add as an afterthought.

"I guess I should've called first." He says, and I notice sadness overcome his face.

"It's okay." I tell him, starting to put away the food I had on the counter. "I'll just save this for tomorrow." He tries to help me, but we end up bumping each other the entire time. Eventually he gives up and sits down at the kitchen table to start eating his pizza.

I fetch some drinks and join him.

"We need practice." He sighs tiredly, rubbing his face with both of his hands. I finish chewing the bite of pizza in my mouth before answering.

"Yeah," I agree. "We'll get there." I tell him, and his whole face changes.

He clears his throat before asking, "How was your day?"

And just like I've been doing this entire week, I really tell him.

* * *

><p>After dinner with my father, I convince Edward to drive me to Peter's house. He wasn't very happy about it and he also wasn't jumping at the idea of just dropping me there.<p>

I'm thankful I won that debate as I stand in front of Peter's grandma's house, ringing the bell for the third time. I'm about to leave when the door opens half way. I can barely make out the person on the other side.

"Hello?" I ask, placing one hand on the door, trying to open it further.

"How can I help you?" A soft, almost angel-like voice comes from the other side.

"I'm looking for Peter." I say, and she opens the door a tiny bit more. I can make out golden hair.

"He's not here." She answers and tries to close the door.

"Wait, Charlotte!" I yell and stop her. She opens the door then, and looks at me with a shocked face.

"How do you know my name?" She demands, but she's so frail looking it doesn't seem demanding.

"I'm friends with Peter. He told me about you." I tell her.

"I'm not supposed to let anyone in." She says, giving me a sideways look. "I'm not even supposed to open the door." She adds almost to herself.

"It's okay." I smile at her. "I'm Bella. I won't tell anyone," I add. Her face changes when I say my name and she doesn't look so apprehensive anymore.

"Are you the girl who sent the clothes and stuff?" She asks, and I notice all of the clothes she's wearing, used to be mine.

"Yeah…" I nod.

"Thank you." She says sounding genuine.

"No problem." I tell her. "Listen, I just wanted to make sure Peter's okay." I say, letting her know I mean no harm.

Her face crumples, but her tone is bitter. "Well, he's not."

I consider this for a moment and decide not to question her about him. I need to talk to him, not find out about him from her. It doesn't seem fair.

Looking at her though, and seeing how broken and lost she looks, I decide to ask about her.

"Are you? How are you?"

She looks surprised at first by my question. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that.

"I'm fine. I'm safe." She tells me and it sounds so untrue. I don't know this girl, but she doesn't look fine. Her answer sounds more like a mantra; a learned line she has on repeat.

I'm about to speak when a screeching sound makes Peter's presence known. He marches toward us as soon as he's out of the car.

"Damn it, Swan!" He yells. "What the hell are you doing here?" He asks me when he gets to us, grabbing my arm.

"I was just—" I start.

"Not minding your own business." He finishes my sentence for me in an angry voice. "Char, can you wait inside?" And it's amazing how everything changes when he talks to her. We were never going to work. He's so in love with her.

"Why? She already knows who I am." Charlotte challenges him, as he lets go of me and takes her hand.

"It's not about that." He tells her in a low voice. "I just have to talk to her."

"And I can't be here, why?" She questions him, meeting the adoring look on his face with furious one.

"It'll be quick, Char. Please." He begs her, cupping her face in his hands. Suddenly, I feel like I shouldn't be here. I feel like an intruder in their world.

"That was not what I asked, Peter." She says softly, surrendered to his touch. Their dynamic is intriguing.

"I should go." I say, ready to walk back home if Edward doesn't get here right now. Peter snaps his eyes to me.

"Yes, go." He says in his cold, no nonsense voice.

"No, don't." She tells me. "I'll just go hide inside, like I've done for weeks." She says, giving Peter a look and walking back inside.

"Charlotte, please…" He groans but she's already out of sight.

"Peter…" I murmur, unsure of what to do.

"You had no right coming here! None." He screams and I flinch.

"I'm sorry." I say, but he ignores me.

"What did you think you were going to do? Come here and force information out of her? What do you gain from that?"

"Peter, no. I wasn't going to do that. I came looking for you. I want to talk to you." I try to reason with him, but his face doesn't soften at my words.

"Well, I don't want to talk to you." He says in a monotone voice. I consider trying to convince him to open up, to rely on me, but I'm not sure I will accomplish anything tonight. I nod at him and pull out my phone to tell Edward to pick me up.

"Edward will pick me up soon, don't worry." I say bitterly.

He doesn't speak or acknowledge me. He does, however, wait until Edward arrives, car before going inside the house.

I decide that I'll try again tomorrow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Almost-New Year.<strong>_

_**Thank you so much for reading and making this year one of the best ones**_

_**with your kind reviews and your patience. **_

_**Next update will probably be up in a couple of weeks.**_

_**Till next time,xx**_


	22. Of Chaos and Words

**SM owns.**

****Sunflower Fanfiction, thank you so much for everything. You are awesome.****

****Mari, I love you like it's not even funny.****

****HAPPY EARLY BDAY Mon-Amie. I love you lots, and lots, and lots.****

****Enjoy****

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 22: Of Chaos and Words<strong>

_The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said._

_Peter Drucker. ~_

* * *

><p>"Edward," I whisper, when he moves his kisses to my neck.<p>

"Bella," He says to my skin, his voice thick with lust.

"Charlie and I are doing pretty good." I tell him, tugging his hair so that I can see his face. He complies and smiles at me.

"I know. I'm happy for you, for both of you." He says in a rush and resumes his driving-me-insane work on my neck.

"We had a deal." I remind him, trying to make my voice strong. He stops for a second and makes an unintelligible noise before kissing a path down my jaw.

"No buts." I say.

"No butts?" He asks, grabbing a hold of my leg and hitching it high enough that he can pinch my ass.

"You are such a guy." I say breathless, enjoying the friction that his movement provided.

"That I am." He says, pressing his erection against me. How could I ever doubt he wanted me? I would never know.

"Seriously, though."

"Seriously," He says finding my breast through the fabric of my shirt with his lips. A sigh escapes me.

"Your father and—" I start.

"Ugh," He says, interrupting me and resting his face between my breasts. "I really don't want to talk about my father while we're doing this." He says, kissing me all the way up until he finds my lips.

"Then stop." I say moving my head away from his kisses. It only makes him go back to the side of my neck. He loves it there. He knows I love that he does.

"You're the one who brought him up." The smug look he gives me makes me want to slap him and then kiss him again.

"Stop what you're doing." I tell him, giving him a look. He responds by taking my earlobe in his mouth.

"What am I doing?" He whispers, moving his hand to my breast while he devours the spot beneath my ear, making me moan.

"Distracting me," I croak out.

"Is it working?" He asks, grinding into me and sending shivers down my spine.

"Yeah," I can't help but answer.

"Good." He says and we don't talk again.

* * *

><p>"Why are you making me do this?" Edward asks like a petulant child while putting on a dress shirt.<p>

"Because I love you," I answer, smiling; his face softening at once.

"I love you too." He says, and finishes buttoning up his shirt.

We're in his room while he gets ready for his lunch with Carlisle. I finally convinced him last night to follow through with his part of the deal. It's amazing what I can get him to agree to in our post orgasm glow. I can't wait to see how that will work after we start having sex.

_What would I be able to make him do? _I laugh at the silliness of my thoughts.

"What are you laughing at?" He asks, sitting down next to me on the bed. I shake my head and ask him to let it go. The fact that he actually does, reminds me how nervous he is about this meeting. I take his face in my hands.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." I try to reassure him. He takes my hands in his and kisses them.

"I wish you could come with me." He sighs.

"I know."

Trying to make him see that my presence at lunch wouldn't help was even harder than making him go at all. He knows I'm not his father's favorite person, but he claimed he didn't care. He just wanted me there. In the end, my reasoning got to him and he's going alone.

"Let's go then. I feel like I'm already late and I still have to drop you off at Whitlock's." He grumbles, standing up. He's not very happy about leaving me at Peter's house either.

Peter's call took me by surprise this morning. After the way things played out the last time we saw each other, I really wasn't expecting any contact from him. I'm glad Edward talked me out of visiting him and Charlotte again without invitation. Granting people time and space, is the most likely way to go.

"You're not late." I say but stand up. I collect the few things I plan on giving Charlotte; magazines, some candies, a few books, and join Edward outside his bedroom.

Despite his nervousness and agitated state, he takes my bag from me and holds my hand in his. We make our way down the stairs, while he complains about having to meet his father at the hospital.

I say nothing until we're inside his car.

As he messes with his seat belt, I try my best to explain how I feel about this meeting. "Edward, listen to me. I know this is hard for you, okay? I know." He gives up on the thing and faces me. "But please give it a try. Be patient with him." I do my best to convey this to him in a soft voice, and he nods, but his expression doesn't assure me he won't snap at his dad at the first word he utters.

"And you…" he says, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, "don't go around trying to be a hero. If Charlotte and Whitlock don't want your help, don't push them." He tells me and backs the car out of the driveway.

* * *

><p>"Hi." I say tentatively, stepping inside the house.<p>

"Hey," Peter answers; his face and tone of voice are neutral.

"Hello," Charlotte says from the couch where she's sitting. She seems to mull her next words over, before speaking again. "Swan?" She says with uncertainty. "Is that how Peter calls you?" She asks me, but looks over to Peter who gives her a small smile.

"Yeah," I chuckle. "But you can call me Bella, though." I hear Peter snort.

"No, that's Cullen's thing." He says and walks to the kitchen, while Charlotte rolls her dark, blue eyes.

"I'm assuming Cullen's your boyfriend." She says.

"Edward." I nod and smile at her. She smiles back and makes a gesture, inviting me to sit next to her, and I comply.

"What is it with him and last names?" Charlotte asks, just as Peter enters the room again with a soda in his hand. He doesn't sit.

"I think it's his way of keeping everyone at arm's length." I say giving him a look. I'm not just saying this; I really think it is. I know how powerful names and nicknames can be. They can make you feel like a whole different person. Nicknames are how I separated my different personas for years.

"I think so too." She agrees.

We fall silent for a while after that. I take the opportunity to give her the stuff I brought for her. She's apprehensive but grateful. Peter doesn't comment. He just watches us from his spot near the door.

After the silence becomes uncomfortable, Charlotte starts making small talk with me. She's a very sweet girl, and for someone who has surely been through a lot, she doesn't look or sound bitter at the world.

It feels extremely nice to talk to someone who doesn't have a preconceived notion of my character. She's getting to know me; without masks, or pretense or phoniness, just me. I find myself enjoying our conversation despite Peter's annoyed sighs from across the room.

"Would you stop that?" Charlotte snaps at him eventually, and he looks a bit taken aback.

"What?"

"Whatever emo-ness you have going on in that corner. Stop it." She says and I'm in awe of how much fire she has inside of her. My jaw hits the floor, though, when I see Peter's apologetic face. He mumbles out an apology, looking down to his shoes.

"I need to talk to Swan, Char." He says after he regains his composure. "Please." He adds, pleading to her with his eyes. Just like the last time I witnessed their interaction, I suddenly feel like an intruder.

"Okay," she says, and stands up to leave the room. She stops in front of Peter and kisses his cheek. "Don't let her leave without saying goodbye." She tells him and he nods, squeezing her hand.

He walks towards me as she exits the room.

"What the hell are you doing?" He whisper-yells as soon as she's out of sight.

"What the hell are _you _doing?" I ask in return. His face looks shocked for a moment, and then he goes back to his impassive expression.

"What do you mean what am I doing? I'm trying to help her, I'm trying to keep her safe." He says with fire in his eyes.

"By keeping her locked up here? What about her family? What about school?" I say and realize how I hadn't even though of this until today. "Do you really think you're helping her?" I add as an afterthought, and regret it right after the words are out of my mouth.

"And you think you are?" He counters, getting in my face. "By bringing her magazines and lending her clothes? Does that give you the right to decide what's best for her? You don't know her, Swan. You didn't even know she existed until I mentioned her to you." There's no trace of impassiveness in his voice or his face this time. He's furious.

"I don't," I start, but I'm not even sure how to finish that sentence.

"Exactly, you _don't _know." He jumps in when I pause. "I do! I'm the one who knows the girl she used to be before this whole mess. I'm the one who's trying to bring that girl back." His voice softens at the end and I get a glimpse of the boy who held me while I had a meltdown just a few weeks ago.

"You're suffocating her." I explain, trying really hard not to upset him further while being 100% honest. "She's not happy and she's not okay. You can't magically make her better. You can't just stay here playing house with her and think it's going to make her problems disappear." I flinch while I get the last part out, but this is really how I'm seeing this situation.

I like Charlotte. I don't know if I'm going through some sort of physiological phase that makes me like her so much because she's the first person out of high school that I've tried to talk to. I just know that some part of me really wants her to be okay, and right now, she's not.

"And since when are you such a fucking know-it-all, Swan? Just because your life doesn't suck anymore, you are a qualified therapist or something, damn it." Peter's voice is eerily calm as he says this and it sparks rage inside me.

"Really Peter, you want to talk about my life not sucking anymore? Do you want me to _remind_ you that I don't have a Mom anymore? Do you want me to tell you how my life is _never_ going to be fully okay because she's gone?" I ask, while on the verge of tears… because how dare he?

"Swan," He says with apologetic eyes. It doesn't stop me.

"Or how I'm _still _eating lunch inside a car in the parking lot, because Tanya is still a bitch? I might be getting my father back, and yes, Edward and I are happy together, but that doesn't mean my life is perfect, so don't talk shit about me, okay?" I finish and realize how much I mean this. I can't help the tears that escape me. His arms are around me in an instant.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on with me." He says to my hair.

"Yeah, I don't know what happened to me either. I didn't want to snap like that." I say and step away from him so he can see my face, as I give him a small smile.

"You've been holding stuff inside you for too long." He returns my smile.

"You would know about that."

"I really don't know what to do." He says, as we both take a seat on the couch. He rubs his face with his hands in frustration.

"I figured."

"She doesn't want to go home, but it's not like my parents can adopt her, you know?" He tells me, locking his eyes with me. I nod.

"Do they know she's here?"

"They think she came to visit and that she already left. They've always known about her family problems."

I take this information in silence before speaking again. "You should talk to them, Peter."

"They'll make her go back." I take his hand in mine and stay quiet for a while.

"Maybe you can convince her to go back," I say after a while, not even sure where I'm going with this, "until the school year is over… I don't know. Then, work something else…" He gives me a sad look, begging me to say it for him. "Right, I understand, you don't want her to go back either."

"I don't. I'm afraid I'll lose her forever." He admits in a broken whisper.

"Peter," I start, but the sound of Edward's car interrupts me. Peter stands up and pulls me with him.

"Confession time is over, Swan." He says, once again, hiding all the emotions that were on his face just seconds ago. "Tell Cullen I wish him good luck. You are one hell of an annoying woman."

* * *

><p>"How'd it go?" I ask as soon as I'm inside the car.<p>

"Fine."

"Edward."

"What?"

"Come on, what did he say?"

"Not much."

I groan.

"Edward."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Are we really doing this? Don't shut me out, please."

"I'm not. I just… we can talk about it later, okay?"

"Okay. Later."

* * *

><p>But later became hours, days; weeks. Every time I brought the subject up, he would brush it off or distract me. He became the king of avoidance, and I became the queen of letting things go.<p>

I spent a lot of time with Charlotte when Peter left her alone. The more Edward and I grew apart, the less I could stand being with the both of them in the same room. The difference between their relationship, and what mine was turning into, hurt too much. Even in the midst of their situation, their love seemed to be strong enough.

I wondered if ours was, too.

Our communication issue was such a tiny thing compared to Peter and Charlotte's problems and yet… they seemed happy.

The harder part was that I had no one to blame but myself. It became too easy to fall back into the old habit of not speaking my mind. Every time I was determined to get him to talk to me, I found silly reasons to stop myself. The real reason was… I was scared; terrified. Afraid that Edward's conversation with his dad had gone so wrong that he was starting to resent me for pushing him. I didn't want to see his face when he told me that it was all my fault for making him pay his part of our stupid deal. For believing his issues would be resolved as easily as mine were. He always told me Carlisle wasn't the same as my dad.

I should've listened to him. Of course he knew his father better than I did. I just wanted to help him like he did with me.

It backfired.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" Alice's voice snaps me out of my self-loathing thoughts. She's standing in front of my desk while we wait for our teacher to get inside the classroom.

"What?"

"With you and Edward, what's going on?" She asks, giving me a look.

"Why? Did he tell you something?" I ask instantly and curse myself inside for sounding like the fool that I am.

"No. He tells me nothing. And you two are all angsty, and he's all lovey-dovey with Dad now, and I just don't know what's happening. This is why I'm asking you; so tell me." She says, all in one breath like she usually does.

"Alice I—Wait, did you just say he is lovey-dovey with your dad?" I'm sure the confusion and what-the-fuck feeling is painted on my face. She gives me a strange look, like she expected me to know this.

"Yes. They spend a lot of time together now. Every time Dad's home, they are locked up inside the studio and they laugh, like, you can actually hear them _laughing _and sharing inside jokes during dinner. It's weird as fuck." She confesses and I can tell she's wanted to say this to someone for a while.

"I don't understand." I say. "I thought…" I drift off because I can't wrap my mind around anything right now.

"What?

"I guess I don't know what's going either." I admit.

"Are you fighting?" She asks softly.

"No. We aren't talking at all."

* * *

><p>"Do you want to catch a movie?" Edward asks me while we're sitting in my living room doing homework; his favorite activity to do with me lately. It keeps the subject on something else that isn't us.<p>

He's sitting on the floor, using the coffee table as a desk, while I'm in the couch.

"Why?" I can't hide the bitterness in my voice.

"What do you mean why? To do something nice," he answers, turning around to give me a weird look before going back to his book.

"Why not dinner?" I press, and the tone in my voice must be getting snippier because he looks up at me again.

"What?"

"Why do you want to take me to a movie?" I ask, feeling like a crazy person. "Is it because we don't have to talk there?" I add.

"What are you talking about? I'll take you out for dinner if that's what you want." He tells me with the same dismissive tone he's been using with me lately.

"That's not what I want." I say through greeted teeth. Alice's ramblings earlier today are too fresh in my mind. My own stupidity is making me irrational.

"Then what do you want, Bella? Fuck." He gets frustrated and closes the books in front of him.

"What happened at that lunch with your dad, Edward?" I ask him for the hundredth time.

"Jesus, Bella, that was ages ago." He tugs his hair and opens the books again.

"Yes, it was and I still don't know how that went down. You've managed to give me every non answer in the planet every time I've asked you that question." I tell him, finally voicing my thoughts about it.

"Why are you so hung up on that?" He asks, not looking at me.

"Are you serious right now?" I scream at him, standing up and closing his books. He doesn't react. "Alice told me that you and your dad are on good terms now. She said something about inside jokes." I continue and he closes his eyes. I lower my voice. "I'm happy for you, I really am. I just didn't know you guys getting along, would come at the expense of our relationship." By the time I finish, I'm almost crying.

He opens his eyes again, frantically searching my face. "Please don't say that." He begs, and I sit on the couch, holding my knees.

"I don't know how else to feel." I admit, hiding my face in my limbs. For a few minutes, there's nothing but silence in the room, until I feel his arms around me and his breath on the side of my head.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, tugging my face to his.

"What exactly are you apologizing for?" I ask, after I face him. He sighs but doesn't answer. "Come on, Edward, give me something." I beg, taking his hands in mine.

He takes a deep breath, kisses my hands then takes a deep breath again.

"I'm going to be a doctor." He exhales in a rush, his words mingling together.

"What?"

"I don't want to go to New York and get a music scholarship. I don't want to kiss Rosalie's uncle's ass for him to tell me if I'm good enough. That's not what music is about for me." He tells me in a slow voice.

He looks conflicted.

"Okay." I say, not sure I'm following.

"Music is escape and freedom. I don't want it to become a job or an obligation." He says, squeezing my hands.

"I understand that." I say, nodding, because I do. "But just because you don't want to be an artist, does it means you have to be a doctor, Edward." I say with a small smile, trying to be supportive. I still don't know what's going on, but it doesn't sound as bad as I thought it'd be.

He sighs and takes my face in his hands, making sure his eyes are set on mine before he speaks.

"I don't _have _to become a doctor. I _want _to be one."

"I really am lost right now." I confess, and shake my face out of his hands. He lets his head fall against the couch, looking at the ceiling.

I stay quiet and unmoving next to him.

"Do you remember when we were in middle school, how I used to go to the nurse a lot?" He asks out of nowhere, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I nod. "I was never sick; I only wanted to be there for the medicine-like, clean smell. I used to say I had a bad headache and lie down on one of the beds and peek at Mrs. Clap while she worked on other kids." He tells me with a small, and what seems to be an involuntary, smile.

"I didn't know that."

"I forgot about that." He admits. "That was the first thing Dad told me when I sat down at lunch with him. I said a stupid comment about having to meet him at the hospital, and he proceeded to tell me this. He told me how I used to talk to him about it when he got home at night. That's why he always knew I wanted to be a doctor, and he was right." He finishes and faces me again, looking like a little kid.

"Why didn't you tell me this before, Edward?" I ask, confused and hurt.

"I thought that I was going to disappoint you." He whispers, lowering his eyes in shame. "You've been so encouraging this whole time, and there I was going against everything we've always talked about."

I want to laugh and slap him at the same time. I half-chuckle instead.

"Edward," I say, searching his eyes, "the only reason I was encouraging, was because I thought music was what you wanted. You were always so determined to not be a doctor, I just thought…" I trail off, and he nods.

"I just didn't want the responsibility of falling in my father's footsteps. And after I grew up he became so obnoxious about it, that I just wanted to contradict him. I don't know…" He tells me. I crawl into his lap and his arms are so tight around me. It feels like home; I feel whole again.

"Why didn't you just say so? I've been going crazy." He kisses my hair.

"I didn't want to let you down."

I turn around in his arms.

"Edward, I love you." I start and he smiles. "Don't you understand that? You can sit here and tell me you want to be a lawyer, or a painter… or a TV sportsman… I don't care. I just want you to be happy." I say, pouring honesty into my voice.

"I love you too." He says, and I smile, because that's the thing he decides to respond to. I kiss his lips softly, but he grabs the back of my neck and devours my mouth. Days of being in the same room, but far away at the same time, come crashing down on us, colliding in the form of this kiss.

"Our communication sucks." I pant when we stop.

"I'm an idiot." He says, resting his forehead against mine.

"We're both a little." I concede, thinking of all the ways that situation could've been dealt with.

We both chose silence, we both made the wrong decision.

"I missed you." He says, peppering my face with kisses.

"I missed you too."

"We have to talk about stuff. This can't happen again." He says, squeezing me tighter to him.

"I know. It can't."

"Okay…" He says, taking a deep breath. "Since we are going to bring things out in the open and speak freely, you know, not keep stuff inside… then… Bella… It's time to talk about sex."

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><p><strong>Hey there, everyone. Hope you liked this one.<strong>

**_Till next one;xx _  
><strong>


	23. All Kinds of Love

**SM owns.**

**Everything grammatically correct is Sunflower Fanfiction and Mari's fault. (Thanks girls.) **

**All the mistakes are mine. **

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 23: All Kinds of Love.<strong>

_Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love. _

_Thomas S. Szasz. ~_

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><p>I blush.<p>

I can't help it.

This entire conversation is one blushing, awkward, stuttering mess for the both of us. We're not virgins, but it feels that way; at least to me.

Edward is sitting in front of me, tugging his hair, rubbing his neck as he rambles. He's been talking for like, thirty minutes. I stopped paying much attention to what he's saying. But now, he's getting particularly edgy so I will myself to focus on his words.

"… and I know that—well, that it's different for girls, and it's cool if you want to wait, I mean, I just fucked everything up with my not telling you things, so I get if you don't want to, like, _do _it right now, but… I do want to… constantly. And I just thought that you should know. I mean, I always want to, I'm a guy, but I don't want to just because I'm a guy, but because it's you, and I love you and you're so hot—beautiful, I meant beautiful, well, and hot too."

"Edward," I say when he finally stops talking to take a breath, "stop." I take his hand in mine.

We're sitting crossed-legged on the same couch we've had lots of important conversations before. The most recent one, merely hours ago about his future, is still too fresh in my mind to be talking about this. It's not like I'm not okay with him wanting to be a doctor. It's not even like I'm upset about the way he handled things, which I was. It's just that I think _this_ conversation is not even that necessary. It's about the fact that we've been distanced from each other for weeks, and I just want to breathe the same air as him without tension filling our lungs.

On our new agreement to talk about things, I tell him exactly this, kissing his lips and asking him to take me out.

We spend the night driving around, talking about everything and nothing, getting our dynamic back.

* * *

><p>"So, we're going to Seattle next weekend." Alice greets me the next morning, standing in front of my locker, texting on her phone while she gives me a sly glance.<p>

"Who's we?" I ask searching for the books I need for class.

"The entire Cullen family…" She grins, dragging the sentence around before finishing it with the biggest smile on her face. "…except for my brother."

I pretend I don't know what she's talking about, even though I think Edward mentioned this during his rambles yesterday.

"Okay, have a nice trip." I say, walking to class. She follows me.

"Oh, come on. Stop with the I-don't-care-attitude. You're squealing inside. I know it."

I smile, because there is some flutter mess inside my stomach at what this news imply.

"Ha!" She says when she sees my face and walks in front of me to our class.

* * *

><p>"So…" I start on the drive home, curling my fingers around the seat belt. Edward gives me a sideways glance and a small smile.<p>

"So?" He prompts when I stay quiet.

"This weekend…" I start and trail off, hoping he will fill in the blanks. He doesn't. I sigh and decide to stop being silly and just say it. "This weekend seems the perfect opportunity for us."

He turns into our street and nods.

"I was thinking of going to Port Angeles for dinner and then…" He stops for a second before finishing his thought, "…um, come back to my house."

"What about my dad?" I ask, thinking of how I now have to run my plans by him beforehand. I smile at the thought because it's such a normal father-daughter behavior that a lot of people take for granted. "What am I going to say to him about sleeping over at your house? I mean, he loves you and all, but it's not like I can tell him what we'll be doing." I say, rushing through the last part. My heart accelerates in nervous anticipation.

Edward parks in front of my house and swallows hard before clearing his throat. "I guess Alice could help us out. She can be your alibi."

I think it over, weighting the pros and cons and decide Alice is our safest choice. I cringe just thinking about the huge deal she's going to make of this. But it's not like I can stop her. It _is _a huge deal.

* * *

><p>The week goes by in a blur of visits to and from Charlotte and Peter, who are still in the same situation, loads of homework, inappropriate inquires from Alice about my sex life, and not-subtle-glares from the 'blondie-bunch' who haven't taken kindly to Ali's acceptance of my relationship with her brother.<p>

Edward and I spend the week in a state of awkward conversations about trivial things while our minds are really in the gutter 24/7.

Thank God it's Saturday.

The Cullens left for Seattle yesterday at 4:00 pm, but my weekend with Edward doesn't start until later today. He was adamant about needing some time before we saw each other. I wonder if he just needs time to freak out alone, much like I'm doing right now.

_Don't go into panic mode, B. It's just Edward. _

Alice texts me when I'm in the kitchen cleaning after Charlie's breakfast while making my own. I reply quickly, telling her is not _just _Edward, and not to worry and enjoy her trip. Minutes later, another text message chimes in. This one's from Charlotte.

_You love him and he loves you. That's the only thing that matters. _

I smile at her words, thinking what a good friend I've found in her in such a short period of time. I think sadly how I could've had something like this earlier in my life, if only I had found the right clique. If only I had been myself from the beginning. Realizing that train of thought won't lead me to a good place, I put on some music. I spend a few minutes texting back and forth with Charlotte, before walking upstairs to start on my cleaning routine.

I clean with my earphones plugged in and a big variety of songs blasting in`my ear. It distracts me. Except for when my crazy playlist is interrupted by yet another incoming text.

_Good Morning. Tonight I will finally get to show you exactly how much I love you. _

My breath hitches reading his message, the room spins and it feels like the floor has been taken from under my feet. My fingers linger over the buttons of my phone, not sure what's the correct response to this. Everything I can come up with sounds either cheesy or just plain stupid.

Eventually I settle on a simple _I love you. _

After that, I try -try being the operative word- to focus back on the cleaning. But after running a dish towel over the same surface for over half an hour, I give up.

If the week went by in a blur, this day seems to be made of 300 hours. The turning hands on the clocks are not changing; the sun is not moving from its place, and no matter how many activities I force myself to do, my mind is not cooperating.

But despite the stubbornness of time and its refusal to move, night falls and Edward's at my doorstep at 6:00 pm sharp, looking too hot for words in dress black pants and a dark green dress shirt.

"Hi," he says with a smile that gradually takes over his whole face. His eyes roam over my body, taking in my black and white dress. "Wow." He says when his eyes reach my own again. I can't help my grin.

"Right back at you." I answer, taking his hand and pulling him to me for a kiss. His lips are soft and sweet against mine. I get lost in his scent and his touch, but all too soon, he's pulling away from me.

I frown and pout like the silly, horny teenager I am and he chuckles and kisses my forehead.

"I promised I would do this right." He whispers to my skin before taking my hand and leading me outside.

The drive to Port Angeles is nice. We take turns selecting songs to listen to, and discuss which ones are the best road trip songs; which lead us into a conversation about the best places to go on a road trip, and then we end up talking about the best books that involve a road trip. It's funny how we can go from boyfriend and girlfriend to best friends and back in a second. I guess true love really does start with friendship.

We arrive at a restaurant that's way too fancy for two high school kids, but it seems the perfect place for us to start our night.

"This is very sophisticated." I comment once we're seated and served our first course.

"I know. I almost wore a tuxedo." He says with mirth in his eyes.

"Why did you pick this place?" I ask.

"You don't like it?"He asks, stopping his fork mid-air.

"No, I love it." I rush to assure him. "I'm just curious." I add with a smile.

"Right. I forget you always want to know everything." He jokes, and despite the place we're in, I throw a piece of bread at him.

"I guess I wanted you to realize that," he starts, getting serious, locking his strong gaze with mine, "we can have it all, that _you _can have it all. That we can go from eating junk food sitting on your couch to dressing up for a fancy place, to playful evenings at the beach." He smiles and winks at me before continuing. "We've—You've spent too much time trying to fit in, when you should've been trying to be yourself. Let's do it all Bella. Let's be that couple that goes to charity function one weekend and to an Indie's concert the next." He says, his voice filled with emotion as he takes my hand in his, making the world disappear around me. I swallow visibly.

"Looking way into the future, aren't you?" I say, trying to hide behind a silly joke.

"It's where we're headed, isn't it?" He says softly, and I'm suddenly not hungry anymore.

I want to show _him _exactly how much I love him.

* * *

><p>The entire evening makes me feel high on excitement. We have fun; we have light conversation and we flirt and tease each other. By the time we get to his home, I'm ready to jump him.<p>

I don't, though.

As he opens the big wooden door that I rarely use to come in, nerves take over me once more. Without talking, we go up the stairs and to his room, his hand on the small of my back, leading me the entire way.

"I'll be right back." He whispers to the back of my neck, with soft, cool lips, leaving me staring at the closed door of his bedroom. I nod, silent, turning to look back at him for a second. I try to get my breathing and heart under control, before I push the door open.

When I enter his room, I feel like I've stepped into another dimension. I've been here before and while his space has always been tidied up, it's always resembled a guy's room. Well, not this time. Right now there are soft lights coming out of small crystal vases. There's a sweet scent covering the air, mixing with his distinctive smell.

I breathe it all in.

I take it all in.

I walk slowly around his bed, noticing how soft the cream colored sheets are. I see some flowers adorning his bedside table and bite my lip, thinking about the frozen one next to my bed. Maybe this is what he spent his day doing. I can't contain my smile.

"It's too much, isn't it?" He asks from the door and I whip around to face him. I shake my head strongly.

"It's perfect." I whisper, thinking of how far we've come. "What do you have there?" I ask when I notice he has his hands wrapped around something. He shrugs and smiles with a mix of shyness and confidence that shouldn't go together, but that does in him.

"It's our blanket." He says, walking inside the room, placing himself in front of me with only the bed between us. "I feel like it should be here." He adds, unfolding it and laying it on top of the bed. I stare at him, at the bed, at the room. He notices my stillness and stops his movements. "Unless you think it's too cheesy."

"Who are you?" I ask, unable to stop myself. He straightens back up, his dress shirt starting to look rumpled. He looks at me for a few seconds, trying to read me. I guess he knows me better than I thought because he understands what I mean; I can see it on his face.

"I don't know sometimes. You, you make me feel—act like a different person from the one I think I am. I spend so much time trying to figure myself out, trying to mold all of my pieces together, getting lost in my head… and then when I'm with you, I'm found. It all goes away; the doubts, the questioning. I can just be." By the time he's done talking, we're kneeling in the middle of the bed, staring into each other's eyes, fingers easily intertwining.

I want to say I know exactly what he means. I want to tell him what he just told me is precisely the reason I accepted our deal that freshman year. But I don't. I don't speak because it doesn't feel like it's necessary. I don't speak with words because we've lost too much time trying to make sense of everything. So I kiss him.

I take hold of his face and trace his lips with my tongue. He's stunned for half a second before his hands find the back of my head and his tongue meets my own. Our breaths mingle when we come up for air and it's a perfectly synchronized chaos.

We kiss for the longest time, changing paces; from slow to frantic, to explorative to demanding. We take turns dominating the kiss but I'm happy to let him lead. When he notices my surrender, he gently pushes me on my back, leaving a trail of burning hot caresses down my chest, past my stomach, to my thighs where he hikes up my dress.

I'm dizzy from the feeling of his fingers on my skin, from the knowledge of what's going to happen, from the intensity of my love for him.

He removes my dress with a question for permission in his eyes. I nod at him and help him fiddle with the zipper. He kisses every inch of my uncovered skin, making me pant and moan and shiver. His muscles are pulled taut beneath his clothes, shifting tighter every time I make a noise.

I pull his face from my chest to recapture his lips. The movement causes his erection to press against me and he groans my favorite sound. While we kiss, I peel his shirt away, craving the skin to skin contact. His chest is warm and smooth, teasing my body with each breath we take.

It takes forever for both of us to be finally naked, but the wait is worth it. There's no reason to rush. And even though I know he must be dying to go faster, it never shows. He takes his time, coaxing the ultimate pleasure out of me with his fingers and his mouth, getting to know my body and my preferences, whispering words of love against my skin.

I come with a low cry, turning my face to the pillows. When the world starts to shift into focus again, he's already positioned on top of me. One of his hands is resting on the side of my head, holding his weight off of me. The other is trapped between the lower halves of our bodies as he accommodates himself. He searches my eyes for a moment, before pushing inside me, stretching me. He stills when he's all the way in, watching me with an adoring look in his eyes. His green is so calming, so peaceful this way. The storm that hides inside of them is gone right now. We're finally as close as we can get.

It should be awkward, if our previous moments leading to this are anything to go by, but it's not.

He holds my hand next to my head before moving, thrusting and grinding in the most erotic dance. He scrunches his eyebrow as he moves inside me, holding himself back, his movements slow and soft.

I find the hair at the back of his neck and tug sharply, earning a grunt and a falter of his movements. I'm thankful for his tender touch, his careful way of treating me tonight, but I got mine. He took care of me, and now I want to see him let go. There's no reason for us to pretend with each other. There's no reason to pretend, period.

"Edward," I whisper into his ear before playfully biting his lobe. He grunts again and thrusts harder before regaining his composure. "Don't." I start, finding new places to sink my teeth into. "Don't hold back." I say, and the sound he makes is enough to send shivers down my spine.

He starts to increase the pace and the force behind his movement. Soon, he's frantically pushing in and out of me while hiding his face in my neck. He gives two final thrusts before stilling, tightening his grip on my hand and giving me a bite of his own.

He rests on top of me for a few seconds before standing up, holding his hand out for me to take. We help each other to clean up in his bathroom, stealing small kisses and sharing lazy grins before going back to bed.

I fall asleep with my head on his chest and his arms around my waist.

I'm as happy as I've ever been.

* * *

><p>Sunlight peaking in from the window wakes me up the next morning. Edward's breathing is deep and peaceful, so I know he's still sleeping. Looking at his handsome face, his pouty lips, and his lean chest, stirs desire inside me and I decide to wake him up.<p>

I move the sheets away and start covering his shoulder with kisses, pleased to spot a few marks left from last night. Three pecks in, and he groans, opening his eyes.

"Hey," he says and clears his throat, "good morning." I've heard him speak after just waking up before, but right now, the deepness of his voice is doing things to me. He moves to lie completely on his back, grabbing me by the waist to help me straddle him.

In an unspoken understanding, we don't kiss on the mouth, and I'm thankful. It's silly to worry about things like morning breath after what we did last night, but I guess is human nature.

I kiss him everywhere else, reciprocating what he did a few hours ago, before he sits up, pulling me to meet his face.

"It's your turn to let go." He tells me with a delicious smirk before falling back to his pillow and helping me to sink into him.

I'm not the most sexual creature on the planet. I can count on one hand the times I've actually had sex, but being on top of Edward, looking down at his face, feeling him move underneath me, makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth. The way he's gazing up at me, the groans and moans of pleasure that escape him, everything about this makes me feel wanted and beautiful.

"Fuck," he grunts, digging his fingers deeper into my hips. "I love you."

"Mmm," is all I can manage, the rush of an oncoming orgasm overpowering everything else.

After a few more pushes and pulls, I come, breathless, unable to even make a sound. I fall limp into Edward's arms and he rolls us over so that he can finish with me on my back. He collapses on top of me, kissing my breasts and thanking me for the wake-up call.

I play with his hair while my body regains composure.

Today we will be the-stay-in-bed-all-day kind of couple, and I'm more than okay with that.

"I love you too." I say, remembering I hadn't said it back**.**

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><p><strong>Is "I'm sorry" even good enough?<strong>

**I'm sure it's not, but I am.**

**Hope you enjoyed this one and thank you for reading.**

**Next chapter will probably be up by the end of this week. **

****_Till next time;xx_****


	24. Inevitable

**SM owns. (As I'm sure you all know)**

**Thank you Mari & Sunflower Fanfiction.**

**IMPORTANT: I'll be donating a ExB one shot to the FANDOM FOR LEUKEMIA & LYMPHOMA SOCIETY.**

**So, be sure to check that out. **

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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 24: Inevitable<strong>

"_The emotions aren't always immediately subject to reason, _

_but they are always immediately subject to action"_

_William James. ~_

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><p>"Just look at that grin. You can't stop smiling, can you?" Charlotte says when I enter her bedroom on Monday afternoon, bearing ice cream and books. I still find it sickly sweet that even though I'm sure she sleeps with Peter more times than not, he arranged a room just for her.<p>

"Oh God, not you too," I complain, sitting down on her bed, passing her the ice cream and spoons.

"What?" She asks, digging in.

"Alice was insufferable this morning. You'd think it wasn't her brother she was asking all those questions about." I say, thinking back to all the details Alice wanted me to share. She and Emmett spent a lot of time during lunch talking about how they could totally tell we had finally "humped like bunnies." Emmett made crude remarks about how it was safe to enter Edward's room without knocking again.

"At least, he'll probably jerk off less." He said.

Rosalie, bless her heart, found us just in time to tell him to shut up and pull him with her.

"Well, I know I'm new around here, but the tale goes that it's been a long time coming." Charlotte says, then snickers, "I said coming." I roll my eyes at her.

"Please change the subject." I tell her, opening a book I need to write a paper on.

"While you were busy making love to your boyfriend for the first time, I had the pleasure of meeting the infamous Tanya this weekend." She says, with sarcasm in her voice.

"What?" I ask, closing the book, focusing on her big blue eyes.

"I convinced Peter to take me out for a short drive. I was sick of being here. We had to stop for gas and I used the opportunity to buy some girl stuff at the convenience store. She was there with that Kate girl." She ends with a grimace at the mention of Kate.

"What girl stuff did you need Charlotte? God, you could've called me." I say, panicking.

"I just needed some tampons! It wasn't a big deal. I wasn't going to ruin your sex marathon. Plus, everything would've been perfectly fine if it hadn't been for my stupid boyfriend. He's so overprotective it clouds his judgment." She tells me and I demand her to tell me exactly how the encounter went down.

"I was on the aisle where they keep all that stuff, and these two blondes push me out of the way to get to what they needed. I told them to watch it, but kept the attitude down. I'm not stupid. I know I shouldn't be attracting attention. They ignored me and spent two fucking hours picking a pregnancy test. There were only like, two brands, I don't know how hard that could've been." She says huffing with annoyance at the memory. "Anyway," she continues, "I was getting impatient, and asked them to please move, they gave me an unoriginal bitchy comeback, and that's how Peter found us."

"Tanya was condescendingly nice after Peter told them I was a friend," she cringes at the word, "and Kate was practically killing me with her eyes. I took the tampons and we left after that." She finishes.

I'm speechless, thinking about how that could've gone. I'm sure Tanya and Kate are not just going to stay quiet about Peter's mystery friend. But then, I think of how I didn't hear anything today, so maybe they won't care much for it. Peter has always been his own person inside the group. He's not even friends with any of them. His hook ups with Kate don't really count as friendship, but I guess that has been the link to the popular circle all along.

The thought of Peter and Kate together makes me focus back on Charlotte and how she must've felt meeting that girl. She and I have been able to become friends because she knows Peter and I were never going to work, and she knows how much I love Edward. But I'm sure meeting a girl Peter has been with while she was back home, couldn't have been nice.

"So Kate didn't talk to you at all?" I ask, giving her a sympathetic look. She plays with her fingers and shakes her head.

"That was for the best. I'm sure I would've punched her. I'm glad Peter has been so open to me about his life away from me. It sucked seeing that girl, watching her watch him, but at least I wasn't out of the loop, you know? I was aware of things." She says. I nod.

"A pregnancy test…" I say, shaking my head out of the thoughts my mind is having. I say a silent prayer for Esme who took both Alice and me to get on birth control two months into our freshman year. I've been on the pill ever since.

"I think it was for Tanya. She was the one determined to pick the best brand; as if any brand that you can find at a gas station is reliable." She jokes and I want to laugh, but I'm frozen, calculating in my head how likely to happen is what I think is happening. I realize I'm being irrational.

"I wonder who the father is." I say.

"I don't think Tanya is the kind of girl to keep it." She tells me. "At least from what you guys have told me." She adds and I nod, thinking she's right.

I can't imagine Tanya with a big belly walking the halls of the school, humiliated. Nor can I see her dropping out of school to be a teenage mom.

"It's just sad," Charlotte says, back to eating the now melting ice cream, "she looked really nervous, understandably. But also, from the bully beauty queen you tell me she is, it just all sounds like insecurity to me. It reeks of family issues being brushed under the carpet and keeping up appearances. I bet she plays the perfect girl part in school to hide how imperfect she really is."

Could it be?

Could it be that simple, that cliché?

Girl with problems at home, trying to overcompensate for them in school. Trying to make everyone feel small around her so that she has a place where she can feel big? If I learned anything about life, it's that sometimes things aren't as complicated as we think them to be. Sometimes it's basic stuff that has happened for centuries to millions of different people and yet you find yourself repeating history.

Charlotte has nothing to go by but things Peter and I have told her about the people in school. We haven't painted Tanya in the best light, because I think there's no light to her. Yet, she met her once, long enough to call her "condescendingly nice" which she is, and still, she seems to find some sympathy for her.

"Maybe." I say, answering her, and opening my book up again.

"I don't like her though, so I'm still on Team Bella." She says and I laugh.

* * *

><p>Peter and Edward find us lounging on the bed staring at the ceiling fan.<p>

"Don't let us crash your party." Peter says walking towards Charlotte and pulling her up for a kiss. Edward smiles at me and I pat the bed, asking him to join me. He gets in, and we squeeze in together, sharing lazy smiles and small kisses that turn into more.

"Ugh, not here." Peter says, throwing us a pillow, sitting on the bed with Charlotte in his lap.

Edward and I stop kissing, but I stay lying almost on top of him.

"Were you guys spending quality time together?" I ask, raising a brow. Peter and Edward are not enemies anymore, but it's not like they're best friends either. Watching them arrive together was a surprise.

"With Cullen? No thanks." Peter says with his usual impartial tone. Edward snorts in response and tells me they just happened to arrive together.

"Did Charlotte tell you about this weekend?" Peter asks me and I nod. They start an argument over whose fault it was in the first place until I decide they're both idiots. I fill in for Edward afterwards. He seems skeptical over Tanya's possible pregnancy.

"It's just," he starts timidly; "she's a freak about all those things." I fidget in my seat, uncomfortable. "I don't think she would be that careless with someone," he muses and kisses the back of my neck, reassuringly.

I think everyone in the room notices this is not the best subject to talk about, so we move to easier topics for a while before Edward and I decide to leave. Peter asks me to give him a minute to tell me something while Edward waits for me in the car and Charlotte takes a shower.

"What's up?"

"I contacted some distant family of Charlotte; an older cousin living in Virginia named Ruth." He starts. I give him my shocked look, but wave him on so that he can continue. "I told her everything. I couldn't—I need a safe place for Char to be and this isn't it. I can't keep her hidden here. It's been too long," he says, with desperation in his low voice. It doesn't matter how impassive he is when it comes to everything else, because when it comes to Charlotte it's like he can't help himself. Everything is a raw feeling written on his face.

"What does this mean?" I whisper, afraid of the answer.

"She'll go to Virginia to start a new life with someone who can really take care of her. Someone who has a steady job and the means to get her to finish school, and teach her to fend for herself. She's leaving next Sunday." He finishes, looking away from me.

"What about you?" I ask, my heart breaking, knowing what this means. He gives me a small smirk before answering.

"Well, it's obvious I need to start looking for colleges in Virginia, isn't it?" I sigh, knowing we still have a whole year before college. I can't believe we still have senior year to go through. It surely feels like we've been in school for centuries.

"Does she know? Is she okay with it?" I ask, thinking of how happy she was today. He shakes his head.

"She's knows." He says, kicking rocks under his feet. "She's not okay with it," he sighs, and then adds, "but she'll do it. For me."

"I guess it's the right thing to do. I mean, I _know _it's the right thing to do. I just—" I stop myself, getting a lump in my throat. Peter silently hugs me for a few seconds and then walks me to Edward's car.

I notice his eyes are misty when I wave goodbye.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry." Edward says, kissing the top of my head and playing with my hair while we lay on our blanket in his backyard.<p>

"I know she needs to go, but, I'll miss her. She's become important for me." I say, thinking of what Charlotte's friendship represents for me. She was the first person I started talking to after I stopped pretending to be someone I'm not.

"I know," he says, and squeezes me against him.

Looking up at the few stars covering the sky, wrapped in Edward's arm, I let myself relax for a bit. Edward keeps playing with my hair, intertwining his fingers in my locks, running his fingers down my arm. I shiver.

"Are you cold?" He asks, swallowing me with his body. I shake my head inside his chest and then search his lips for a kiss. We kiss for a while, but neither of us feels like having sex with his parents a few steps away, so eventually we stop.

He walks me to my house and kisses me goodnight on my porch door.

How things have changed.

* * *

><p>The next day sucks. It goes by in a blur of class assignments that I'm not interested in doing. I'm worried about Charlotte's departure and I'm a distracted mess during all of my classes.<p>

Edward tries to help, but to be honest; he just ends up getting on my nerves. I might be close to having my period and by the time the last bell rings, I'm ready to be transported by aliens to my bed and not get out of it until graduation.

_If only I should be so lucky._

"Ugh, isn't it a shame when liars try to run?" Irina's voice floats through the empty hallways of school.

I keep walking.

"Yes, they get all tangled up in their lie-web. So sad." Tanya answers. Her voice feels too close for comfort, so I start to walk faster. The exit to the parking lot is so close. I just have to keep walking.

"If I had that miserable life, I would probably pretend to have a better one too." Irina says, making a fake sympathetic sound. By now I've reached the parking lot, and I can even see Edward's car waiting for me. _Just keep walking._ I remind myself.

"It's pathetic that no matter how much you pretend, you'll still always be this plain-looking, awkward mess, who has to steal your friend's boyfriend."

Maybe it's the day I've had, or the years I've been swallowing back my anger and jealousy. Maybe it's the annoying tone of Tanya's voice, or the knowledge that while she's here spitting insults, a charming, little girl is leaving this weekend.

I don't know what does it, but I turn around and snap.

"I didn't steal your fucking boyfriend!" I scream, before launching myself at her, knocking her to the ground. I faintly hear Irina's screeching sound and a car door being slammed while I manhandle Tanya's perfect blonde hair in my hands.

My head is throbbing and my body is high on adrenaline. She's kicking me away from her body but it doesn't stop me from scratching the side of her face. Some dark, twisted side of me is happy with the knowledge that it will leave a mark.

Before I can do more damage, strong, warm arms are pulling me up by my waist.

"Bella, it's okay, calm down." Edward whispers in my ear. I know he's asking me to calm down as a reflex of what just happened, but I don't need to. I'm not even fighting him. I'm watching Irina help Tanya up in numb silence.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" She yells when she's on her feet, Irina by her side, glaring at me. "Did you lose your fucking mind?" She continues, walking closer to me. Edward says something in a stern voice that gets her to shut up, but I didn't pay enough attention to know what he said.

"It's funny that you ask if I lost _my _fucking mind when you should've seen this coming." I start in such a collected voice, it scares me. I think it scares Tanya too, because she's listening. She's not moving. I take advantage and step closer to her. Just a step in her direction and she backs up. Edward doesn't let go of me. "You are nothing but a heartless bitch that needs to bully everyone into liking her because the only thing you have going for you is a pretty body and a pretty face." I say without emotion, taking another step in her direction.

Edward lets go of me, but stays close behind.

"I'm sick and tired of your glaring, your trash talking, and your insults." I go on, unable to stop the anger from building inside of me. "I'm sick of _you_." I shout, so close to jumping at her again.

Edward grabs my arm, but doesn't pull me back. "If you hate me so much, if you think I'm so unworthy of your attention, _please_, don't give it to me. I don't exist. I'm invisible. Ignore me, Tanya." I finish and turn around, leaving her without the opportunity to respond.

Edward stays behind, but I don't care what he has to say to her. I said what I wanted, what I needed.

I don't know what good what just happened might do in the long run, but it felt amazing.

* * *

><p>"Oh God," I pant in Edward's neck while he thrusts into me, banging my head against the wall. I grasp at his hair, his shoulders… anywhere I can get my hands into while he pushes me closer to the edge.<p>

For a second I think he's going to lose his balance and his grip on me. He still has his pants on, just low enough to allow him inside me. My panties are hanging from one of my legs. I don't even know how we got here.

One second we're in dead silence inside his car, arriving at my house in the aftermath of the altercation I had with Tanya. And then the next thing I know, he has me pinned to the wall. And here we are; rushing towards a common goal, gripping, biting, and pushing each other to the limit.

Edward hitches my leg higher around his waist and drives into me, making me scream in agonizing ecstasy. He comes a few seconds later.

"Are you okay?" He asks, wiping the hair out of my face. I nod, and kiss the pad of his fingers.

"About everything?" He asks, lowering me to the floor but keeping his arms around me.

I nod again and laugh an incredulous laugh.

"I can't believe that just happened!" I say.

"This?" He asks, gesturing to our rumpled clothes, "or that?" He adds, nodding his head in the general direction of our school.

"Both." I say, laughing again. He kisses my forehead and makes sure I'm steady on my feet before letting me go so he can fix his pants.

"I'm glad it did, both of them." He answers, buckling his belt and looking at me with a bunch of emotions written in his face.

"Me too," I add, adjusting my shirt.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure I can't come to the airport?" I ask, cleaning my face from the tears that have escaped me. She shakes her head furiously and mumbles something about making a scene.<p>

I stay close to Charlotte, standing on the porch of the house that has been her home for the past few weeks.

Peter and I went a little crazy buying Charlotte the stuff we thought she should have, and it shows in all the bags and suitcases that Peter and Edward are carrying to the car and arranging in the trunk.

"Well, that was the last of it." Peter says, announcing they're done with the suitcases. That only means one thing.

"Okay," Charlotte says and I watch her face transform into a look that's a mix of fierceness and determination. "Let's go." She says, nodding.

"Bye Edward." She says, making her way to him and hugging him. Then she comes back to my side and takes me in her arms.

"Please take care," I beg, crying.

"You too," she whispers, before her body starts shaking with her sobs.

We hug for a long time, until Peter clears his throat and I let her go.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me. I don't have words to say how much your help has meant to me." She says earnestly, sniffing. I hug her again.

Eventually we stop and, seconds later, she's waving goodbye from the car. Before I know it, Peter's texting me, telling me she boarded her plane.

"I hate to see you cry," Edward says, sitting behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I can't stop."

"It's okay." He says, running his finger through my hair. "I hate it, but I'm glad you have allowed yourself to do it again."

I nod, understanding what he means.

It's been an intense couple of days. Hell, it's been an intense couple of years. I know I have a lot of things that I have painfully kept inside of me, and one soft breeze is all it takes for me to tumble into a crying abyss.

But, I'm okay with it.

I'm learning to embrace every human emotion that comes my way.

I think Edward can tell I'm crying for more than Charlotte's departure. He just holds me and rocks me until I fall asleep.

That night, I dream of an unknown future.

A broken past.

And a lot of goodbyes.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you very much for reading.<strong>

**We're on the finish line here. (Only 2-3 chapters to go, including an epilogue)**

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******_Till next time;xx_******


	25. Speaking Up

**SM owns.**

**Everything grammatically correct is thanks to Sunflower Fanfiction and Mari. (I love you both.) ****All the mistakes are mine.**

**This is the final chapter. I'll be posting an epilogue soon-ish.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 25: Speaking Up<strong>

_"Your words will either give you joy or give you sorrow. _

_But if they were spoken without regret they give you peace." _

_Shannon L. Alder. ~_

* * *

><p>After Charlotte's departure, I try to create a new routine. Many of my afternoons were spent with her, talking, reading, and working on my homework.<p>

Now that she's gone, I don't want to spend my time in solitude feeling sorry for myself. Edward's always here for me, but as much as he's kind of my everything, I don't want to make him responsible for 100% of my happiness.

Plus, he's been spending a lot of his free time with his father, allowing himself to enjoy the things he took for granted in the past. His anger at his dad's expectations made him bitter towards all the conferences and hospitals tours he had been to in the past. He wants to relive it now, and I'm so glad that he's gotten the second chance.

Still, he knows I'm in a bit of a funk because of Charlotte, so he promised to do something to cheer me up.

"It doesn't involve sex, so get your mind out of the gutter," he joked earlier while he dropped me off at home.

I'm both intrigued and excited, although the fact that he's doing something at all is enough to make me smile.

I'm so lucky.

"Bella, Edward's here!" my father yells from downstairs. I take a last look at my outfit before walking out of my room. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"Hey," I say to Edward as soon as I see him. He kisses the back of my hand, then my forehead, keeping it PG13 in front of Charlie.

"We'll just be having dinner with my family," Edward says to Charlie, who's looking wary from the corner of the living room.

He nods, and orders Edward to bring me home safe, sound, and early. I smile at his efforts and kiss his cheek before we leave.

"You shouldn't have lied to Charlie. He trusts you," I say to Edward once we're outside.

"I didn't," he says, winking at me. I frown, looking at his nicer jeans and dress shirt.

He chuckles at my expression, and then leads me to my backyard. We walk to his place hand in hand, through our secret passage.

"You should've told me we were coming to the backyard, Edward. I wouldn't have dressed up," I tell him, but he ignores me.

We enter his house through a side door that is almost never used. When we go in, I realize why. It leads straight to a studio-like room.

The room is big and empty. There's only a black, grand piano in the center of it.

"Oh my God," I breathe, looking at the stark contrast of the white room and the black piano. Edward's also wearing black.

"It's usually filled with a bunch of crap, but I cleaned it up," he says. His hand leaves mine to rub the back of his neck. "I didn't want the other stuff to be distracting."

I nod at him, understanding right away.

It's about the music.

It's about baring it all.

He hasn't touched the piano keys, but he has already overwhelmed me.

We walk slowly to the bench and sit. He doesn't say anything before he starts playing.

And he doesn't really have to. The first few notes are soft and sweet, and then the song evolves into a myriad of different emotions. Intense feelings intertwining, chasing each other; wanting to catch up.

It's bewildering and beautiful, just like him.

This song is a self portrait.

Edward finishes playing and we both stay quiet for a little while. The last note still hangs in the room, sharp and sweet at the same time.

"I'm so glad you finally played something for me," I whisper, breaking the silence. His breathing is shaky for a second, before he chuckles. I know he's nervous.

I grab the back of his head and pull him in for a fierce kiss. I pour as much passion into it as he did to his song, trying to convey how moved I am by this. I whisper I love him in between nips and playful bites, wanting him to be sure of it.

"I've written songs about you," he says, kissing down my jaw.

"I loved this one," I say.

He continues to kiss a path down my body, igniting my skin aflame. I want to make a smart-ass comment about sex not being involved, but I'm unable to speak.

"Edward, your mother—" Dr. Cullen's voice makes us jump apart.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company," his father says, looking away. I fix my blouse while Edward messes around with his shirt.

"What was that about Mom?" Edward asks, standing up.

"She needs your help with something," Dr. Cullen says, looking at me in a way I can't quite figure out.

Edward nods and gives me an apologetic look before walking out of the room.

I'm left alone with his father. The tension that fills the room once Edward is gone is undeniable and unpredictable.

I'm glad Edward has fixed his relationship with his father. I'm okay with him wanting to be a doctor. But I just have this feeling that Dr. Cullen has never approved of my relationship status with Edward. For some reason, I can't forget the way his dad confronted me when he decided to quit the football team.

And now, he has caught me in a compromising situation with his son. Needless to say, I'd rather be somewhere else right now.

"It's been a while since I heard him play," Dr. Cullen's voice brings me out of my thoughts. My head snaps to look at him, noticing he's farther inside the studio.

I make a humming sound, not wanting to admit that, technically, I had never listened to Edward play.

"He's really good," he says, smoothing his hand down the piano.

"He's perfect," I say with a little snark in my voice. Apparently I've forgotten about being embarrassed and moved on to being annoyed.

Dr. Cullen chuckles and nods his head.

"We might be biased, right?" he says, smiling.

I soften at the pride I see in his eyes and return his smile with a small one. It must come out weird looking because his posture changes from relaxed to serious.

"Listen, Isabella—"

"Bella," I correct, not liking where this is going.

"Bella," he concedes. "I know you and I may have been in disagreement before, but we both want the same things, do we not?" He inquires, cocking his head to the side, "Edward's well-being, and his happiness?" he adds when I don't answer him.

"Of course," I say, looking down.

"Let's focus on that," he says.

It's not a definite truce but it's a start. I can live with that.

Edward finds us in silence, but it's not tense. I can see the relief on his face when he meets my eyes.

"Mom's making unhealthy food just for you," he says, smiling, as his father laughs.

"I don't think that's just for Bella's benefit," he jokes, giving Edward a look. Edward shrugs and holds out his hand.

I smile back and stand up. We walk together towards the dinner table where we have a pleasant evening.

* * *

><p>"Boy, do I have news for you," Peter says, sitting down next to me on the floor.<p>

I arch an eyebrow at him.

"Gossip, you? Since when?"

He tries to play cool, waving me off, but then he talks.

"Char left and I really feel like I'm losing it, so I'm trying to distract myself."

I squeeze his fingers in support.

"So, what's the thing?" I ask, wanting to help him with his distraction.

"Turns out, the pregnancy test from a few weeks ago wasn't for Tanya… it was for Irina."

"What?"

"Do you remember back at the start of the school year, rumor had it Kate and Irina did a photo shoot in LA?" he asks, playing with a piece of fabric wrapped around his wrist.

I nod.

"Irina went back there for winter break, and slept with the photographer that hired them," he says and I drop my mouth in shock.

"So, is it his?" I ask, way more curious about this than I should be.

"She wasn't even pregnant, Swan. It was a false alarm. But, yeah, she claimed it was his, though we all know she probably had no idea whose it was," he says, chuckling. I nod and realize I'm glad she isn't pregnant.

I don't wish her to go through that right now, nor do I wish the kid to be brought into the world this way.

"How do you even find out about this stuff?" I ask Peter, nudging him.

"I told you, I watch people a lot."

"Right, you claimed that's how you found out about me and Edward."

"You two were so fucking obvious I'm surprised no one caught up. Not even you two," he says, shaking his head. "Idiots," he adds in a lower voice.

I nudge him again.

Edward finds us in the same place, minutes later, complaining about the injustice of his almost-detention from his History teacher.

"Damn old man," he says with a frown on his face.

He's adorable, and I tell him so while I rub soothing circles on his back.

"I'm going to leave you two before I puke," Peter says as a way of goodbye.

Edward and I wave, and then walk away from him towards the car.

"I want to leave," Edward says, while we're driving around.

"Where?" I ask.

"Really far away from this place, like, the other side of the country," he answers.

I tense up, not wanting to discuss this subject. I also don't want Edward to feel like I'm not supportive of him, so I make a humming sound.

"We should go to New York, or California," he says right before he parks in front of my house.

"Yeah," I answer and kiss his cheek before stepping out of the car.

It's obvious we need to talk.

* * *

><p>In a silly attempt to get my mind off things, I clean the entire house and do all of my homework. I have a tendency to become super girl when I want my mind to shut up. It rarely works.<p>

Besides, I've been trying so hard to avoid thinking about my impeding talk with Edward, that there's not much to do at all.

I Skype with Charlotte for a few minutes, but she's too busy to talk.

She looks good and she sounds okay, so I'm left feeling a bit better at her expense.

Before I let that good feeling go away, I busy myself with making dinner.

"Hey Bells, I brought pie," Charlie says when he enters the kitchen. I smile at him and tell him to put it in the fridge while we eat.

"How was work?" I ask once we're both sitting.

"Busy. We found a missing girl that was hiding. She came all the way from Seattle to stay here," he says, pushing the food around on his plate.

"Oh my God."

"Yeah. Turns out her father beat her up and she ran away. Child services took her," he says. I stop eating altogether.

"Dad, I'm sorry," I start. He looks up at me and shakes his head.

"It comes with the job. Not your fault, kid."

It's my turn to shake my head before speaking.

"I meant about me. About making this harder on you than it needed to be," I say. I don't know if I've ever thanked him for caring. I've been so busy blaming him for not knowing how to show it. It makes me feel sick with guilt, knowing how many people have had it worse.

"No, honey, you've been better than you've had a right to. I'm so happy I got you," he says and grabs my hand. I squeeze tight for a few seconds before letting go.

He goes back to eating.

"Look at us, getting all sentimental," I joke with a lump in my throat.

He chuckles and nods.

"Your mom would've approved."

* * *

><p>Friday night finds me curled up in Edward's lap, basking in our post-coital glow. We've been silent for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's company, until we stand up to get dressed again.<p>

I really don't want my father to find us naked in my room. After we're clothed again, I get back to Edward's lap and rest my head on his chest.

"Remember when you tried to learn how to skate?" Edward asks, tracing the skin of my small back with his fingers. I laugh.

"That lasted like a day."

"You fell and scrapped your left arm," he says, and grabs my roaming fingers; kisses them.

"Mmm."

"I threw the skates in the garbage after that," he confesses.

"What? But it was so cool," I say, sitting up. The memories of the black and white skates and an excited Edward come to mind.

"Yeah, well… I didn't want you trying again," he says, shrugging. I stay silent for a moment thinking how it's something he would do. It's part of his obsession with keeping me safe.

"Edward, we can't go to New York," I say, hiding my face from him. It comes out of nowhere. No warning, no slow build up.

"Okay. We'll go to California then. My dad knows someone at Stanford University. I think I can try to get in. You could apply for a scholarship, right? Your grades—"

"No, no Edward," I interrupt. "You can go to NYC or California or wherever you want. I can't."

His fingers grab my jaw, forcing me to look at his confused face before he asks.

"What are you talking about?"

I take a deep breath, ready to launch myself to a never ending tale of reasons. He speaks before I open my mouth.

"You can't or you won't? I thought you wanted to leave with me."

His eyes are soft and young and I suddenly feel ten times older than he is. His fingers are wrapped around my jaw, burning me. He's being extra gentle, careful not to tighten his grip. But it's his voice, low and unsure, so unlike the confident boy I love, that makes my heart ache.

"I do. And I wish we could. But we want different things. You want to run far away from Forks and I want to stay close." I play with the buttons of his shirt, wanting to make myself small and pliant against his body.

"Since when? Why in the world would you want to stay close to this place?" He asks with obvious disdain. There's the hint of betrayal in his voice. He can't believe he didn't know.

"I can't leave Charlie, Edward," I say, then take a deep breath and phrase it better. "I don't want to."

He lets go of my face and moves me out of his lap. His touch is soft and measured, but the action hurts.

He rests his elbows on his knees, breathing deep for a few seconds.

"What does this mean?" he asks. His posture is so rigid and tense, and his voice sounds helpless, as if I took the breath out of him.

I scramble on the bed, reaching towards him; desperate.

"It doesn't have to mean anything," I say, rushing my words. "Not right now. We still have this summer, and the entire senior year ahead. We have time." I touch him and try to sound reassuring.

It doesn't work.

He stands up so fast, I almost fall.

"What kind of bullshit answer is that?"

"Edward," I whisper.

"You've been listening to me talk about this for months now, and you just let me get my hopes up for nothing?"

He's livid.

"After we promised to talk about things," he mutters, shaking his head, tugging his hair, pacing the room.

I stand up.

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't know how serious you were at first. I mean, we're young and—"

"And what, Bella?" He cuts me off and stops pacing. "Finish that sentence."

I don't dare. Not because he's mad, but because he's not anymore. His body sags and the tension leaves him.

He's no longer angry and it's worse.

He leaves before any of us has the chance to say another word.

* * *

><p>It's been so long since Edward and I have argued that I don't know how to deal with it. It's not even the fact that we had a fight. God knows we've fought before. But fighting as friends and fighting as a couple are two very different things.<p>

This doesn't even compare to what went on after he had that lunch with his father. We didn't fight then. We didn't talk at all.

Last night was different because we did talk. I was honest, and my truth hurt him. And his hurt, hurt me.

So when I say I don't know how to deal with it, I really don't. I haven't been in this position before.

In true angsty, teenager fashion, I spend my Saturday holed up in my bedroom, with my phone in my hand. The hours of the day go divided between making a case of why I should call him, and making a point of why I shouldn't.

I fall asleep before settling my mind on something.

* * *

><p>"Where's Edward today?" Charlie asks on Sunday afternoon when I finally got myself out of bed.<p>

"I don't know," I say, and feel sorry for myself and the truth of my words. He arches an eyebrow.

"You guys had a fight?

"It wasn't a fight." I sit next to him on the couch, sighing.

"We kind of had the college talk," I start, desperate to talk to anyone who'll listen. "And yes, I know we're getting ahead of ourselves, but we had to talk about it."

Dad shakes his head. "Senior year's right around the corner and it's going to be hectic. It's best you guys figure those things out now."

"I guess."

We watch television in silence, an old fashion comedy, until the credits roll. He turns the TV off and faces me.

"Bells, I know we're not drowning in money, but your mother and I did have some money saved for this," he says.

I mirror his position on the couch.

"What?"

"It's not a lot, nevertheless, it's there. And it's yours to get you started with that whole college thing. I'll try to help if I need to. Call in some favors …" he trails off, gesturing with his hands. Whatever I need, he'll try to help.

I'm speechless and warm all over.

"Oh my Go-, Dad, thank you!" I say, and hug him.

"You could go anywhere," he says, patting my back before retreating.

"Well, just to Seattle," I say.

His face scrunches up in confusion.

"I thought you'd go farther…"

"I want to stay close to home," I say and will him to change 'home' to 'you'.

He mulls over my words for a few seconds, before he talks again.

"You don't have to."

"I want to," I say and grab his hand.

The small twitch in his lips makes it worth it.

* * *

><p>On Monday, I wake up and go through the motions of my morning routine at the speed of a turtle. I don't feel like going to school, so after my shower, I eat breakfast wrapped in a towel while watching the news.<p>

That's how Edward finds me.

"Why aren't you ready?" he asks, walking into the living room. He got in through the kitchen door. Seeing him makes me want to cry again. I haven't talk to my boyfriend in two days.

"I didn't know you were picking me up," I say, getting up.

"I wasn't going to let you walk to school," he says under his breath. I ask him to give me a few minutes to go back upstairs and get ready.

I get dressed in record time.

Inside the car the air is heavy with our silence. I want to say something, but I'm afraid I'll make it worse. When we arrive at school, he turns off the engine of the car, and stares out the window for a minute or two.

"I understand, you know?" he says eventually. "About Charlie… I get it."

My shoulders sag with relief. I remove my seatbelt and inch closer to him, searching his eyes.

"It's okay if you're angry," I say, and take his hand in my hand. The connection is enough to put me at ease. His touch usually has that effect, no matter the circumstances.

"It hurt," he says and my heart twitches with pain. "You made it sound like we don't matter; like I don't matter."

Assuming things and knowing things for certain are two different things. Edward's confession about how he felt that night is a punch in my gut. I kneel on the seat and take his face in my hands.

"Edward, I love you. Of course you matter. You're everything," I say before kissing him. We kiss for a long time, and in the back of my mind I'm aware we're going to be late for class.

I don't care.

My whole attention is devoted to making this beautiful boy understand how I feel. After all of our communication problems, kissing has always sent the right message. My lips mold against his as we give and take all we have.

My fingers in his hair, his hand on each side of my face, the low sounds that escape us are my salvation right now.

"We'll figure something out," he says, kissing my neck.

I can feel the promise in his touch. I believe with all my heart that we will.

"We will," I say, echoing his sentiment.

We miss first period in a haze of lazy kisses and conversation. When it's time for second period, Edward gets out of the car and opens my door. I stare up at him for a moment, studying his face. He smiles at me and gives me his hand to take. Without hesitation, I let him help me get out the car.

We walk hand in hand, across the parking lot, towards the building, avoiding holes and puddles of water. We bump into a few careless people along the way, hitting the back of some cars with the side of our bodies.

At some points our hand-holding gets in the way, so we let go, but we always search for each other back, gripping tighter and tighter each time… until at last, hand in hand we make it.

* * *

><p><strong>I think I'll save the thank you speech for the epilogue, but in case you need an early reminder, thank you so much to everyone, for everything.<strong>

**The epilogue is half written, but I don't want to rush it and end up disappointing you guys. So... if I can't update next week (as is my plan) be patient (even more) with me.**

**My next story, _Stripped Desire_, is also in the works, and I donated the Prologue and First Chapter to Fandom4LLS. **

**In case you want to read that before it starts posting... you can go here and donate:**

** fandom4lls . blogspot ?zx=6f5a68b03b1cb653 **

**It's an amazing cause and there are lots of amazing authors donating amazing work. **

********_Till next time;xx_********


	26. Epilogue

**SM owns.**

**Sorry for the long wait. **

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue:<strong>

_Love is not the destiny but a journey of lifetime. _

_It is not how much love we have in the beginning, but how much love we build until the end. _

_Nishan Panwar. ~_

* * *

><p>I type as fast as possible, trying to get all my thoughts into this Word document before they escape me. The playlist of the band I'm writing the article on plays in the background. A glance to the left lets me know it's almost two in the morning. I sigh. It figures this is the time for inspiration to strike me.<p>

Having an opinion column in a magazine feels a lot like being a literature author, and my respect for the written word has grown even more. I find myself smiling, because as crazy as it is, and as hectic as it all goes down, I love it and wouldn't change a thing. Not even the whole dynamic at Scratch Magazine of deciding the title of the article first.

After writing the last sentence, I double save the file and browse the internet for a couple of minutes.

Before calling it a night, I read a few interesting articles from my favorite bloggers, and shut down the computer.

I walk slowly towards the bedroom, stretching in the process, knowing that my brain is finally turning off for the night. I collapse face first into the bed.

Just when I'm drifting off, I feel a warm body on top of me.

"Fuck," we both curse. I sit up and turn on the lamp.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up," he says. I give him the stink eye.

"Wake me? You sat on me," I tell him.

"That's because you're sleeping on my side of the bed," he reminds me with a knowing smirk.

"Well, that's because I miss you," I say reaching up to kiss him.

"I miss you, too," he says and kisses me back.

He lays me down in the center of the bed, caressing every available inch of skin. I lose myself in his touch and then he suddenly stops.

"Edward?"

"I'm sorry. I need to shower, and I need to sleep. I also need to go back to the hospital in six hours," he says before rolling off me.

"Go take the shower and get rid of all the germs," I tell him.

"You already touched me. You're all germed up."

"Guess I also need a shower then," I say and we're inside the bathroom and naked in record time.

* * *

><p>Long distance relationships are hard.<p>

Long distance relationships while trying to be your own person during your college years are even harder.

Seattle is not the biggest city in the United States, but it was bigger than Forks, and I was star struck. I wanted to go out every night to see everything, to experience everything. My thirst for knowledge and adventure didn't combine well with Edward's focus on his studies or his plans.

His privileged life and opportunities to experience anything and everything made him more centered on his goal. On the other hand, I was struggling—deciding if an English major was actually what I wanted, while being caught up in the bright lights of the city.

Each time I told him about my days, I could feel the judgment in his voice. I could tell how much it bothered him that our college experiences were becoming so different.

After ten months of strained, phone calls, passive-aggressive arguments and tension-filled trips, we broke up.

"We can't do this anymore," he said sighing, and I agreed.

It was the best thing that ever happened to us.

After five months of not talking to each other, I called him to share my excitement about a band we both wanted to see perform live.

It was just a light conversation, and any awkwardness was overshadowed by my screeching voice, and his low, tired laugh. Breaking up with him gave me my best friend back. And just like the magnets we've always been, we found ourselves being a couple again a year after our breakup.

Only this time, we both knew better.

Our time apart helped me make some of the tough decisions I needed to make regarding my career. I even managed to finish earlier than planned. The pent up excitement from the newfound freedom was out of my system.

Edward was still in California, and had a long time to go. It took me less than a week to decide to pack up my bags and go to him as soon as I graduated.

And when I did it, I did it because I wanted to.

I did it because I loved him.

* * *

><p>"Is there space open on your very busy agenda for a date with your boyfriend?" Edward asks, sitting down next to me on the couch. He kisses my neck, making me giggle and lose balance of my laptop.<p>

"I don't know," I say, closing the computer and turning my head to him. "Is there open space on the very busy agenda of Dr. Cullen?" I kiss his smiling lips and climb into his lap.

"He might move some things around for you," he says, stopping my kisses to embrace me.

Out of the six years I've been living in California, the first two were the hardest. Edward was starting med school when I got here. He was a slave to his homework, and if it was possible, he seemed to have gotten even paler, given all the time he spent in the labs.

I got bitter, despite my previous knowledge of how things were going to be. We fought a lot, and I questioned my coming here, fearing that our relationship wouldn't survive our second attempt.

Wrapped in his strong arms, I sigh, content that it did. And that it continues to do so.

Edward's still in that phase where he's busy all the time. Residency is kicking his ass with the crazy long shifts, but we're making it work.

He doesn't say so, but I'm sure the fact that his father is well-known in the field comes with its advantages. Even if he doesn't ask for special treatment, sometimes he gets it.

We've also moved closer to the hospital to shorten the time it takes him to get from point A to point B. And the flexibility of my schedule makes it easier for us to spend his free time together. I like to think that we've developed a good system around his crazy schedule.

Today is one of his days off, and I can't wait to see what he's planned. Even tired and dying to sleep, he manages to surprise me with fun nights out.

Well, when I'm not the one doing the surprising.

That vow he made forever ago—about being the kind of couple that has it all—has been accomplished. My job allows us to enjoy some fun events based around concerts, books launching parties, art galleries openings, etc. Yet, some of our best lazy nights have been spent talking, and just enjoying each other's company.

There's also the fact that we've been through a lot. From our innocent childhood days, to our rocky, high school experience, to our rough, long distance relationship… It's taught us not to take each other for granted.

I think we have a good balance.

Some days, I do wonder if we're ever going to move past the hectic lifestyle phase. I'm scared that we've become too comfortable with the way we're living and that we won't evolve.

Edward's kisses on my neck bring me out of my not-so-happy thoughts. If anything, my reaction to his touch never wavers in intensity.

"Don't go wasting your job permits on me," I say, playing with his fingers on my lap. "If we don't fly to Virginia for Peter and Charlotte's wedding we might not live to go out on another date." The thought brings a smile to my face. Peter and Charlotte's relationship has always seemed much more mature than Edward's and mine. After high school, Peter moved to Virginia, and they've been together ever since.

No struggle.

No questioning.

I'm as happy for them as I'm a little envious.

Edward chuckles and tightens his hold on me. His breath is warm on the back of my neck. It makes me shiver. Once again, I'm brought out of my over-thinking tendencies, comforted by his presence.

"Charlotte's wedding? If we don't go to back to Forks soon, your father is going to castrate me. And my mother… well, she might end up killing me," he says. I chuckle, because he might be right.

It's been a while since we went home. We've both tried to get Esme and Charlie to come down to visit us, but they never do. We see Carlisle often, since he takes every opportunity he has to come to a conference in the area.

He usually stays with us.

The first time I saw him and Edward discussing medicine it almost made me cry. The passion that radiated out of the both of them was blinding. I can't believe Edward ever doubted his calling.

"Your mom called yesterday, but you hadn't arrived yet," I say, remembering. Edward nods and kisses my lips once before speaking.

"I talked to her this morning."

I nod back.

Charlie and Esme may never come to visit us, but we talk on an almost daily basis. Even when I was experiencing my college liberation experience, I kept in touch with my dad and visited him as much as I could manage. I never lost focus of the fact that I had gone to Seattle in order to stay close to him.

Our relationship isn't strained anymore. And his tough-love was one of the reasons why I eventually got it together during my sophomore year.

"We do need to get to Forks soon, though," I say, thinking it's been almost a year since I last saw my dad. We're good, but sometimes the guilt of living so far away from him is too much. No matter how many times he has reassured me he's okay with it.

"Maybe you can convince him to start dating again," Edward says. I shake my head. I tried that before going to college and then again before moving to Cali. He went out on a couple of dates both times then declared himself a failure. He won't tell me, but I know he just doesn't see himself falling in love once more.

I stopped pressuring him about it. I understand how epic loves work.

"I just miss him," I say and Edward nods. He looks me in the eyes, understanding. Then his gaze clouds with an emotion I can't put my finger on. I'm about to ask him about it, but he blinks and it's gone. In its place is a pleasant smile.

"We'll see if we can manage to get away for a weekend," he says. "Now go get dressed." He kisses the back of my head before standing up.

I do as he says.

I might be letting my head get the best of me.

* * *

><p>"I saw Tanya today," Alice says on the phone while I hunt for my favorite pair of jeans. "I was walking to the airport when I saw her getting out of a town car. She looked as plastic as ever. A bit fat, but definitely like a typical trophy wife," she says.<p>

I locate my jeans and struggle with putting them on while holding my cell phone with one hand.

"Which airport?" I ask, because I always lose track of her traveling schedules even when she sends it to me all the time.

"Charles de Gaulle Airport, Paris. Come on, Bella I emailed you last week," she says, her voice resigned. "Anyway, you know she's married to that Republican Congressman, right? I forget his name. He wasn't with her."

"Did you talk to her?" I ask, because, well, I'm a bit curious. The last time I saw Tanya was in Seattle. She had been visiting some friends near campus. We didn't acknowledge each other, except for the smirk she gave me when she learned I was single.

Of course I would run into her while struggling with my break-up with Edward. After that, I learned about her engagement and her marriage to a congressman through the grapevine.

"No. It was so weird. I just stared at her because she looked as if she's living the life she wanted. They all are. I just… I just think it isn't fair, considering…" she trails off for my benefit.

"Life isn't fair," I say in a calm voice. I'm not bitter about the Blondie-Bunch's apparent success. I grew out of that.

"No, it's not. But we're all happy, so I guess I can live in a world where Irina and Kate are models, and Tanya is a rich wife as long as you're a successful columnist and Edward's a successful doctor."

"And you're a successful stylist," I remind her, and she squeals in delight.

We say goodbye with promises to reunite soon. Edward walks in just as I finish brushing my hair.

He has his own cell phone in his hand.

"Alice says hi," I say.

"So does Emmett," he says, lifting his phone to my eye level. "Little Ruth has a cold, so of course he's freaking out and thinks I should invent some kind of instant cure for it," he adds.

"Is she going to be okay?" I ask, instantly worried about her.

Edward gives me a small smile and nods.

"Carmen is a terrific mother. Emmett's just a bit too much sometimes," he answers, looking uncomfortable.

I know he's thinking about Rosalie. Emmett's bigger-than-life-personality didn't click well with her in the long run. They tried and failed to be together several times. I know Edward feels guilty about being close friends with his brother's ex-fiancé.

I don't blame him. Rosalie has been a special person in his life.

Emmett has learned to deal with it.

"Are we ready to go?" he asks, back to his normal self.

For the first time tonight, I look at what he's wearing: dark jeans, black shoes and white button down shirt. He looks as handsome as ever.

I'm distracted yet again, by how attractive he is. High school might have ended, but some feelings never do.

I nod and take his hand.

* * *

><p>"Where are we going?" I ask, when Edward leads me to an unknown route of our neighborhood a few hours later. He kisses my hand and shakes his head in response. I frown. He's been acting strange all day. His face has been a myriad of indescribable emotions hidden with smiles.<p>

But then again, my mind has been against me for a few days. I don't know what it is, but I have a little voice in the back of my head questioning where Edward and I are going in our lives.

I'm trying not to let it grow because I know I can get lost inside my head. Edward also manages to pull me away from the edge with his love. Still, a part of me feels as if we've been stuck in the same place for a long time.

Edward glances at me out of the corner of his eye every few blocks. He's apprehensive, and I'm scared he might be able to see my thoughts written on my face.

Eventually, we get to what appears to be our destination. Edward lets go of my hand and stays a couple of steps behind me. I feel his body like a fort, protecting me.

It takes me a moment to take it all in, but when I do my eyes water.

"Edward," I say in awe and relief.

He's done it again.

He's pulled me away from the edge.

I'm standing in front of what looks like a replica of the big, green backyard I miss so much. In the center of it is our black and white blanket. Twinkling lights and candles illuminate the scene where I can detect piles of old books, different music players and earphones, as well as a picnic basket.

I sprint to the blanket, fingering the books I know and love. The titles I read bring back so many memories that I can't help but smile. I lower myself to the ground feeling a thousand times younger, transported to a different time and place.

"How in the world did you do this?" I ask Edward, meeting his bright eyes. He shrugs and smiles, before sitting down next to me. He rummages around between the pages of a book until he finds a scrap of paper. He gives it to me. I hold it carefully in my hands and study it. It's old and wrinkled. I can't read what it says.

I search Edward's eyes again, wanting him to explain to me what it is.

"On that piece of paper, we agreed on our first, backyard meeting a long time ago," he says, staring at me. "It was during our last class of the day. You were almost caught handing it back to me, so I hid it inside my sweater. I forgot about it until I got home, and it fell out. I saved it in a shoebox. It was the first one of many."

He holds my hands in between his before taking a deep breath. My heart hammers in my chest because not only am I hearing this for the first time, but also because I think I know where this is going.

Oh God.

"Oh God," I breathe and he chuckles, squeezing my hands once more before he talks again.

"I didn't know it then, but I fell in love with you in that backyard, talking about books and music. I listened to you talk, and you drew me in. You coaxed my love for these things without me realizing it. I wanted to take you back there, but you know free time is not out forte right now." He shakes his head, and I chuckle, as happy, silent tears run down my face.

"I remember… the first time you shared your lunch with me: strawberry Pop Tart. I still have the ugly shirt you gave me for my eleventh birthday, and the hat you knitted for me one Christmas. Every book, every CD, shirt, music sheets… I have them all. Some are back in Forks, and others are in our living room and in our closet. Some are hidden in the basement in a box because I tried to get rid of them when we broke up."

He grimaces at the end of that sentence, and I tighten my hold on his hand.

"I have our history all around me because it reminds me how lucky I am to have you in my life. And it helps me remember how much more we still have to go, how much more time we still can have together.

I know you.

I know your Starbucks order, and your laptop password.

I know your favorite position to sleep hasn't changed in all the time we've known each other.

I know you hate the noise I make when I eat cereal, but that you let it go.

I know how you got those scars on your elbow and the one on your right knee.

I know the way you sigh my name when I'm inside you and the sounds you make when you come. And the thing is, I know all of that and you still manage to surprise me. And I know you a bit more every day, and every bit of you I know, I learn to love.

So, please marry me, Bella, because I'm not done knowing you, and I don't ever want to be."

I laugh, cry, and nod all at once.

He wraps his arms around me and chuckles.

"You'll marry me?" he asks, and kisses my forehead.

"Yes, I'll marry you. I love you," I say, searching his lips.

He kisses me for a second and then fishes a ring out from his pocket. He slides the ring down my shaky finger with a huge smile on his face. I'm grinning and crying, convinced that I must be dreaming.

The significance of the moment overwhelms me.

After all these years—after all the things we've been through. After being the cliché girl in love with her best friend.

I want to go back in time to my teenage self and shake her, tell her that it's going to work out. That I didn't need to spend so many nights losing sleep, or waste so much time trying to fit in.

But then, I look at Edward's green eyes, and I don't want to change anything, because it has all led to this.

"I write for a living, but I have no words to express my feelings. I want to say so many things, just like you did, yet I'm coming up short. Nothing I say will be adequate enough," I tell him, sniffing for good measure.

He laughs and gently wipes the tears off my face.

"You said yes. That's good enough."

* * *

><p>We announce it to our friends and family in parts: first Carlisle, Esme, and Charlie—who already knew because Edward actually asked for his blessing. Then we call a Skype conference with Alice, Emmett, Peter and Charlotte.<p>

Announcing the news to Alice with other people was a mistake. No one was able to get a word in once she started talking.

Peter and Emmett both texted me their warm wishes after we disconnected the call.

Afterward, we told our co-workers and the friends we've made in California. Everyone had nothing but kind words to say.

Once everyone knows, the pressure to decide things begins to take its toll on me. I have to plan a wedding. I have to set a date, pick a location, pick out a dress, a theme for decorations … the list goes on and on, without end.

Edward—who I'm convinced is looking to be canonized—takes it all in stride and reminds me that I'm not alone.

_We _have to set a date.

_We _have to pick a location.

He understands that there are things that I'll be doing alone, but he promised to be there and not let me turn the experience into a stress inducer.

He said I'm not the kind of person who would turn into bridezilla, and that he took pride in that.

Sometimes, he feels unreal, as if he's part of another world.

I got way too lucky with him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" he asks.

I smile, watching him while he towel-dries his hair. He's wearing nothing but his pajama pants, and I've been staring at him since he got out of the bathroom.

"I love you," I say, gesturing to the pile of papers around me.

He grins and joins me in the bed. He kisses my neck several times before I reach for him to kiss his lips.

Before I know it, papers are falling, and mixing with our clothes on the floor.

Everything about our lovemaking feels unrushed but passionate.

"I love you, too," he says while inside me, hiding his face between my neck and shoulder.

I sigh, unable to respond. I'm overwhelmed with love and gratitude, because no matter how many times he has said it, it never stops feeling real.

After we're done taking and giving pleasure with our bodies, we lie naked on the bed holding each other.

We spend some time talking about our future and reminiscing about our past.

Friends turned lovers back and forth until we evolved seamlessly into what we are now.

I fall asleep with a smile on my face, sated and content.

In less than six months, I'll be marrying the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, my best friend.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

* * *

><p><strong>Long note ahead...<strong>

**I'm so sorry for the amount of time it took me to post this. No excuses, just wanted to apologize.**

**First of all, thank you so much to everyone reading this. Thank you for allowing me to play with my words. It's a blessing to have people who have been with me on this ride. Thank you for your support. I hope you enjoyed this. **

**Shout out to: Yuliana, Bruja, Teppy, and Heidy. :)**

**Thank you to Believeitornott for your feedback with the epi. I struggled a lot with this and you helped me get some confidence back. I won't forget your help and kind words. (If you haven't read her stories, go now!)**

**To Sunflower Fanfiction, you jumped ahead to help me with this little story and have become a permanent beta to all of my work. I'm so happy you did. Thank you so much for putting up with me. I have nothing but respect and affection for you. (I still hate semi colons, though)**

**Last but not least, to Damarys. You've been more than my LovelyEditor. You've been an incredible friend and I thank God every day for placing you in the same class as me our first day in college. Thank you for believing in me, for helping with the quotes, the names, the tiny things that shouldn't matter, my paranoia, my usual use of the word "hate", for everything you do and have done for me or for my stories, thank you. I love you.**

**Thank you all so much.**

**PS: My next story _Stripped Desire_ is on the works. I plan to upload at some point the next month or so. Be on the look out for that.**


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